Work- male senior's 'sense of humour'

[Monsteraobliqua]

Hi all.

I would ideally like some support in keeping my gob shut at work.

Some details fudged as this could be outing but the principles are the same.

I am retraining in quite a tough career to get into and have a part time, entry level position working with those who do what I hope will be my eventual job (not necessarily the same dept). There is a chance I will come across them as part of my training or early career. I'm actually in the same broader organisation I will be in when I qualify (public sector).

Most of the team are great and I love the work. Exception is the most senior male member of staff, who is the only other male in our dept except a trainee and a couple of temps I see occasionally.

His 'sense of humour' is really winding me up. He likes to throw his weight around and say things to junior staff such as me 'in jest' that would amount to bullying if serious. Things such as 'are you going to cry', criticism in front of clients for things I have not done, and barking orders. Im not going into loads of detail but it is constant.

Most other staff, including my manager, moan a lot about him andcare sometimes upset, but it is tolerated as 'his sense of humour' because he is very experienced. Me, I was quite senior before I left to retrain (not as senior as him), in another industry, and am appalled at his behaviour, mostly because he does not treat counterparts, men, or seniors this way. It genuinely affects morale. His ways of working seem designed to put pressure on juniors and cause a fuss, simply because he is 'the great I Am'. He can wind it back and be quite charming when he thinks he's gone too far so i think it is deliberate. I think he just likes being able to affect people's morale and mood.

I have a thick skin, i don't go home and cry, it is the principle I am bothered about.

I mentioned it to my manager and she said she would be more than happy to escalate it if I put something in writing but this was only after one or two incidents and I wasn't prepared to rock the boat so early. She implied that she's well aware of his behaviour but can't act without a formal complaint.

I'm just not sure what to do. I've tried smiling and nodding, asking seriously what he wants doing, responding to his jokes which he likes to a point, but I don't want 'banter' in front of clients when he's always the one making the jokes at others' expense. It's tedious and unprofessional. I've also seen that he likes making the jokes but not taking them so I have pulled back, in case I go too far in his opinion and he creates a problem.

He's been in the job a long time and to be fair, is very competent. He just behaves like a bully boy to juniors, who don't want to risk their jobs.

I think the right course of action on balance given my future is to keep quiet, but this is not my strong point when I see this sort of behaviour. I don't like to ignore this sort of high handed nonsense, but I won't 'win' and could affect my future career, potentially. If he was gunning for me and i made a mistake, then I got a disciplinary or the sack then it would be for the same larger employer as when I qualify and it could be a serious issue.

I'm honestly not going into more specific detail, but does anyone have any strategies for zoning it out or managing this when he is putting me or others down?

The temptation is to ask him what male seniors or contemporaries have said in the past to his jokes but I feel this would be unwise.

I hate being in the position of not wanting to cross some tosspot but here I am.

Like others have said a poker face, and a 'anything else you would like to contribute to the discussion or shall we move on?' type of response. Smile and wave and make a note of everything.

Just don't give him anything which he could fling back at you.

Can't stand these insufferable males who always manage to make it to the top.

You could stealth record him.

If this a some health care role, he's not as non replaceable as people seem to think he is.
100s would easily take his place.

I worked with a senior inappropriate man like this and I would completely not understand their jokes and would say 'but what do you mean'? 'But I don't get it', 'do you mean this'- say something neutral but similar that completely misses the point. It was awkward but kind of funny as my colleagues know I'm not stupid but with him and his jokes I was blank and confused and he felt awkward repeating himself. He stopped addressing any remarks or jokes at me after one or two awkward conversations like this where all our colleagues had silently watched him trying to get out of the conversation with me. I was very junior but not understanding a crappy joke isn't going to get you in trouble and he's not going to want to keep doing that dance.

Even though you can cope with this behaviour, can others? I think you should complain.

I find that people like that don't expect you to hold your own if they see you as more junior. I do think it's hard I left a job I was very experienced in and then went to a similar but slightly different field and really struggled with the manager there because she very clearly saw me as shiny new and in need of watching and didn't value any of the experience I could bring to the role. I left for a better post as soon as one came up but I did struggle with the dilemma of whether to stand up for myself or just keep my head down and try to get as much experience as I could. Like you I'm very honest and anything that seems unjust or unfair really gets to me and I have a hard time keeping my face from letting it be known. I think a lot depends on your job performance. If you know your work is solid, you work well within the team and aren't on probation then I think it's ok to push back a little without being disrespectful. I also tend to find dealing with people with a bad attitude is better done directly. If my previous manager called me out in front of clients I went back to her directly one to one and asked that she come to me in private or ask for a private word so as to protect the professional relationship with the client. Similarly with any snide remarks called them out directly and professionally and to be honest they shit themselves a little. Doesn't sound like this guy will do that but as long as you're fair, polite and acting in the best interests of the company then I can't see how it could come back to you. But he'll know not to see you as an easy target.

I've wondered about this, just putting it to him politely that he comes across a certain way but think it would be raising my head above the parapet. I think he might either enjoy knowing he had got to somebody without management involvement, and make his digs and criticisms more subtle, or just place my work under more scrutiny.

He may accept it graciously but I doubt it tbh. He doesn't really do 'normal conversation' with juniors. Everything has to end with him having the last word or making a dig.

Not shutting down people's suggestions, btw, I appreciate all ideas. It's just hard to see what wouldn't make trouble for me.

I think this is a good suggestion- you're not challenging openly but putting the discomfort on him, not you.

"Are you going to cry?"
"No, what makes you think that?"
"You look like you were going to."
"Why? Did it look like I hurt myself when I sat down?"
"No." etc.

I like this!

Thanks, I like this idea too. Not really responding with anything contentious but acknowledging that he has said something out of turn with a simple comment.