Is it autism or the struggles of teenage years?

[IhopeIdontoffendanyonebut]

I have NC.

I have read masses of threads on ASD here and also info online. I am trying to educate myself as much as possible. Yet somehow I feel I'll manage to offend someone by asking the wrong thing or expressing myself in the wrong way, so I feel I need to start by apologising in advance!!

I honestly just want to gain a better understanding of what's happening with my 15 YO DD.

She seems to be permanently moody, almost to the point that her facial expressions seem to have been reduced to permanently pissed off or neutral, from what looked like a happy, bubbly, chatty, engaged, loving, funny and extremely expressive child. We noticed a change in her a few months into secondary school. We became aware of some SH. We started seeking help from school and professionals but didn't get very far as the lockdowns hit. Eventually a psychologist suggested looking into adhd, but this came back negative as there were no hyperactive traits in childhood.

DD came out of lockdown with awful social anxiety. She'd continue wearing the mask even if she didn't need to, and she's unbelievably awkward. She now seems to have a small group of friends that she values and appreciates massively, and it seems reciprocal, but she seems permanently moody with her dad and I. I have tried to engage her in so many ways, I have offered counselling, seeing a psychologist, paying for courses, etc, you name it, but she just seem to keep me at arms length. Some of the ASD traits fit here, particularly the extreme social anxiety and low self esteem, but there's nothing that's been present from childhood, and even now there's no repetitive behaviours, meltdowns or a need for a strict routine.

I am going backwards and forwards in my head, is it neurodiversity or is it the woes of the teenage years combined with an extremely pressured educational system and two lockdowns?

I wonder if anyone has gone through similar and has 'come out' the other end? Right now I worry so much about her future, and I struggle to work out how to be with her.

She partly sounds like a normal teen, and partly perhaps anxiety.
As you know, not everyone has all the markers for ASD.
What do school say, have you specifically mentioned ASD ? And I’d be looking at anxiety also.

There’s not enough information there to suggest autism, but the moodiness is definitely normal with our friends’ teenage girls (we have a teenage boy) especially in post covid times.

How are her monthly cycles , are they regular? Could all the hormones be affecting her ? Just hope she comes through this stage soon .

The only indication my dd had that she had ASD when she was little was she wouldn’t wear buttons.🤷🏼‍♀️

As she got older she developed social anxiety and a thing called ‘hierarchical anxiety’. Ie she won’t speak to doctors or teachers. Lockdown appeared to be the catalyst, but l think it was just when the symptoms started emerging.

Her biggest thing was sensory overload. I think your daughter is showing signs. The mask wearing sounds a flag. My dd was ultra sociable, chatty and friendly to everyone as a child.

I think your worry about her is sending her a message that she's broken. Try backing off a bit but just letting her know that you're there. Help facilitate friendships and encourage hobbies.

Some teen girls have awful problems with hormones. If so a GP might advise if it's becoming a longterm issue.

I can't see any obvious ASD signs from what you've written. The anxiety is obvious. What about arranging a private counsellor for her?

Also mine had no repetitive markers, no need of strict routines. She was always terrified of breaking rules at school. She had hideous meltdowns as a child but none now. And beware:

The other night she decided to do her homework in the front room. First the tv was annoying her, then her df shuffling was annoying her, etc etc etc. Then l got ‘You get me tested for ASD, and when l can’t cope with all the sensory stuff, you have a go at me. You’re SUCH a hypocrite!’🙄

It sounds like a moody teen thing. Some are more moody and defiant than others. Some want to show their independance and that they don'g meed 'mummy and daddy' any more (even though they obviously still do, very much).

They say it's a normal phase for teens to disengage from and 'hate' their parents, as part of the natural pulling away, and apparently it helps us to move away from them slightly too (although obviously we love them forever). Let her get on with it but just be there for her when she wants to talk.

Do you still do nice things together, from time to time, or on a regular basis? I have two teen DDs and I do try to spend time with each of them individually. DD1 enjoys the cinema, shopping/browsing, sometimes a walk. DD2 likes going for coffee and a cake, occasionally a full breakfast in a cafe, or watching a film at home with me. So long as they still do stuff with me, they do open up sometimes. But at other times yeh there is a bit of moodiness, which is normal.

This question isn't any easier to answer when you have a diagnosis btw.

What's what is very confusing!

It sounds normal to me.

May I ask has your dd asked to be referred to a psychologist as that seems very extreme to push that for moods.

My dd has a severe phobia so she she's a psychologist and she asked to be referred to a educational psychologist and had an ADD assessment which was borderline yes.

Anyway back onto your dd I would advise you to get onto the teen board on here which is part of the parenting section and you will see how normal it is at 14 is to act like they hate you on a regular basis.

there is currently a thread going which is a support thread and it's really friendly with loads of parents having similar experiences, it really does help to make you realise you're not alone.

problem with Teens are nobody really wants to talk about it with anyone else like they do babies and toddlers because it feels embarrassing and feels like you're failing as a parent when your tean treats you like crap, however that's considered normal when your child is under four for them to kick off so stigma isn't quite so intense.

Children really do change a lot when their hormones kick in . Even the most compliant. Lovely child can be a complete pain in the arse at times, I'm not saying that your dd doesn't have asd etc issues, I don't know her, but what you're describing is completely normal for a teenager,

hopefully see you on the teenager board

I realise this is an old thread but your DD sounds just like mine and she's just been diagnosed with ASD and inattentive ADHD. We paid for a private assessment as NHS waiting lists are 4 yrs long.

Similar to a PP, our DD has no repetitive behaviours, no meltdowns, no need for routine etc. but does suffer from social anxiety, has plenty of friends but is incredibly grumpy with DH&I (no SH thankfully). Remember girls with ASD present completely differently and that is only just being fully understood even by educational and healthcare professionals. I hope things have improved for you & your family 💐