Trigger Warning...was this abuse?

[blackmirror334]

On at least 2 occasions when I was around 10/11 my brother (one year older) made me touch his penis. He also attempted to penetrate me with his penis although I’m not sure if it actually went in.

He was the one who initiated it. I don’t know if I was curious or wanted to be accepted by him but I just went along with it.

For a long time I made myself believe he was just experimenting. Is that even a thing? Do siblings experiment with each other or was this abuse?

When I was 7 and my male cousin was 14 he locked us in the bathroom and put his fingers in my vagina. This happened just once. Was this abuse?

Given the ages and the age differences in these scenarios are they different?

Both were sexual abuse and no siblings dont normally behave like this, have you told anyone in real life, are you ok.

Exploring each other’s bodies at that age would be intentional and possibly copied behaviour.

This was abuse. My older brother did similar things to me for years and its caused me no end of issues as an adult. Facing up to it, confronting him by letter and going no contact with him is one of the best things I ever did.
Just because you weren't kicking and screaming doesnt mean you were a willing participant and its common to freeze in these situations. I think the NSPCC website has guidance on what constitutes abuse. Its a lot commoner than people think.
I found the Havoca website and forum very useful.

Thank you @HappyHamsters and @BobbyBobbyBobby no I haven't told anyone irl. I don't want anyone to get into trouble and it would cause huge problems in my family. I only see my cousin every few years and my brother and I talk regularly although we have never mentioned this. Everyone on the outside looking in will just see a normal family.

@BobbyBobbyBobby
They weren't "exploring each others bodies" though - she was being used in both cases for the others sexual gratification.

Do you know if your cousin abused your brother? Your brother's behaviour is extremely unusual. He's maybe learned it from somewhere close to home?

Same happened to me ( brother three years older), but he was much younger. I’ve struggled too OP, and felt a great deal of shame. I don’t feel I can confront him like another poster did, as he was quite young too ( 7 or 8), which leads me to believe it happened to him.

Yes, it’s abuse, and I hope you’re ok

Thank you @3beesinmybonnet I will look at those resources. I'm so sorry this has happened to you 💐and I'm pleased you have been able to take steps to be at peace. Do you feel you'll always have some sort of issues due to this or have you been able to work throw these?

Thank you @TiredButAlive I have absolutely no idea if anything happened to him, but then I guess no one would know it had happened to me. Is it really that unusual? I thought it was normal. We grew up close to another family where, looking back now as an adult, I'm sure the brother did sexual things to the sister. Now I'm wondering if my brother saw or knew things and thought this was normal? The sister was also friends with another two girls I knew who were very sexualised when we were young. They were a similar age to me and knew so many things that I had no idea about at 9/10/11.

I'm so sorry @Dotcheck this happened to you too. I cannot confront my brother about this. I never will. Do you feel this has caused other issues in your life? How do you make peace with this?

I am so sorry you experienced this.

Yes it was abuse and it can't be excused by the fact that they were young too.

They were in their teens so perfectly able to understand what they were doing.

I would try to speak to someone about this OP, like a counsellor, and there is also the issues that these men might have kids now or be in contact with children through work and there is a further safeguarding issue there.

This is the crux of it isn't it. I can think of lots of examples where I went on to be used for other peoples sexual gratification over the years and I am so sad. I'm utterly devastated for the little girl I was and how much she just wanted to please people and would let them do what they wanted to her so as not to rock the boat.

I think deep down I've always known that what they both did was wrong. I've never told anyone what happened and don't think I ever will. Posting this today was a small step in taking my life back. I feel these events have affected me more than I ever really knew and some of the issues I have in life probably stem from then.

@blackmirror334

I actually blocked it out for a long time. I was sitting in a psychology lecture when I was 19 or 20 and the content triggered everything to come back. Before that, I would say he and I were very close.
I know it has caused problems, but our family was so dysfunctional that I can’t work out what damage has been caused by what.

Although it has damaged me, I can’t confront him or make it public. I think the same must have happened to him. This was a very long time ago, and porn wouldn’t have been accessible- he wasn’t copying behaviour seen online, because the internet didn’t exist.
If the wider family knew, I know my mum would blame me.
I’m a long way off processing it properly. I know it was abuse, but he was a child, so is probably carrying the shame of being both abused and abuser.

I’ve only told three people. Two basically smiled and nodded and left it at that. One was as supportive as he could be- he was abused/ raped as a child so ‘got it’ more.
I do think sexual abuse is so so common. I probably assume more people HAVE been assaulted than haven’t. Probably not a great way to look at the world

@blackmirror334
For years I had low self esteem, a deep sense of shame without knowing why, and I put my own needs and feelings last. I deliberately stayed in the background as I was terrified of people 'finding out what I was really like' without knowing what that meant. It affected everything in my life - relationships, career and I never went to uni though I dearly wanted to. Those bad feelings are now gone.
I'm still gradually learning to prioritise my own needs and wants, and Im quite enjoying it! I'm still a bit quiet but no longer see that as a bad thing. I am honestly so much happier now.