Deeply dissatisfied with my life in my late 20s

[thesundayblues]

I'm 27, nearly 28. I am so unbelievably unhappy with the circumstances of my life, and I don't know what to do about it. I have a job that I'm good at, but I struggle with it so much, especially the social aspects. I don't click with my colleagues, and I dread going into the office so much because of it. I have drifted from all of my friends, and I have such low self-esteem I think they wouldn't want to hear from me as I'm weird, miserable and boring. For the same reason, I don't make new friends and isolate myself and keep to myself at work. I've never been in a serious relationship, as I just can't imagine anyone liking me in that way. I spend most of my free time either mindlessly scrolling through social media or watching TV, comfort eating, 'treating' myself to things like new clothes and makeup and booking trips and days out to try and make myself feel better. I honestly can't remember the last time I was happy. Every chapter of my life has felt anxiety-ridden and awful, and when I look back at old pictures I can feel it. Work is a struggle, university was a struggle, school was a struggle. I think I haven't been happy since primary school, to be honest. I want nothing more to be a Mum, and over the years I've watched as people I went to school with start having babies and getting married and each time my heart just sinks.

Every Sunday I get this horrible feeling wash over me like I'm running out of time to work out how to sort my life out. I journal a lot, and I get this panicked feeling that I've not been self-reflective enough, I've not worked everything out 'yet'. I expect to be able to self-reflect and ruminate my way to happiness, and somehow on Sunday I feel like I need to spend the day working out what's wrong so I can head into Monday armed with everything I need to know to finally sort myself out.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I guess to try and channel that horrible Sunday feeling into something, and hope that someone out there has some advice or words of wisdom or something

I'm pretty sure you have anxiety or depression OP that medication might help, and it might even complete change your life.

I'm on citalopram for anxiety and depression, it has helped with normal day-to-day functioning but not the bigger picture, existential stuff

Have you had CBT or some kind of talking therapy? Sounds like you need to adjust the way you see yourself and the world. If that's not accessible to you I've been listening to 'the psychiatry and psychotherapy podcast' on Spotify, you could try the 'cognition distortions' episode. Do you do any exercise? Weight training changed my life and is apparently good for depression.

Didn’t want to read and run - and some good posts here already on working this through which maybe a lot more useful than these practical next steps (as I. Know myself that practical advice is no use if you aren’t in the right place). But as and when you are

• consider moving jobs (speaking as an employer it is very hard to find staff at the moment which means for you it is much easier and less risky to move and try somewhere else 😊. Also now loads more common for people in their 20s to move once a year
• try to find at some point something in your out of work life which you enjoy for itself. You May or May not also make friends doing it but if you like the thing doesn’t matter (dance, sport, crafts, volunteering (good thing with this one is whatever happens you know something good come from it) or whatever !
• and honestly loads of time to have a family (age this happens varies so much but hard if people around you do this in twenties whereas most people i know were in thirties and beyond)

good luck

Stop journalling.

I know it goes against everything you've ever been told, but honestly, all this self-reflection is just yelling into the void. I used to spend ages writing things down when I was younger, and looking back I realise that it hardly helped me at all. You cannot self-reflect your way to happiness.

Stop journalling. Stop scrolling. Forget the written word for a bit. Stop consuming (tv, shopping, days out). DO something. Join a choir, or a litter-pick, or a bowls club, or a community garden. Go for a walk. Plant an orange pip.

Don’t listen to everyone telling you you need to medicate yourself because you’re unhappy with you circumstances OP. You shouldn’t have to drug yourself up/numb yourself, a lot of people would be unhappy in your situation. Why don’t you try looking for a new job?

That sounds hard. I would say find a counsellor - may need to try more than one before you click with someone, don't be afraid to try several. You have time to commit to this and having someone listen acceptingly to you can be really life changing.

I would put energy into this before anything else and give it a year.
You could also find a course or evening class to join, activity you enjoy. You may need to talk yourself into it every week, that's okay. Talk to the resistant part of yourself as though it were a friend, who you would be kind and helpful to.

