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Original poster

Dealing with in-laws abroad on holiday

18 replies

Asi1 · 18/11/2022 18:11

Hi,

Looking for some advice please

I am going on holiday to visit my in-laws in Pakistan, this has created a massive amount of anxiety for me.

My MIL is overbearing, she offers " advice" without being asked and there have been things in the past which she has done which l am still struggling to come to terms with.

I am taking my daughter, the first grandchild of the family.

It has taken me almost 2yrs to come out the other side of severe PND - which partly exacerbated by MIL constant pushing for me to breastfeed in the beginning, and constant questioning of everything l do for my daughter.

I'm asking for advice as this is the first time l have been abroad without my Mum post marriage. I'm honestly becoming more stressed and anxious as it gets closer.

All advice welcome please.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/11/2022 18:14

Where are you staying? Will it be with her?
I'd strongly advise you to book a hotel if you can so you can retreat to a "safe space". However, I know this could be frowned upon but at the end of the day, it's your life and you are in control of it.
That's what I'd be doing if I was going to go at all

BobbyBobbyBobby · 18/11/2022 18:33

I would be concerned that they would want to keep your daughter in their country and raise her as per their culture.

Iwonder08 · 18/11/2022 18:43

Depends entirely on Your DH. Is he on your side? Will he be able and willing to tell your MIL off when she overstepped the mark? If you don't feel supported by your DH just don't go

PottyDottyDotPot · 18/11/2022 18:45

View it not as a holiday but as a family visit, this may help.

Bollocks2that · 18/11/2022 18:48

Iwonder08 · 18/11/2022 18:43

Depends entirely on Your DH. Is he on your side? Will he be able and willing to tell your MIL off when she overstepped the mark? If you don't feel supported by your DH just don't go

^This

Santagiveyoursackawash · 18/11/2022 19:01

Will your dh be there? Agree he stays with you and dd all the time. Thank her for any advice without committing to taking it. Dh needs to step in whenever you give him A Hard Stare...

IwishIwasSupermum · 18/11/2022 19:04

BobbyBobbyBobby · 18/11/2022 18:33

I would be concerned that they would want to keep your daughter in their country and raise her as per their culture.

^^This - do not hand over your daughters or yours passport - stay in a hotel and put it in the safe.

FinallyHere · 18/11/2022 19:06

My dear friend married into a Pakistani family. Her MiL provided a steady stream of complaints about DF's approach to .. well, everything including not waiting on her DH hand and foot while she was pregnant.

Sigh

Didn't stop until years later when DiL (my DFriend) pointed out that they were the only pair from all her son's marriages to have lasted. All the DiL who had complied and did the waiting on hand and foot's marriages had fail.

MiL stopped say thing these hurtful things out loud. Didn't stop her sighing and looking pained.

Tant pis

AriettyHomily · 18/11/2022 19:09

Are you from a Pakistani background?

Peteryougit · 18/11/2022 19:10

What is your dh like?

Is he in your corner or subservient to his mother?

cleanfreak12345 · 18/11/2022 19:11

You can back out. You don't have to go, don't put yourself in an uncomfortable situation

Look after Number One

Jjones8 · 18/11/2022 19:43

I agree with others to not stay with them.
Having the first grandchild is going to be a huge transition. You are going to have to learn to be more assertive. It might not be pretty, but you are the mum, you decide what works for you and your baby - and does not work. Be clear about your boundaries, get your husband onside and be strong, you can do this. Don’t let them walk all over you.

BritishDesiGirl · 18/11/2022 19:48

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/11/2022 18:14

Where are you staying? Will it be with her?
I'd strongly advise you to book a hotel if you can so you can retreat to a "safe space". However, I know this could be frowned upon but at the end of the day, it's your life and you are in control of it.
That's what I'd be doing if I was going to go at all

Unfortunately this is not an option. It is frowned upon. I do have an uncle who loves close by that l can always go to.

BritishDesiGirl · 18/11/2022 19:49

BobbyBobbyBobby · 18/11/2022 18:33

I would be concerned that they would want to keep your daughter in their country and raise her as per their culture.

Oh, no. They definitely don't want to keep my daughter over there. They are the type of people like things which benefit them. For example having a son in the U.K who can provide for them if need be.

BritishDesiGirl · 18/11/2022 19:50

AriettyHomily · 18/11/2022 19:09

Are you from a Pakistani background?

Yes, British Pakistani

BritishDesiGirl · 18/11/2022 19:51

Peteryougit · 18/11/2022 19:10

What is your dh like?

Is he in your corner or subservient to his mother?

My husband is supportive buy l don't look know if he would quell under his mother

BritishDesiGirl · 18/11/2022 20:08

I mean l don't know if he would be strong when he is over there in the presence of his mum.

MindfulBear · 19/11/2022 13:17

Stay in a hotel. & take your mum with you.....
This does not sound like a healthy relationship nor something you have to do.

MiLs can be lovely but they can also be truly awful. Mine was both and I've never forgiven her for ruining the first few months of both of my children's lives. She said some awful things and, to make it worse, committed her thoughts to email. I still have those emails as a reminder of why I don't want her living with us nor do I want to spend more time than I need to in her house.

We tried again recently. To spend a couple of weeks in her space. My oldest was nearly 10 - so a decade after she showed her true colours.

I won't be doing it again.

Nor will I allow my kids to do so for more than a weekend.

I don't need to and that's ok.

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