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Confused elderly neighbour. What do I do?

31 replies

TheEmperorIsNaked · 19/11/2022 05:32

She lives in the flat above me, and up until the summer I barely heard a sound from her and her husband. Then one night, at 2am, she rang my intercom to be let in. That was odd enough because she had her keys in her hand! But she also didn’t have her teeth in and could barely walk. She didn’t appear to recognise me and didn’t apologise for waking me up. Totally out of character.

Since then she’s had a couple of driving incidences and has had to give up her licence. Then, a couple of weeks ago she threw her husband out. She used to be pottering around in the garden by 7am every day but now I can hear her moving around all night! I rarely see her during the day anymore.

Tonight she has rang the intercom twice; first at 2.30 and then at 4:30. The first time she said her niece was outside waiting for her but there was nobody there! I watched her go upstairs and was listening out for her to shut the door, which she never did. I could hear her talking but I was sure she was alone so I went to check on her. Her door was wide open so I called out to her and she thought I was her husband! She wasn’t at all bothered about the door but I said goodnight and made sure it was shut when I left, obviously.

When she buzzed at 4:30 she told me she’d just popped to the shops Confused I told her I was very worried about her and she really mustn’t go wandering off at night. She told me that she never goes out at night and then said it’s been dark all day. She clearly has no idea what’s day and night anymore!

I’m not complaining about any of this. She’s been a good neighbour to me and I’m really sad about what’s happening to her. I know social services are already involved but I don’t know how to contact them. I really don’t think she can be left on her own all night if she keeps wandering off outside.

I’d be grateful for any advice. Thanks.

OP posts:
Shemovesshemoves21 · 19/11/2022 05:40

If you phone social services they will be able to find her on their system so you can speak to her social worker or a duty worker. It depends how involved you want to be in asking what support is available for her and what they're doing to help etc but at the very least, they should make a record of your concerns on her file and that may trigger more support for her.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 19/11/2022 05:43

Sorry just saw you said you didn't know how to contact SS - it should be listed on your local councils website. I'd also be tempted to phone the police if she's wondering around confused at 2.30am. They would also work with SS if you told them they're involved.

UseOfWeapons · 19/11/2022 06:06

All good advice. I’d find the phone number of social services duty desk or the emergency care team ( different areas call them different things) and ring them to make your concerns known and documented. She does sound like she needs some help and support.

Peteryougit · 19/11/2022 06:10

This was my dad around a year ago.

Dementia was setting in, he could no longer tell
tje difference between day and night and so thought at 2:30am he was popping to the shops mid afternoon.

Police and SS couldn’t have given less of a shit when his neighbours called and we were begging for help (we were 3 hours away). Ended up in crisis situation and now he’s in a care home.

Peteryougit · 19/11/2022 06:14

Sorry posted too soon. But yeah, call adult social care if she’s already know , but don’t expect anything.

Poor woman.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 19/11/2022 06:14

Urgent Safeguarding referral usually through SS. She sounds very vulnerable - does she have any family you can contact?

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 19/11/2022 06:16

Or even her GP of the confusion is new or deteriorating. I wonder where the husband is in all of this? If she through him out and he knew she was confused then surely he would have sought urgent help?

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 19/11/2022 06:36

You are a good neighbor to care. A few years ago I noticed an elderly man a few houses down from me was getting vulnerable, didn't know him well but enough to know he had nobody. I called the local council and said I was worried about him, ie raised an 'adult safeguarding' concern. He got good help very soon after that. I can't remember 100% but I think I called his GP surgery first and they advised what to do. Felt a bit awkward/like I was undermining his integrity at first but the authorities were great and said I did the right thing. He was happy to accept cleaning help, meals on wheels and they also drove him to and from doctors appointments.

PermanentTemporary · 19/11/2022 06:40

Do you know where her husband went? Are there any other family contacts?

I would also call social services duty desk.

userxx · 19/11/2022 06:45

My grandad was like this with his dementia, he couldn't recognise day or night. He went out for a walk one night and ended up wondering around someone's garden and looking through the window at their Christmas lights.

Talapia · 19/11/2022 06:52

You sound so kind, this must be very unsettling for you. Google your local social services, unfortunately, you may have to make quite a few calls to get action taken.

Also call your GP, incase they are registered there. Obviously, they can't discuss your neighbour, but you can voice your concerns.

Your poor neighbour. It's very sad.

itsalldowntome · 19/11/2022 06:53

Just keep calling social services every time something like this happens, it will build up a log of the incidents. Poor lady, so lucky you are looking out for her.

Sindonym · 19/11/2022 06:56

Call the local adult safeguarding team. If you Google your local authority name with adult safeguarding you should find the number.

