Is this life now or am i missing something?

[Pineapplestropical]

14 years of marriage. 4 kids, 11, 9, 8 and 2. Good job but part-time and a lot of lone working. Good hubby but no sex life (2 year old still in our bed). Love the kids but can't say i enjoy parenting. Read to them, work with them and play with them but don't really enjoy it (except with 2 year old). See a close friend once a month. Hardly Chat to anyone else except about class stuff at school with the mums. No social life as such. See family every 6 weeks. Just feel down all the time, not happy, but is this just family life (kids first, everything else later)? Anyone else feel similar? How can i lift my mood and start enjoying life again? (used to read books, exercise and socialise a lot more before kids).

Sounds like you need something for yourself, something to be passionate about.

What’s stopping you reading or having sex not in your bed?

4 children is a lot and comes with inevitable consequences on the rest of your life but you can still reclaim things that make you happy within that.

How do you split weekends and evenings? Could you carve out some time for a new hobby or an hour reading here and there? Have sex on the sofa.

I have four DC myself and don't work and still find it stressful. Have two with additional needs and recently my GP has prescribed antidepressants.

It's tough just trying to find time for yourself. Make time for yourself each day, even if it's just ten minutes.

You sound a bit lonely, and maybe as if you spend too much time at home because of the remote working as well as having a young family. Personally I'd prioritize getting the toddler into their own bed for a bit of personal space, recharging things with DH, and increasing time spent in adult company. Could you carve out an evening a week or every fortnight to meet friends or do a sociable hobby you enjoy? Get a babysitter once a month for an evening out with DH?

No. Your four older kids can go out on playdates, when two year old naps...have sex elsewhere in the house! It sounds like you're unfulfilled but of course you are, there's nothing in your life just for your own pleasure or interest.

Ooh, it's so easy, OP. Just organise three separate play dates which coincide with the baby napping, so you can have an uncomfortable shag on the sofa.

There are in fact no easy answers to this. You're presumably working either because you want to, or because you need to - in which case, given that the children are not really negotiable, you have to accept that this is a really difficult phase of your life, and trust that it will become easier as the children get older. It's a hard slog meanwhile, though.

I feel you may have accidentally borrowed some of my life, @Pineapplestropical I'm just so utterly bloody shattered all the time, and DP has no concept of it. Our DTs are 7.5 now and I've had no life since they were born... granted DP works hard at work, but he does nothing at home and then wonders why I'm tired and snappy. The DC are hard work (constant squabbling!!), I have zero social life apart from meeting a friend for a coffee maybe once a month whilst the DC are at their sports club, and if I do try to make a little bit of time for myself then I get moaned at I was going running once a week for 20 minutes, but this apparently was a bit selfish!

I work part time so it's literally every minute that the DC are at school, there's no actual time for myself. I'm feeling a bit teary writing this as I just want some of the pre-DC me back... I used to see friends, go to the gym, have a coffee and a break whenever I wanted it! DP has been on holiday without us, goes out when he wants to, has had many a boozy night out etc and I never have. I just don't know how to get back some zest for life and enjoy my time with the DC?!

You've got 4 kids and a big age gap between the youngest two so I expect your feelings are partly because you've been doing this parenting gig for quite a while now but are still dealing with the toddler stage.

Could you think about changing your work pattern or even your actual job so you have more contact with other people? You sound quite lonely.

Also work at getting your 2 year old into their own bed if that's the massive barrier to intimacy. Yes of course you could try to find other places to have sex but it's not easy in a house full of kids and tbh your bed should be your haven for you and your dh.

Still having a 2 year old now after all those years of parenting through the baby and toddler years must be difficult. Mine are now 5 and 6 and I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel eventually.

