Friends son and possible autism

[Dramaalpacas]

i have been friends with another mum since our boys were born. They are 4 now and have just started school. Since he was 2, I had an idea her son might have autism (tiptoe walking, hand flapping, stimming, obsession with trains, lack of eye contact). Now he is 4 it is even more obvious (toileting issues, only likes to play by himself, can talk in great detail about his obsessions but not interested in a conversation, will not listen, is always on the move, gets very overwhelmed if anything is loud etc).

I have never said anything to friend and she has never mentioned it. Now the school have expressed concerns for him and want to send him for assessment and she is absolutely knocked for six. She really didn’t see it at all and is very emotional and worried. Everything he does, she asks ‘do you think that’s a sign’ and I really don’t know what to say because ‘yes, that’s a clear sign that he has autism’ doesn’t seem helpful or kind when she’s in this state but neither do the platitudes others are giving her like ‘oh no, I’m sure he’s fine- didn’t his dad do the same thing when he was young?’.

any with experience of being in this situation I would really appreciate some advice on the best things to say to her.

It's OK we over it now but was just trying to voice this opinion to help the lady and what she should do.

@Mupett I am sorry that you and your child have had such a difficult time.

I do however think that most autistic people will be aware, to some extent, that they’re different from most of their peers, whether they’re diagnosed or not. Having a diagnosis gives them a reason for that difference, and helps to explain why they find certain things harder. I think for most people, having that knowledge is helpful.

I've been in this situation several times. I'm not sure why but I seem to have a knack for spotting neurodiversity in kids (possibly because I have one of my own!) As others have said, just support, support, support. Remind your friend that her wonderful child is still that exact same wonderful child. Stick around if things do start to get tough - I know one family with 3 ND kids and the Mum told me that ours is one of the few families that will still spend time with theirs; almost everyone else has quietly pulled away.

My friends have variously chosen to seek diagnosis and not seek diagnosis. I'm very much in favour of it but I can talk with all of them about it because we all just stay non-judgemental. I'm in Scotland so we don't have EHCPs but IME the schools here will refer the child to the Ed Psych and advise on how to access other professional support as needed.

Speaking as someone who had a late, adult ASD diagnosis and who has a child with a recent diagnosis, I really think an earlier diagnosis - and giving the child the opportunity to understand and learn about being autistic - is a brilliant thing.

This was exactly the view I got from all ND adults I spoke with when thinking about the diagnostic process for my own son. That so many of their difficulties had come from feeling like there was something wrong with them - that they were somehow broken - when in reality they were just trying to force themselves into a NT world.

Autism in our family is never spoken about as a negative thing - it's a different way of thinking and it makes some things much harder and some things much easier. My son is currently very mildly affected though and by saying this I don't mean to belittle experiences of families for whom autism makes everything harder.

Don't get me wrong yes diagnosis is good but it needs to be done early on like when they toddler etc..when u get to teenage and beyond ie some diagnosed at 50 60 etc it can be a real massive thing that's complex and realy needs professionals to step in..when a diagnosis done as a toddler or baby even then the child's world is not yet formed too much into places and friends etc and the child has time to openly evolve with that and parents can be one step ahead in a sense.

The stats on suicide rates in male and female are on Internet not difficult to find and yes shocking. No I don't have stats on the difference in rates of suicide in diagnosed as compared to non diagnosed..all I know is that my son was as happy as a clam (well roughly )but was more unhappy to point of being actually suicidal after diagnosis he confided in me he wanted to take his life but hadn't done it because I'd previously had real talk with him regarding suicide..you know as you do ie I covered stranger danger and don't do drugs all the tough stuff that I personally believe should be talked about AND am I glad I did as I find out it was THAT conversation that actually stopped him being a whisker away from putting the blade across his arm..sorry but am.gonna tell it like it is. So no I don't have stats but am.presumeing I and my son are one of many out there..don't think anyone ever done a statistic poll on it but I wouldn't be surprised if there is a lot.

I know what the stats are for suicide in autistic individuals. But where is your evidence for claiming the increased rates are due to the diagnosis in and of itself and not the person’s difficulties that result in the diagnosis (that would still be present whether they had a formal diagnosis or not)?

You are correct I do not have stats. It has just been.my experience and sadly as a carer for my son with aspbegers it has been a very isolating one and yes I do hope I am the exception I hope there are not many many many more people out there going thru it like what we did.

"It might be. The importabt thing is to get assessed so if he needs special support it can be put in place.
Here s the NAS helpline number i looked it up for you
And I looked inline and there is a parent support group locally. They meet in the library on xxxdats
Here is the info
Let me know if you would like me to come with you "

Wrong thread, sorry.

Your friend seems to have gone from denial - the behaviours you describe are quite marked - to being overwhelmed. I have a two year old grandson who will be assessed after some issues were flagged up at his recent development check. If she knows very little about autism and is fearful, I'd second contacting the NAS - and perhaps trying to get in contact with other parents who are in a similar situation.