In total shock, need a handhold

[Shellshocked80]

I’ve namechanged for this as I am a frequent poster.

i had written previously about my awful relationship with my mother. I am NC with her as she is a horrible nasty abusive drunk who has treated me like absolute dirt for years.

I have an uncle who is quite a bit younger than the rest of his siblings. He has never had the life of a dog, he’s a poor soul. My gran treated him like shit. He’s never been able to hold down a job as he’s been a chronic alcoholic for years. He’s not a bad person, he’s totally harmless, he’s just a pitiful man who never had a chance in life.

I was told by someone who is basically a complete stranger, purely by chance, that my gran was actually his gran. The person who told me this was apparently friends with him when he was growing up. My curiosity got the better of me and I managed to get a copy of his birth certificate and my mother is actually his mother and he is actually my brother. Now I know things were different back then and single mums often weren’t able to look after their children alone. But when I think about the way he was treated and my mum knew all about it. And the way my mum has sneered down her nose at me all my life. I’m just disgusted at her and my gran for doing this to him and also to me and my other brothers.

Im not going to confront her with this information or even tell my other brothers. I just need help to process all this in my head.

Very difficult situation op, these things tend to come out though, how would other brothers react if they find out the truth later down the line and realise you didn’t tell them ?

I’ll be honest, because of the way I got treated compared to my bothers I wouldn’t be surprised if they already know. They’re the golden boys. I know my dad would have known about this, my dad wouldn’t be my uncles father, I know that for a fact but a lot of things now make sense for me. My dad passed away last year quite suddenly and I adored him but he will have taken this secret to the grave.

Hey
How old are you and your brothers?
Is this new brother older than any of you??
What a shock to find out x

So your half brother has known all along then, if it’s plain as day one the birth certificate?
That’s a lot to take in 😕
Why didn’t your dad stop your mum treating you so badly?

I’m 42, my brothers are 45 and 38. My uncle/brother is 53

Because he was as loyal as the day was long to her. She was allowed to say whatever she wanted and we were to walk on eggshells around her.

Do you have any good relationship with uncle/brother? Can you tell him you know?

Who is he loyal to, do you mean your gran or your mum? Or both?

Is this about how you feel about uncle/brother or just about how you feel about mum?

I haven’t seen my uncle for about 2 or 3 years. I couldn’t speak to him about this, he’s far too vulnerable. My dad was too loyal to my mum, she was to be put on a pedestal no matter how horrible she was to me.

I found out a similar thing when I turned 26 - my aunt is actually my half-sister. It totally screwed me up, not so much that she was my half-sister, but that my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles must have all known, and I'd never had a clue, and so what else did I not know about my life that they'd failed to tell me? Made it very difficult for me to trust anyone else else for a long time, and I suspect it's part of the reason I have never had a proper relationship or children.

So please see a counseller or someone to help you process it if you need to.

It appears that alcoholism plays a huge part on one side of your family and that each person afflicted has been unable to form loving and caring relationships within the family.

It must be horrible to look back at the why’s and what if’s but the sad reality is that you can’t undo or change what has already happened.

You must try and unburden yourself from the past and be thankful that you didn’t succumb to alcoholism as they have.

I’m sorry you went through something similar. You’re right; I’ve never had what I consider a proper normal relationship. I don’t know what that looks like. Everything around me is fucked up. My children are the only family I have, I don’t speak to anyone else as I don’t trust them. I am a strong person but by god I feel so utterly alone.

I don’t speak to anyone else as I don’t trust them

This resonates. I prefer to keep friendships fairly superficial so for example not inviting people into my home, not divulging personal information etc, because I can't trust others. Which stops me forming close, lasting relationships.

The impact on life of being lied to and secrets kept is huge and devestating. Sorry for all those experiencing it.

Your head must be all over the place @Shellshocked80 , is there anyone you can tell, just so you have a safe person to talk too if anything changes ?
If they told you they could tell others
Terrible shock for you

my head is wasted by it all.

I have a very close friend/almost partner who I have told, he has been very good at listening and has told me he will support me whatever I decide to do.

i swing between feeling sorry for her and being so angry. I have worked out she would have been 15 when she gave birth. I’m not sure I want to know the circumstances, I think it would have been an abusive situation. I don’t think any of this was her fault at all.

based on her personality it’s like she never grew up from being 15. Lots of things make lots of sense now. One part of me wants to protect her and tell her she doesn’t need to be frightened anymore. The other part of me is angry because this secret has caused me to have a terrible relationship with her, she’s always been so snide to me and constantly wanting to pick fights and be put on a pedestal. I don’t blame my dad for wanting to protect her but I don’t think he went about things the right way. I’m trying to put myself in her shoes. I just don’t know what to do.

I'm sorry to hear this. What a thing to discover.

It struck a chord with me as I used to have a good friend who was a Health Visitor in the 1950s, 60s and 70s. She used to describe situations such as yours as not uncommon, both the pregnancy and the family reactions to it.

One thing she used to say, which you may or may not consider likely, is that it was very often the father of the girl who was the father of the baby. So, if that was the case, your half-brother (your mother's son) would also be your uncle (your grandfather's son). If that was so it might explain your grandmother's reaction and the extreme distress which might lead to your own mother's problems.

It doesn't sound as if you are alone finding yourself in this situation, but the timing means that it was at a time when it would common for the family to pretend it didn't happen. I do hope it's rarer these days, but I wonder ...

I do hope you can find some peace. Your dad sounds like a good man in a difficult situation.

Oh op that sounds so difficult. Handhold from me

We found a similar familial situation but 2 generations ago and all dead - thanks ancestry! Actually we found it a bit funny with 21st century eyes, also a half sister that we were told was a full sister and that my great grandparents were never legally married (though she used his name)