My advice is to just take whatever opportunities for yourself that come your way. Or make your own opportunities! I recently bumped into a few friends I had very nearly lost touch with due to kids/work/family life, one of them suggested a regular meet up (I suspect they were looking for the pick me up we all are looking for), we all fell over ourselves confirming our attendance, and it's given me such a lift to have a few hours a month with some old friends who know how difficult life can be

Thank you for all your replies. I definitely need something just for me I agree. I used to love swimming so it may be that i try to fit that in somewhere. Whenever I do stuff for myself i do feel guilty like the kids need me i should be at home for them. I work coz it's the only thing that's a little bit for me (i have a PhD) so it took me ages to qualify etc. I do enjoy the work but still feel unfulfilled and quite frankly bored. Definitely need to socialise more but find it hard to meet people i can relate with and then i feel like im wasting time away from my family chatting to people who i don't really get anything from intellectually or socially. I go out with the 2 year old almost every morning to toddler stuff and i enjoy that time with her but again find the chit chat with others meaningless. We don't have family near by im not sure who else to leave 4 kids with so i can go out withDH. We are like business partners: between us we get the day to day stuff done but the connection between us is waning. I don't even feel like having sex with him anymore and i don't see him trying it on with me either.

Sadly having a toddler in your bed will always make you feel less married imo. Harsh but your marriage needs nurturing just like your dc!!

'We don't have family near by im not sure who else to leave 4 kids with so i can go out withDH.'

Pay a babysitter; I'm sure there'll be local people who are happy to earn some extra. It's not like all your kids are little! The older 3 can get themselves off to bed.

And I agree with the pp that if you have a 2 year old in your bed every night then it IS going to impact on things.

Rhis rather is life but you need some fun stuff for yourself to look forward to

Can you move 2 year old
To their own bed?

Book a sitter and have a night out

Try and get a couple mum pals out to the pub regularly

I've only got one DC and they are still a toddler. I can't imagine having 4!!! No wonder you feel like this. I feel the same and I only have 1 (high needs) toddler. The way I'm looking at it is that it's all just a phase and mine won't be a toddler forever! Surely your older ones are quite independent now? Not long till your 2 year old starts school and is old enough to play a bit more independently / with the older ones then you'll feel like you've got a bit of time back perhaps? I'm waiting for things to get a little bit easier - as in, child able to dress themselves, no more nappies etc.

But I hear you. Your identity just disappears. And again, I only have 1 - so you've had this 4 x over!

We don't have any family close by either, but we employ one of the nice carers at DC nursery to babysit for us once a month so husband and I can have a date night. Would that be an option for you?

I would have the two year old out of the bed, too old to be with you now and reclaim at least some rest time, if not intimacy

Research an a trusted and kind babysitter and every Saturday afternoon and night is your night for friends/movie/husband date night and FUN! Cocktails, debate society or whatever you are passionate about

Go and get a wax and some new pants, something pretty and have SEX! It is fun, if your dh turns you down then it might be worth re evaluating the marriage as well.

You should never feel guilty for having a life. You are modelling not the best parenting to your dc, every parent needs to have fun, feel fulfilled.

I would swim twice a week, built in and not up for discussion. Maybe Sunday evening as that is pretty dead time and the Friday evening?

You need to go and get your life back.

@Pineapplestropical some good practical advice here.

And (this may sound a tad harsh but I think it's the case here): I think what you're experiencing is a lot of the reality of having a 'late baby' when you've already gone through the baby stage with your other children.

If you imagine the family with your older 3 kids, you'd have moved into a different phase completely by now... all well settled in school for several years, eldest off to secondary school soon... they'd all be pretty independent. Adding a toddler into the mix has made things much harder, specially with him still co sleeping. I'm not for a moment suggesting you shouldn't have had a 4th- I'm assuming here it was planned and you were happy with the big age gap and going back to babyhood with the others all in school. So I think you have to accept it will be tough, but that doesn't mean being a martyr; it's absolutely fine and in fact healthy for parents to carve out time for themselves and to be firm about things like sleeping in own beds.

4 kids is incredibly hard but you shouldnt sacrifice your relationship with dh, or your own sense of self worth.
Get a babysitter every 6 weeks or so and go out with dh, even if it's just for a couple of drinks or the cinema or whatever. Just be together without the kids. Get your sex life back on track - get the 2 year old in their own room.
And get a hobby that gets you out of the house once a week. I would go insane if I didnt have my pilates class!