Does it matter if I have borderline personality disorder?

[Doesitmatteranyway]

So years ago, when I was late teens/early 20s, I was treated by psychiatric team for a few years due to problems with low mood, anxiety, intrusive thoughts and self harm. I was a hospital inpatient 3 times and attended a day unit for 2 years. I made one suicide attempt. I left university in my first year and lived a chaotic life for a while, didn’t work, didn’t get on with my family, drank a lot and used drugs and spent all my money on random weird shopping sprees. I fell out with most people I knew.
I then got better and went back to university and have been working for nearly 20 years. I’m now happily married and had 2 kids and a few good friends. All this time I’ve continued to take medication (SSRIs) and have functioned ok as long as I take care to lead a kind of boring life with no drama. I try really hard to be a kind and useful member of society. I have a lot of guilt and shame about the way I was and I rarely talk about it.

Now I’m in my 40s. My 40s have thrown a few things my way. The loss of a parent, a physical health problem that is now resolved but left me with a lot of health related anxiety. I have been struggling on and off for a couple of years and also had some bother with perimenopause symptoms. I’ve been referred to psychiatry again and I am worried that there must be something very wrong with me.

when I was in my 20s my key worker suggested that I had a personality disorder. I responded by becoming very distressed and it was never mentioned again. It felt like he was trying to tell me I was a bad person and I couldn’t cope with the idea that I had something wrong ‘with me’ rather than an illness that could be treated and cured.

now I realise that I need to talk about this with the psychiatrist but does it really matter ? I worry that I may be a bad mother because maybe I am behaving in a way that is harmful to my children psychologically without even knowing that I am doing anything wrong. Maybe people see me as an odd person but that I don’t realise that I’m odd. Or maybe this is just my intrusive thoughts and anxiety causing these feelings ?

that all sounds really confused but I just feel really preoccupied with it. Does anyone have any experience of BPD and has recovered and then relapsed? Or had similar worries?

I don't have any experience of this and am hoping someone will come along soon. I didn't want this to go unanswered.

You have done an amazing job to turn your life around. Many of us have things or done things we regret. It sounds like you used mechanisms to cope until you found one that really worked. And now, life stress has been a bit of a trigger. Please talk to your psychiatrist about this because you will improve, you've done it before.

Yes OP. My life has been similar to yours, with a recent relationship attempt triggering all the old shit. I am very ill currently but going to receive DBT which is fantastic for BPD.
i was ashamed of my past self but have learned to 'forgive' and accept that i was very ill. I now realise and appreciate how well i have done to achieve all i have in life withbthis bastarding illness constantly dragging me down.
Please seek help and do PM me if you like, I'm over the peak of my latest breakdown so feel i can be positive in my outlook.
Attitudes at BDP have changed massively in recent years, we are no longer the 'basket cases' or 'untouchables' of the mental health world.
With a bit of a medication switch up and some self prioritisation and care you will pull through.
I'm very vocal about my condition and health these days and feel much freer and happier due to this. There is no shame in being afflicted with a horrendous medical condition.

PS. It is ok to accept that you are very ill at the moment, but will get better and back on an even keel. It is ok to just be. I do lots of journaling to get the stress out of my head and into a semblance of order.
Your local Crisis Team will be there should you need thdm and Zopoclone and Diazepam can see you through the worst of the lows as a short term fix (i stopped eating and sleeping during my recent spiral).
I reiterate that you are doing xo much better than you think, shouldering the daily load of life while carrying round this turd of an illness and I'd put good money on the fact you are a super Mum and wonderful person, often BPD makes us more sensitive and compassionate than those without this illness.

Thank you for your replies. I feel very lonely at the moment. I just feel kind of stunned to be in this position again after working so hard I feel like a real failure. I’m currently off work and have been for several weeks and feel so guilty as I know my colleagues are struggling with staffing.
@StridTheKiller I hope the DBT helps you. Mental illness can be a very lonely experience. I feel like I am always hiding myself. Good on you for being open I hope I can get to a point where I feel I can be myself.

You will get there. You're keeping on trying and that takes more strength than most people understand.
I get its lonely, I'm pretty sure most of us have something. I think I was semi-functionally depressed after my dmum died and regret not getting help and feeling like I should do things on my own. Asking for and getting help is one of the strongest things you can do.

