Treated differently by spouse when either one of us is sick

[AHopeInUniverse]

Myself and husband been together 12 years, we have two children and just for full background he’s diagnosed autistic - the Asperger’s end of the spectrum.

We live a mostly routine lifestyle, with two kids when routine goes out of the window we always try to clearly communicate issues. Things are fairly well split with nights etc.

We however, are treated differently in relation to sickness. We’ve been unfortunate with the amount of illness, children new to nursery as well as the time of year it’s been a nightmare. But if husbands sick or he’s been up having a bad night with the kids I’ll encourage him to do less, relax, I take on more of the load. If he’s unwell and fallen asleep I’d take the kids out to enable him to rest. I don’t want any thanks for this, in my eyes if it helps him get better sooner it’s a win. It’s also no big deal taking on extra for a day when things are well split the rest of the time.

If I’m ever unwell then it’s a battle from the minute I’ve voiced how I’m feeling. Even if the kids have been up most of the night I am not able to sleep during the day. But if I’m unwell I’d be able to fall asleep. Yesterday for example I’ve had covid and have been really sleepy, yesterday I started falling asleep on the sofa. He came over to me and started asking what parts of the house I’m cleaning as it’s a mess, honestly I felt so shit I didn’t care the state of the house. I said this to him and he proceeds to sit in front of me and ask exactly what’s wrong. Which he already knew, so basically he’s sat making me justify why I dare sit down. I was closing and opening my eyes and he was really annoyed at me saying how unfair it was that I was choosing to nap.

I did sleep and I made him take on more of the load but he then made digs about it for the rest of the day.

How on earth do I close the gap between us so it's fair?

Talk to him about it, spelling it out. Tell him flatly, if he's bugging you about cleaning, that you are ill and won't be doing any cleaning while you don't feel up to it. If he offers digs about it during the day, just say plainly that it is not fair for him to be saying anything about it while you are ill.

When you are feeling a bit better, have a proper conversation with him about it. Point out to him that you take some of the burden up when he is ill, and you expect him to do the same when you are ill.

Have you asked him why he thinks it's ok to treat you like that when you're unwell?

I have brought it up. Both when ill and after. When I'm ill he walks around and continues to grumble about. Doesn't take in what I say at all.

Afterwards when we sit and have a calm discussion he can sit and say 'next time I will be more like this' help out etc. however in reality that never happens.

So frustrating as our relationship is generally so good, we love each other and actually co parent really well together. But if I'm ill it's stressful.

I think you need to form it more like the rules of the house and stick to them for both of you situations. E.g when you are unwell you need to be on your own in the bedroom and have rest. He is not allowed to disturb you, expected to cook and do school runs etc.the same applies for you.
Don’t be extra nice to him, when he is unwell and only stick to the rules. However be realistic when making the rules. I wouldn’t expect my DH to help DD in the shower, I would have to do it myself even if I’m unwell but morning routine would be on him completely.
Tbh deep down I don’t think it’s autism but as you are saying it’s good in other issues I hope I’m wrong and you will be able to deal with this.

Or maybe he is frustrated and anxious that you are unwell and subconsciously trying pretend that it’s not happening and everything is fine? You know children sometimes are doing this if parents are unwell.

If a partner gets cancer diagnosis then men are 6 TIMES more likely to leave their sick wife than the other way around. Basically he thinks you are there to make his life easier and he resents if you're not up to your full capacity.

Dh was like this. It used to really piss me off. Then one time when I’d been in bed for four days without eating or surfacing he was complaining to another Dad on the school run about how he was being impacted by my ‘extended illness’. That dad happened to be a doctor, who asked my symptoms and said ‘hmm, that sounds like meningitis, you better get her to the gp asap’.

He did, and it was, and I was hospitalised. Scared the shit out of him and he’s totally different if I get ill now! Not that I’m recommending serious illness as a means of getting through to him…

We're going to have a conversation tonight. I didn't want to go too hard on tackling the issue yesterday as I knew he wouldn't listen.

Well we had a chat. I said clearly, I wasn’t well in future I will take the same time to rest as he does. He had the cheek to say how it frustrated him doing 100% of the work at home…. That’s what I bloody do when he’s sick 🤦🏼‍♀️

So I tried changing tactics and I said okay since it’s clear you can’t meet my level I’ll meet yours. In future neither one of us can sleep during the day if we’re unwell and we’ll have to continue our 50% responsibilities in the house. He got even more annoyed and said he’s sleep and do less anyway 😫 I feel like I’ve got nowhere

@AHopeInUniverse I'm sorry to be coming back to this late, OP, but I'm even sorrier to see that your DH is being a dick about this.

I think the only thing you can do, if otherwise things are good, is to just tune out the grumbling when you are ill and take the time you need without being pressured to do anything. (And it wouldn't hurt to repeatedly point out to your DH, next time he is ill, that you are having to do 100% of the work.)