I have tried talking therapy and counselling this year but it didn't really help. I'm quite a private person and found I could talk about 'socially acceptable' things (like work stress), but not the more deeply personal things I have a lot of shame around (no friends, never having been in a relationship before).

I do think I need to change jobs though. I've been there for just over a year and am still not feeling settled there, it just doesn't feel like the right fit even though on paper it should.

Ugh I hate this feeling. I feel homesick, like I just want to go home. But I am at home.

@merryhouse I've never even considering not journaling, but I think you may be right. I've been journalling for 6 years and it hasn't really helped. When I look back at entries from 5/6 years ago I still had the same issues, it hasn't helped.

Have you listed to Brene Brown talking about shame? She has Ted talks and interviews you can access for free.

She really helped me deal with the emotion of shame.

I get it, I have the same fears socially. At work I withdraw myself, so much I worry I come across strange or a snob.

With a partner, I always made the effort with online dating as otherwise I would be very lonely. I have a husband and two kids but not any freinds really and thats my own fault.

I cannot give advice rearding the social side but, romantic i advice to just put yourself out there.

I don't mean this in a sneery way but I think you just need to give yourself permission to grow up a bit. Start having a more practical, cooler attitude towards work colleagues. You don;t have to be best buddies - if you are civil and work hard and show interest in projects and meetings, then you are doing your job.

Focus on improving your life outside of work. I always find it helps to have a range of activities.

First - you need some exercise - try out some dance and yoga classes, bootcamps and spin, running club or tennis - whatever appeals to you even a little bit. No need to stick at stuff you hate. Try two new things each week until you find something you like and then stick with it. Having strength and vitality helps with anxiety.

Next - do something in the community. Making a contribution helps you feel worthwhile. Again, not to make friends necessarily but just to be active. You could help at a foodbank or soup kitchen (DS made life long friends from volunteering in a soup kitchen - they go on holiday together twice a year) Or community gardening, visiting the elderly, meals on wheels, helping at a church or in a political or eco campaign. Get involved with something you care about.

Third - do something creative or fun - maybe join a pottery or art class, a choir or crama club, a writing group or book club.

Start taking some healthy risks with your life. One would be to sign up for online dating and go on a couple of dates a month. You don't need to kiss any frogs. Just chat and meet men who sound like your type of person. Again, DS (who was very shy, no friends or girlfriend) met his girlfriend online. He made friends and found love by doing things he found scary - he really didn't want to sign up for the soup kitchen or Tinder, but taking ACTION makes all the difference. Your diary can't help you make new friends or find a lover.

You can go on under 30s singles holidays - there are loads of interesting explore-style ones. It's not all booze and clubbing. Try saving for one of those a year instead of frittering money on clothes or makeup you don't really care about.

CBT could be helpful but allowing yourself to do worthwhile things that are outside of your comfort zone is the best way to get out of a rut.

Don't wait for a man to fulfil your life. If you want a dc have one now. Your fertility will never be as good as today. If your career is static and you have little social life you don't have much to lose.

I'd suggest you spend a lot less time on introspection. Instead get out and do stuff. Stuff that keeps you busy - that prevents your mind from looking inward and ruminating. Stuff that gives you things to notice outside yourself.

Don't hang around focusing on being miserable all day on Sunday. Go for a long walk instead. Find a walking group to join. Go regularly. Talk to people, a little, a lot, whatever you like. Tire yourself out physically. You'll sleep better and feel better.

Do some volunteering. Outdoor activity with conservation or local 'friends of' groups might suit you. Lots of activity, not reliant on talking to people.

First, you need to rewrite and learn a new narrative, on which focuses on positives and not negatives. I've learned that believing really is half of being. You, and only you, should control your own destiny. Do some research so you won't forget what you've learned (you can't take our comments with you). I jump right into the Army when I turned 18, moved from the south to New York, and did it alone. I looked at it as an adventure, when I could've easily said I did it out of desperation. Change the narrative. Believe in you. <3

Hope you’re feeling in a better place now OP. I noticed a big difference in how I felt mentally when I started sorting my vitamin deficiencies(iron,folate vitamin D)

When I’ve felt stuck I’ve written down things I want to do and tried to fit them into my week. It doesn’t have to be expensive something like trying a new recipe or exercise video on YouTube.