It is an isolating and lonely disorder and still rather taboo i feel. It took me a while to accept my diagnosis but there was no denying that i am textbook BPD!
You have had a relapse, that is all and are ill. Allow yourself to drop the shame and guilt, of having this illness and of being off work. In a way i have snuggled into the cocoon of illness and allowed myself to 'be ill' instead of fighting and denying it.
You aren't back where you were in your 20s, you, the understanding and treatment of BPD have dramatically changed. You have only slipped a little off the path and will be more than able to step back onto the path with compassion, care and medical help. You are so far ahead of where you were in your 20s.
It is hard to see through the fig of misery and illness, but this will clear..
Can you prioritise sleep, a little fresh air and excersise daily and an appointment with your psych team as a priority?

Yes I know I am more ‘established’ now than I was in my 20s, with more skills to take care of myself (and more reason- as I have my lovely family) when I was younger I felt totally rootless and untethered. I use to sometimes feel like I was floating off into an abyss and I just touched on that feeling a couple of times recently and it scared me so much.
thank you again for your kind words it has really moved me that people can be so supportive even when they are struggling themselves.
I have an appointment on Monday and I will be brave and try to express all this jumble in my head. So far it has taken me a couple of appointments to even admit that I wasn’t well. I was kind of surprised that I was encouraged not to go back to work as I felt like a fraud. But having this time off has helped me to realise how bad it had got and I feel safe at home .

I hope you are beginning to feel better @Exasperatednow. Thank you for your kind words

There is a lot of stigma with bpd so I can see why that would upset you. Sometimes it’s floated for things that are really difficult to manage and if it’s hard to know what you have or how to treat you.

Op, you have lived a fully functioning life. You know you have! And you’re going through a hard time now, where it is normal to throw up your mental health. You will be ok. You don’t have to bring it up if you don’t want. The psychiatrist will make their own assessment of you now and try to support you however is best.

❤️

I think I probably have BPD due to a chaotic and traumatic childhood. It is horrendous when I feel all the feels. The mood swings are horrendous.
You're doing really well, OP.

I was diagnosed borderline 20+ years ago - these days they look at autism, but back then Autism in women just wasn’t considered.

so, were you to delve deeper, it might be worth looking in that direction.

I received an autism diagnosis in my mid-40s and one of my oldest friends who’s a psychiatrist said basically no way was I borderline, but autistic fit - we’ve known each other since childhood.

like you, I deliberately keep my life on a low-level, low-drama, even keel.

BPD is much better understood and the perception of it has changed enormously even over the past 5 years. My youngest DC has recently been diagnosed with BOD - they are 19 and a textbook case. They are on a waiting list for DBT and EMDR (comorbid PTSD) and they are also autistic. They are a lovely person, openly seeking support, working hard at a STEM degree. The world is still a tough place with many ignorant people, but it's so much better than it was. Be bold about asking for help and be honest about your problems, OP. You have insight and understanding, you will get there.

I had a line manager some years ago who had BPD. She was one of the best managers I've had.

I suppose that is what is preoccupying me - like it may be that I do have bpd? or maybe I am neurodiverse? or maybe I am just sad and going through a hard time?
I suppose no one on mumsnet can tell me if I have a named disorder and maybe it doesn’t matter - but it helps to try to put into words all these confusing thoughts. So thank you.

Hi OP.
I just wanted to say that BPD is basically the diagnosis you get if you self harm (that is, you don’t have to self harm to get it — you may get it for other reasons too — but if you self harm, that’s the diagnosis you’ll get). It definitely doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. And definitely definitely doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother!
I’m not an expert (though did used to self harm, was diagnosed with BPD in my 20s, and have since gone on to marry and have children etc) but my feeling is that mental health is rarely linear. I’m in my 40s, and now on anti depressants again (came off them in my thirties) and while I don’t think of it as a relapse, I know I need medication at the moment.
Not really sure what my point is, other than any diagnosis you get is just that — a diagnosis. It doesn’t change who you are. It’s just a label they give you. But I think it’s really good you’ve asked for help (not on here, I don’t mean! But from medical professionals!) and are hopefully getting it. You sound much, much more sorted (from what you’ve written) than you were in your youth, so please don’t lose sight of that just because you’re having a rough time at the moment.

