School meeting with abusive ex - urgent advice needed

[Toloveandtowork]

My son, age 11 is having behaviour problems at school.
School called me to request a meeting, but I missed the call.
School then called son's father and arrangements made for the meeting today - both of us attending.

However, I'm wondering if it would be in my best interests to cancel as all I can imagine is my ex pontificating about my flaws as a mother and pinning blame on me in front of the teachers.

I literally ran away from him with the children eight years ago.

He doesn't see the children much, but has plenty of harsh opinions on how it's all my fault.

Any advice please?

It's a great school, but maybe I should let ex go by himself today, and I'll make a separate appointment.

Will the school understand?

I'm trying to keep things as amicable as possible with ex, but am exhausted with single motherhood and think it wouldn't be good for me to listen to the digs he will definitely try to get in.

in your shoes I’d get a call in to the pastoral lead (not sure if it’s secondary or primary school sorry) and explain your situation and concerns and see what they advise.

Omg op go. Please go. Ime it will give school a great insight into your ds's troubles...
Never let him speak without you there... Or ime you will be painted the bad guy.

You absolutely can explain you won't be meeting with your ex and want a separate appointment. There should be no problem with this.

Definitely call the school. Briefly explain the situation, as you have here, and ask to meet another time. Schools are very used to this. Maybe you have never spoken to them before and they are unaware of the background. They will happily accommodate. (I work in a school.)

Have you made school aware of your relationship with your ex before now? Of course they will understand if you want to meet separately.

School safeguarding lead here. Yes they will understand. Call asap and ask to speak to one of the safeguarding leads.

You can definitely arrange a separate appointment - the school won't judge you and they won't let your ex poison them against you either.

How bizarre of the school to call his father in for a behaviour meeting when he doesn't live with or have much contact with him. What's the use of that? I'm trying to imagine DS's school doing that with my ex who sees DS one evening a week :/ totally pointless.
Call the safeguarding lead and share that you fled domestic abuse and he barely sees DS so this wont be an effective meeting and you'll offer to meet them on a separate occasion.

Thanks for the advice, really appreciated as I'm not sure of the best thing to do.

I don't particularly care if he slags me off when I'm not there. He's already done that with his family and friends and I don't have control over that. I don't have the strength for watching him in action right now.

I think I'll call and explain, but unlikely I'll gst anyone on the phone so will email.

The school may well not know the domestic or contact arrangements for the family. They will have an admissions form with presumably both parents details on it. So, if they couldn't contact Mum, they have contacted dad. Unless the OP has explicitly told the school that there is little contact between child and father, they wouldn't know the details.

But they will certainly hold separate meetings if asked.

Ime school seeing his behaviour around you is vital.
They can be a great support irl and on paper should you need it.

Whatever you choose, I would suggest preparing for a day when you 'have' to be in the same room as him so that it's less distressing for you. When my ex turned up at the same Christmas play I was completely thrown; but thinking about it I realised I could stand tall and even look him in the eye if he looked at me, because I was a SURVIVOR and had seen him for what he was and called him out on it (by leaving and telling the court/solicitors), and had more integrity and decency in my little finger than he ever had. I've used this tactic with others who have treated me badly in other situations and it really helped me x

A great school shouldn't call in an abusive father who is probably causing his sons problems.
You need to tell them what is going on. Can you let contact phase out, if he's your youngest he can decide to not see him soon.