not sure how to proceed with friendship

[forgotmyusername1]

I have a friend who has always come with a bit of drama but I have tried to stay friends and support her but not sure I can do it any longer

met her 8 years ago through a baby group. Our kids got on and we got on ok but I am a (without sounding snobby) a bit different - hubby, house, stable and well paid job wheras she is a single mum on benefits. This didn't matter as I have never cared about that but her behaviour is just getting weirder and weirder

she was adopted and lived with her adoptive parents who are perfectly nice

had two children with a man and then decided he was abusive - I supported her through all that and she got the non molestation order and all ok. I had no reason to doubt her

she then met and got engaged to another man and had a third child. when they broke up she decided he was also abusive and went down the same route. Having known this partner I had my doubts but she had some outbursts of his on video so gave her the benefit of the doubt and was supportive of her without egging her on. Her ex was teacher and she accused him of raping one of her children from her first relationship so he lost his job and it was just a mess

she then met another bloke and very quickly fell for him. She then went missing and it turned out she had been involved in county lines and was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Her children were removed from her care. He beat her up and is now in prison apparently (but who knows) The two older ones went to their dad who seems like he is doing a great job despite being out of his childrens lives for 5 years and the younger one is being fostered but dad is now getting supervised contact - he has never met his daughter. When social services told her he was getting contact she claimed he wasn't the dad - she couldn't have made her look more like her dad if she had a cloning device.

she has now supposedly gone through and out the other side of rehab and moved in with her biological mum 200 miles away. I have now found out she has decided she is a lesbian and has had an affair and become engaged to her mums partner of 8 years so destroying that family unit as well. She has only been in her mums life for 3 months and has stolen her partner of 10 years.

I have always tried to be a listening stable ear for her but I am going to have to walk away from this - I think she is just a complete fanasist and is destroying peoples lives all over the place yet posting meme's about people stabbing her in the back, how she is a survivor and all this stuff. The kids were removed from her care due to neglect and drug dealers living in her house but apparently that wasn't her fault either. I hadn't seen her for 6 months prior to this as she had missed the meetups we had planned (i know why now) but had spoken to her on messenger and over the phone

I am someone who tries to see the good in others and help where I can but I think I need to walk away. AIBU? We haven't fallen out but I just don't think I can watch her car crash of a life any more.

All the stuff about her is a bit superfluous really. The important thing is you - your feelings, your time and energy limits, your boundaries.

If you decide your feelings are telling you that you’re giving too much or not getting any joy from the relationship (to an extent that feels very unbalanced - relationships aren’t all joy!) then it’s totally okay to decide you need to limit contact or walk away.

Try to do it kindly but communicate clearly if you can.

All of this (3 long abusive relationships, a new lesbian relationship, various court orders, the birth of several children, the descent into addiction, the long process of rehab)…. All of this in just 8 years??

so she has accused two men of being abusive and prevented them from seeing their children including accusing one of child rape so meaning he is now unemployable as a teacher despite nothing being proven - dad 1 now has the children and dad 2 is seeing his daughter and she is not allowed to see the children due to neglect. My belief now is that the children were being used as a weapon as she didn't want them to have access. She told dad one that dad two had raped his son, had been arrested and found guilty and urged him to 'get him' - this was a lie as while he was spoken to they found no evidence of any abuse and he wasn't charged nor arrested let alone found guilty of anything however the rumour had got out to the school as she put the bloomin thing on tick tock and some of his students saw it. I told her to take it down which she did but the damage was done.

she was involved in drugs and had drugs being dealt from her house while her children were there

she has stolen her mums partner and is now engaged to her

Are you saying I should be supportive of the above behaviour because of trauma?

This is a lady in her mid 30's who was adopted as a baby and brought up in a middle class family.

I have always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but I now think she is unhinged and most of what she says is a lie. I just can't trust anything she tells me any more.

I have recently moved in with another friend of mine for a week to help her while going through alcohol withdrawal treatment as otherwise she couldn't take part in the programme. I therefore do try to help people where I can (she is now nearly 3 weeks sober and doing really well) but I think I need to walk away from this one. It is a shame as we got on well and her kids and my kids were friends but her now being 200 miles away gives us enough space for me to quietly withdraw.

yes

I met her when she was with dad one and was pregnant with baby two (Was engaged) - he is now 6 so this has all happened in his life time

They split and went through the court stuff and then met dad two and also got engaged

They split when she was pregnant and she went through all the court stuff again but also did a tick tock accusing him of raping her older son

Met another guy and they were engaged within 2 months and then had all the county lines stuff and she became drug addict rather quickly

She went missing with the partner and the children (as the drug dealers beat them up) and when found the children were removed and put into care of dad/ foster care with access

She went into rehab 200 miles away near her biological mum who she has just met

Came out of that and moved in with her mum and her partner

Has now announced she is engaged to her mums partner despite only moving up north 3 months ago

It sounds incredible when written down but this is the time line.