DS 20 has been diagnosed with BPD and is awaiting specialist therapy. Your post has given me so much hope and optimism. Now I can see the possibility that he might be able to live a life like yours- which many take for granted- a 'normal' life with family and work but one that seems so out of reach for him at the moment. And you have weathered so many difficulties.
Please take any help offered. No it doesn't "matter" if they think you may have/ had BPD. If you do, then the diagnosis would just be the way of routing you to the most effective therapy. It may be something else- anxiety or perimenopuse emotional issues.
I think you're amazing and I wish you all the best.

Yes I am much more sorted. I was so angry all the time then. And when I recognised that I was getting angry again it frightened me. But I am calmer now. I am calmer when I’m not at work but that makes me sad because I love my job a lot of the time.

Just to say if you are perimenopausal that can drive anxiety through the roof. I am not saying you don’t need medication but hrt may also help.

@Ventimiglia i hope your son starts to find a path forward. I made some good friends whilst on the day unit (I don’t know if these services exist anymore) we were all at a very low point in life and there were people from all walks of life and some very wise people who had such a hard time but were able to offer friendship and support to each other. I am still in touch with 3 of these people even after all these years and all the changes in our lives.
I never talk about this part of my life. It is actually cathartic to get it all down here.

Even the experts get it wrong a fair amount so there's no way MNers are going to be able to diagnose you! And the DSM changes all the time so it's more important to talk to a professional, work out what will be most helpful and go from there.

Can you work a little on reframing the 'failure' into being a natural period of change in your life. You did so well to grow and move forward before, you can again. Relapse teaches so many things. Sometimes it's lonely and crappy to have to learn them but it is worth it.

Thanks @MrsTerryPratchett that is a good idea to try to see it in a different way. I think I am just very ‘tired’ of having to work so hard all the time. But I suppose everyone must feel that way at some point.

@MrsTerryPratchett that's a very good way of looking at it. DC is the way they are for many reasons and their father's abusive behaviour is absolutely part of that, but they are a whole person with many facets and they are still growing and developing. Change is inevitable, it's all about approaching it with an open mind.

I think I am just very ‘tired’ of having to work so hard all the time.

Me and DD were talking last night about how we'd love to try being in a NT brain for a while. Having no executive functioning is exhausting. So I do understand. Just giving up and letting the chaos win would be worse though!

All the very best.

I'd talk about what you went through back then and what you're going through now, but I wouldn't specifically focus on if you have a personality disorder, it's important the psychiatrist forms their own opinion on this. I think one important thing to remember is that a diagnosis doesn't change who you are, it can help you to understand yourself better, but you're still the same person you were pre diagnosis.

You don't sound like a bad mum, you sound very self aware. Everything else aside if you have a supportive involved husband he would have noticed if anything you're doing was harming your DC, I really don't think you need to worry about that.

My DC are all ND, DD has severe anxiety like I do as well as being Autistic, I think I probably have ADD. All these things that make you actively address your mental health can be good for your DC. They can make you a more self aware person, they can allow you to support your DC better when they have their own struggles. If I could chose neither of us would have anxiety, but at least what I've been through has meant my DC got the support they needed at a much younger age and will have better outcomes for it.

I don't know if everyone does, but I think this often. Three ND DC, DD and me anxiety, multiple weekly therapy appointments for DC, my chronic health issues, I was a young career, my mum was a narcissist, emotionally abusive husband, nothing has ever been easy and there's always at least one child needing a lot of support. It's exhausting having to always be on.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons You have so much in your plate and your children are lucky to have such a thoughtful mum on their side. I wish your family all the best.

You are right that I am still the same person that I have always been regardless of any diagnosis a psychiatrist might have given me in the past or future. And I suppose that is what I keep on chewing over in my mind. And I suppose I need to think of what @Ventimiglia pointed out - that a diagnosis is a way of accessing the appropriate support rather than a judgement on your worth.
I think as @StridTheKiller pointed out there is a lot of stigma surrounding BPD and it scared me. I actually work in healthcare and I have seen people with BPD treated callously and it frightens me the lack of understanding.