Just feeling like you’re taking ownership over your own life can help.

I second ditching the journalling. It's like torturing yourself. You end the day by reminding yourself how crap the day was.
I would suggest you find a club. Anything. Local rowing club, park run, climbing club. Anything that has a welcoming ethos and you can find friends. You need to find something that makes you work to live and fill your weekends, ideally sports based so you get some endorphins. It's much easier to do this this time of year as it's getting sunnier.
You also mention that you've had this at each stage in life, I don't want to be a keyboard psychiatrist but this is often the case with women who have ASD. Might be worth looking into.

Look for something else.

I work in the same field I always have, for decades! First two offices/authorities were awful. You may enjoy the job but not the people.

you're probably not into this kinda thing, but if you are, google the Saturn return. it's when saturn returns to the same position it was in the zodiac when you were born. It's a big deal. Happens between somewhere around age 27 - 31, a difficult coming of age time with lots of life lessons but if you step up to the mark things will be easier after. Feel free to ignore if this is not of interest in any way and you think it's all bollocks!

Lots of good advice here.hope you feel better very Soon. Your too much in side your own head i think. Go volunteer for the homeless.join a church.or choir. Join a self help group to discuss your thoughts and get it off your chest.it will put your life in perspective. Join dancing classes or go to a college course on something you have always wanted to do.theres so much out there but you have to take the first step.

Have you ever been assessed for autism? Many women go through life without a diagnosis. It sounds like your problems stem from social interactions which could point to autism.

Definitely stop all of that journaling nonsense. It's just pointless rumination that keeps you in the cycle of negative thinking that will only make whatever anxiety you have even worse. You are also putting far too much value on workplace relationships. Your colleagues are not your friends, and fitting in with them shouldn't even be a concern aside from being polite and cordial. You're there to do a job, not to make "friends" with people you wouldn't choose to spend five minutes with if you weren't forced to work with them.

Get out there, join some clubs, book groups, a gym, whatever. See what works, what you like, and stop what you don't like. You are so, so young, op. You'll get where you want to be, you just need to be patient and kind to yourself.

We live in two worlds simultaneously, our inner world (thoughts, feelings) and our outer world (circumstances, people etc.)

The answer to your search for meaning/happiness is in your inner world.

you have some good advice here already, but I would also recommend to stop scrolling social media, watch mindless tv and start reading and investing in your inner growth. There are tons of free and paid resources available.
read a book called “girl, wipe your tears”, look up Gary Bishop on YouTube and watch some of his videos or read his books (unf*ck yourself is a good one to start).
do some form of exercise daily and spend some time outdoors, that is the quickest way to start the first changes that lead to lasting improvement in how you feel.

when the student is willing, the teacher will appear

I was exactly your age and feeling similar when I bit the bullet and upturned my life because there was honestly nowhere to go but up. I quit a job I didn't like, moved back with my parents temporarily while I got organised, did a couple of short courses, volunteered, went back to basics. If I'd had the money I'd probably have travelled for a bit. It was a great decision. A six month 'gap year' to reset myself. And during that time I also met my now husband! When you're at rock bottom, anything is worth trying. Sending love ❤️

I had forgotten about this post until it got bumped. Thank you all for your advice, it has really helped.

I thought I would give a bit of an update. Since this post I’ve quit my job, I know people are saying that I placed too much emphasis on getting along with colleagues, and I agree, but that is also part of the work culture. I handed my notice in after a meeting with my manager when one of my suggestions for improving was to be more involved socially at work, such as volunteering to host a ‘fun quiz’ with collagues. It’s not me, and I can’t settle in that kind of environment. I’m still in my notice period and chose to quit without having another job lined up but I have savings to support myself.

Ive also stopped journaling as a few of you advised and it’s really helped. I feel more relaxed about things as I’m not ruminating. I do still feel behind in life, and want to just settle down.

I have started to think that I may be autistic. I don’t think I’ll ever pursue a diagnosis or tell anyone, but it helps me have more compassion for myself. Even if I’m not autistic, viewing some of my behaviours through that lens has helped.