Hotcuppatea · 19/11/2022 06:57

Have you asked her if she has any family? Sons, daughters, siblings? If so, ask for their number and give them a call to let time know what's going on. You can also call the police if you see her wandering off outside at night and you're worried for her safety.

pilates · 19/11/2022 07:00

Where is the husband?

Yes, phone SS

Moomoo75 · 19/11/2022 07:16

Hi just listened to a case v similar to this on the radio. A neighbour worried about an elderly person. A person that had been through this already phoned in and said that If SS's are unhelpful then call the Ombudsman. In their case they fixed everything and the old person was helped and put into care. Good luck. So sad.

Wrongsideofpennines · 19/11/2022 07:16

Call your local social care team and voice your concerns. Do this every time something concerning happens until you know there is something being done.

Where is her husband when this happens? Is he concerned? Could you get a number for the niece? If there is one? Or another family member and contact them to see what input she is having. The GP might not be so much use and depending where you are you'd have to do a trawl of surgeries to find the one she's registered at.

Igotjelly · 19/11/2022 07:19

Might be worth getting her to speak to her GP. My gran had an episode like this and it turned out to be the result of a serious UTI.

gogohmm · 19/11/2022 07:19

There's an out of hours number for social services, you'll find it on the council website. Unfortunately there's a possibility it's dementia but could also be delirium from an infection if it's sudden. Poor lady, but you are a good neighbour!

Tiani4 · 19/11/2022 07:26

It's not safeguarding but it is an urgent referral to her GP (who may then refer to older persons community mental health/ memory team) and also to social care for reassessment.

As she's become disorientated between day and night and us wandering out at night in early hours.

You don't have permission to share so duty worker at social care or GP can't discuss with you back but they can listen to you and record your evidence. Best way to give them that evidence is written down in email bug you nah have to ring to get email address.

Ideally you contact her family , find out who her GP surgery are - then talk to member of her family so that they refer etc, but also send her GP surgery and local social care an email (Cc to family member) of facts about this - summarising concerns you observed about her memory and change in behaviour , she seems very muddled and that she is going out walking confused at night. Leave your name address and contact details on email.

Make sure you have full name and address for her

Re Doris Smith at flat 6 Daisy towers, Dagenham, postcode, tel number. Age approx 86. (D.O.B if you have it)
GP surgery -
Family-

Eg bullet points might read-

-Since Sept 2022, 6+ weeks Doris can be heard up all night moving in her flat (from my flat below)- this is unusual , a change.

-1st week Oct 2022- 4.30am Doris used intercom buzzer to neighbour (me)- was outside building front door , lost keys (jn her hand) , she said she'd gone shopping (no shopping), cold out, no coat, wearing slippers, confused.

2 Nov 2022- 2am - buzzed neighbour ,me), outside front of building, confused, said she'd lost keys (In her hand).

carefulcalculator · 19/11/2022 07:29

Also phone the police if she does anything dangerous. It shouldn't be the police's job, but once they get involved they put pressure on social services.

Fucking Tory cuts Angry

Tiani4 · 19/11/2022 07:29

GP will want to know first, as she could be acutely unwell (eg uti,, imbalance jn bloods, delirium from recent covid or chest infection )

It's always sensible to write out list of what happened and when so that there is chronology - GP and Social care can act on that

Peteryougit · 19/11/2022 08:04

I think a lot of people don’t realise how hard it is to get any help from GPs and social services even when as a family member, you beg until you are blue in the face and frustrated to hell.

It’s very hard to get anyone to listen or help in anyway sometimes. I was repeatedly told my dad was fine and told I was being ridiculous by his GP, even when my father was sat in his surgery insisting that we were on a spaceship and that the receptionists were martians.

allboysherebutme · 19/11/2022 08:17

Adult social services need to be informed. X

Tiani4 · 19/11/2022 08:34

Peteryougit · 19/11/2022 08:04

I think a lot of people don’t realise how hard it is to get any help from GPs and social services even when as a family member, you beg until you are blue in the face and frustrated to hell.

It’s very hard to get anyone to listen or help in anyway sometimes. I was repeatedly told my dad was fine and told I was being ridiculous by his GP, even when my father was sat in his surgery insisting that we were on a spaceship and that the receptionists were martians.

That's why a clearly documented letter of incidents helps. Rather than multiple calls that may miss part of pattern.

The social care help and GP help isn't for OP it's for the client (her neighbour. ) social care have legisjj Kk action to follow. It can get a slow process based on evidence and capacity decisions under MCA 2005 are about least restrictive interventions and care act 2014 is underlay by strengths based practice and human rights.

It's sad to hear your relative was so unwell and GP did not recognise that- mental health diagnoses falls very much under health with GPs being gatekeeper to referrals to the local community mental health teams. Hopefully you did get support in the end. It can take a while to get a diagnosis