Please help me feel better about this decision

[Aquagirl47]

Name changed for this.

I was recently offered a teaching position to go to China. The school (although new) has an excellent partner school in the UK (probably the equivalent of something like Eton).

The interview process was extremely tough but they were really impressed with how I performed during the interviews and offered me the job. The package was amazing and I would have the saving potential of £2000 a month tax free.

I am a single mum to a dd who is secondary age. She was offered a free school place also.

After a lot of guilt from my mum and others, I decided not to take the job. I am now really regretting it. It wasn't all positive, as I was concerned about the air quality in this particular city and felt the school took on a very hierarchical stance. However, the opportunities for my career as a new teacher and the opportunities for my dd I feel I have massively fucked up and now have let us both down. I've always been a person that takes chances in life, and I really hate living in the UK for various reasons.

Please make me feel better about this decision. I'm at a really low point about it all.

What appeals to you about China? It's a very different way of life to the UK and they have very strict covid rules still in place.

How old is DD? It's possibly not the best time to be moving her to China if she's secondary age.

You can always move to China when she's older and more independent.

OMG go!!! It would be a wonderful opportunity for both of you. Don’t let people guilt-trip you into turning down the job. It’s your life.

I was in your position and I took the job. Feel free to PM me if you wish.

I'm so sorry this wasn't the right time for your career move!
But I definitely think with DD age, this is not the right time to just up and leave/change her complete life. This is a major time that determines alot for them and she needs stability, routine and her known comfortable environment. Moving to a complete different country would most likely mess alot up for her.
You did the right thing by her, all decisions in life is about your child. And when she is old enough and choosing her own way of life, then it may be a more appropriate time to make huge decisions in your personal career goals.
Well done for everything.

Thank you for your replies.

DD is 11 - first year of secondary school. She is very close to my mum. My mum begged me not to take dd to China and was concerned for her well-being. I've already been living in Asia for a year (not China) and have recently gone through a messy break-up. Unfortunately no real good jobs in that part of Asia where I was living, and so I joined an agency and this amazing opportunity came up and I worked so hard to get it.

We are now back in the UK and I'm trying to re-build my life here again, but it's been hell trying to adjust - there's just so much doom and gloom here and I just can't fathom to listen to the news as it feels so negative and depressing.

I've lived in China previously (before dd) so I understand the culture and to be honest, even with the Covid stuff - the school was offering so much opportunity that most could only dream about.

I feel like I've really fu*ked up by being a complete people pleaser (yet, again!) and can't shake this feeling. There will be time in my life again to go and explore and do all those things again when dd is 18. I know this. Right now it just feels like I'm just wasting my days away until that time comes again.

I feel really low. :(

For you I can see how disappointing this is.

However, whilst I think it was terribly unfair of your mother to emotionally manipulate you and put pressure on you not to go, I do think that it would have been unfair on your daughter.

Don’t see it as a missed opportunity, you will have the chance to go again when she’s finished school.

Alternatively would you have considered your daughter living with your mother (if she was willing and capable) in the U.K. whilst you worked in China and came home during holidays and your daughter coding you out there sometimes?

OP you made the best decision you could at the time .It's natural I think with decisions like this to review and wonder if you made the correct choice .

Sometimes there isn't a right decision ,there will be pros and cons either way .You may feel now ,with further thought and hindsight ,that you would have chosen differently ,it's easy to have that perspective now .But it's not one that was available at the time you made the decision .Yes ,you may have had doubts but you did the best you could in the circumstances - thinking about your mum ,your daughter and her bond with her .

I suppose I'm saying ,even if it is the wrong decision (and can things ever be that black and white ? ) don't beat yourself up for making it .

Personally, I think you did what is best for your 11 year old daughter - she's 11 not 16, I agree with your Mum.

Your mother should not be living her life through you.

your dd is the perfect age for this experience- you made a decision that you have regretted can you go back an accept the job?

of it doesn’t work out then you can come back

yoir mother can come to you if she’s that keen

Equally, you say you have gone through a 'messy' break up, so I assume to some degree your daughter would have been exposed to that, she is close to your Mum and I'm afraid 'doom and gloom' is not UK specific. I can't imagine wanting to subject my 11 year old girl to an awful authoritarian education system, if the above is true. I know someone who did similar but it was only to France but the children were 11+ it was and has been a disaster for them

DD is at an age where friends and peer group are becoming all important. Does she speak Chinese, or would her social life have been restricted to a tiny circle of expat Brits? I think you need to put her first at this stage, and do your own travelling and having new experiences when she goes off to uni. I do understand - I was a widowed single parent from when both my DDs were still babies - it is frustrating, but you need to make the best of life in the UK for now.

The 'perfect age'? Are you sure about that. Yes, if it doesn't work out you can just disrupt your child's life more maye at GCSE time and your Mum can always visit the very accepting China.

I obviously don't know all the ins and outs of your situation but I think I'd probably be on your mum's side with this. Your daughter has already had to adjust to life in another foreign country then been uprooted after a year. You've broken up from a partner so your daughter has had to learn to live without them as a constant in her life. You brought her back to be near her grandmother who it sounds like she has a good bond with and then were thinking of uprooting her again to adjust to a totally new way of life again at a time when she's probably just started to settle into secondary and establish friendships. I can understand that you might want the adventure but as a parent you have to consider your child's best interests and I think in this case it might be best to stick to Britain until she's at least finished secondary education.

How long ago did you turn down the job? Is it possible to contact them & ask if they would consider you again?