Psycho. Keep well away if you can, but be careful in case she tries to destroy your life for ghosting her.

Sounds like she should be locked up tbh.

should add I knew nothing about the drugs or even that partner until she went missing - she had hidden that from me

Yanbu. Has she actually brought anything positive to your life apart from a little playmate for your DD years ago?

I don't know why you are even asking. Feel lucky that she is physically so far away from you now. Just stop listening.

I feel bad is the honest reason

I liked the person she presented until the bit where she went missing which was only in aug of this year (just checked my messages from that time so the rehab onwards was only 3 months ago - so she has been through rehab and got engaged to her mums partner within 3 months) - I had last seen her in around april but we used to meet pretty regularly - she met the druggy bloke in the may and it was may - august when all the county lines stuff happened and I didn't see her in that period as she cancelled on me a couple of times.

it is after speaking to people that different versions of some of the tales I have been told have come out which makes me now think she is possibly lied about a lot of stuff especially around her ex partners. She was always a victim, nothing was ever her fault but I now think she was playing games. I think she is probably a pathological liar. I only recently found out what she told dad 1 about dad 2 to try to get him beaten up - fortunately dad 1 didn't believe her so didn't do anything. I guess he was wise to her.

I thought she was a nice person who was having a hard time but I should have listened to my doubts more which crept in once she started accusing dad two of raping her son but I always thought - you never know what goes on behind closed doors. I have been a mug.

Plenty of people have trauma as young children but then take responsibility as adults and don’t falsely accuse men and have multiple children who they neglect, take drugs, have affairs blah blah blah.

She is self centred and will never accept that she is responsible for her actions and her own destiny and will continue to screw up the lives of those around her whilst claiming none of it is her fault.

You appear to be lucky that she hadn’t involved you, tapped you for money or turned on you.

I would try and distance yourself from her without her thinking she has to carry a grudge against you.

I did lend her £150 as she was waiting for her universal credit payment to come through and couldn't feed the children. I have written it off and refused her any more when she asked again. I imagine this went on drugs but I didn't know at the time she was on drugs. Fortunately I can afford to write it off.

If you don't want to be friends with someone OP, then don't.

Whether it's true or not isn't for strangers on the internet to debate really. I don't feel overly comfortable having someone's personal life detailed on mumsnet just so you can look for people to agree with you that she sounds like a lunatic and agree you are the better person who needs to move on. Perhaps if any of it is untrue she is unwell and has had a difficult life - it's not for you or us to 'decide' that her upbringing was perfectly acceptable so she has no regress to have struggled. As I understand it being removed from ones family and going through an adoption process is a very difficult thing to process as an adult, regardless of how nice the home you are placed in is.

Equally women who find themselves in abusive relationships very often find themselves in another. Multiple bad things happening to a person in their life if true is very sad, and isn't necessarily evidence that in and of itself that it's made up. Regardless of specifics, things sound as though they are incredibly unstable for her and that she seems to have struggled throughout her life to maintain stability, which is very very sad.

I find the way you phrase that she has 'decided' she is now a lesbian pretty patronising and completely lacking in empathy or understanding of how any of these things actually work. Ditto her 'deciding' her partner is now abusive. Quite possible he always was but like many many women, she was not able to realise that or take action.

I'd just delete the post about this woman's personal life (true or not, makes no difference) and get on with your own, you don't need permission to stop speaking to someone.

You are right - writing it down has got it clear in my head what I need to do - I only found out about the step mum engagement this morning

how do I remove the thread?

This is a very unkind thread to start, OP. You don't like her, she's moved away, there's nothing more to say or do, is there? Picking her apart online isn't making you look good, anyway.

Wow. You must really hate this woman!

Good post, @dontgobaconmyheart .

What sort of advice are you looking for?

Or are you looking for permission from a bunch of internet randos about ditching the friendship?

Why do you need our permission?

Just fade the friendship out. It’s your life, you make your own decisions. You don’t need to be told this.

I’d be weary of the drama too, it’d probably be a no from me if I was in your shoes. I don’t think I could stomach what she just did to her Mother, on top of everything.

You've believed her up until recently and now the scales have fallen from your eyes you're probably wondering how the hell you got taken in. She sounds a very troubled person. I'd distance myself from her. Friendship needs some common ground, mutual respect and trust. You can't trust her and in your shoes I'd just distance myself and let things fizzle out.

I would take a big step back.
Friendships are built on trust and if you don't believe this woman's version of events, there's not much basis there for a close friendship.