I know on MN everyone seems to be super close with their parents / extended family but for some of us that's not the case. So this is a question for those who can relate, and who are not close to their parents and in-laws.
If you and your DH/DP aren't close to either set of parents/grandparents but you feel somewhat obligated to see them occasionally, how do you structure your Christmas so you still enjoy it and aren't seething with resentment?
Example- my mother has narcissistic qualities and I was never close to her or my Dad as they were were emotionally abusive to me and my sister. I am quite low contact with them really, however they are a very middle class stiff upper lip (stately homes thread) type family and my sister and I still see them around 3 times a year for obligation purposes. (We both have DC).
My DH is not close to his parents. His dad walked out and never contacts him and his mum is over-stifling, and emotionally blackmailing with him so he avoids seeing her. He's not particularly close to his siblings either. We will see MIL a few times a year.
At Christmas last year we chose to spend Xmas day as a family unit (us with our DC at home) as we wanted to set a precedent that Xmas Day would be just us at our home for our DC. (Previous 2 years were like that anyway due to Covid).
As a compromise we drove up to see MIL on Boxing Day (3hr drive) and stayed in a hotel that night, before driving to my parents on the 27th. (They live close to each other).
It felt like a real marathon with the driving, staying in a hotel room with small DC, and MIL was teary about us leaving in the evening even though we needed to get our 1x year old to bed, so it was tense. Going through it all the day after with my parents felt draining.
It also ruined Christmas Day for us as we knew the next day we'd have up be up really early to pack and drive, didn't want to drink very much on Xmas Day etc etc. I found the whole of Christmas Day I was dreading the visits the next day.
This year we are wondering about suggesting we see our parents later on, like around 28th , so that we can enjoy Xmas Day and boxing Day with less pressure. But I don't know if that's a good idea.
I know many will think - why bother going at all - but it's hard as there is that sense of FOG (fear obligation guilt) and duty, especially to allow DC to have some sort of relationship with their extended family, even though it will never be a close one.
Also I find it odd that we always have to go to MILs home, and she "hosts", even though her DC are all grown up. I was wondering about inviting them to us but don't know if that would make things worse. (My parents are elderly and can't drive down to us so we can only see them there).
Does anyone else go through this annual dance of working out how to see families and making it as painless as possible? I'd really like to know if anyone has found a successful way to manage it all and alleviate the stress all round? It's not as simple as just not going ever. Any advice?