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Parents who don’t teach their children right from wrong

31 replies

Cornishicecreamstand · 14/11/2022 17:47

Regular name changer, posting here to see if anyone would feel the same as me.

there is a mum I often say hi to at the school gates, as two of our children are friends. She’ll stand with me and a few other parents and we’ll chat most days.
Today she came along and began ranting at us about something that happened between her eldest child and another child in her class over the weekend. I won’t go into too much detail about what she said happened as she may be on here, but it was an argument that resulted in her child breaking an item of the other child’s.
She was very defensive that it’s ‘just what kids do’ and she wasn’t repairing or replacing it, and would be sending friends to the child’s house to ‘sort the parents out’ for demanding she pays. I’ve now been singled out because I said if it was me I’d repair the item as I would want to teach my child responsibility and consequences to poor actions. The mum said it’s not her problem and her child won’t be held responsible, it’s apparently the child’s fault for having said item.
I’m completely shocked that any parent would have this attitude. If it had happened in a shop they would have demanded payment or called the police. Fwiw her eldest child is out of control (her words not presumptions) and I find it sad that despite everyone having different ways of parenting that no one has a right to judge, that she would feel it’s acceptable to leave a child and their family out of pocket whilst teaching their child it’s acceptable.
So would anyone else feel like me and repair the item or would you shrug it off?

OP posts:
Cw112 · 14/11/2022 17:50

I'd repair it/replace it and the money would come out of dcs pocket money until it was paid off along with an apology from dc. But it would depend on the context of why they got angry enough to break something in purpose. Eg if the other child was known to be bullying then I wouldn't be replacing anything but there would be a stern chat at home about appropriate ways to deal with bullies.

Snoopystick · 14/11/2022 17:51

Reminds me when my daughter was in primary - she took into school a small ‘cheerleading’ trophy that we had bought her as she was always being dragged along to her older brother’s football matches. A boy in class broke it on purpose and his mum never offered to fix or replace. It would have been an easy lesson for him to help mend it - it just needed to be glued together.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/11/2022 17:57

"would be sending friends to the child’s house to ‘sort the parents out’"

I wouldn't talk to anybody who sends their friends round to intimidate others.

Interested in this thread?

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Cornishicecreamstand · 14/11/2022 17:59

The children are 12, just noticed I didn’t add that part as they’re not young children as it implied.
and yes the words have changed my opinion of her and she seems like a bully based on this alone. Unfortunately the other parents we speak to see no issue with it if it gets them out of paying!

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 14/11/2022 18:02

Gwenhwyfar · 14/11/2022 17:57

"would be sending friends to the child’s house to ‘sort the parents out’"

I wouldn't talk to anybody who sends their friends round to intimidate others.

this is actually a threat
I would give this person a very wide berth

CuteCillian · 14/11/2022 18:03

Unfortunately there will always be (a minority of) people like this. I try to believe that their DC will come to see that their parents are not particularly empathetic or pleasant and, as adults themselves, will be different in their attitude in order to thrive as part of society.

PorridgewithQuark · 14/11/2022 18:15

Did the other child have a forbidden expensive item in school with them?

As a teacher those situations are a nightmare and in all honesty are the fault of the parents who send a child to school with an extremely expensive, new, top of the range hand held console or mobile device.

Often the child waves it around in the playground or leaves it balanced on the edge of the desk and another careless but not malicious children barrels into it and breaks it, and the parents aggressively demand really large amounts of money from the other child's parents or the school, because not only have they been idiotic enough to give their child something so unsuitable, they have of course not insured it.

Usually those items ate not allowed at school, but the parents who's child took it in don't think that's their problem.

In that situation then no, I wouldn't pay or pay for an expensive repair, and teaching right from wrong isn't one sided!

On the other hand if your aquaintence's child deliberately and maliciously broke an everyday item of school equipment like a school bag, school jumper or writing equipment then yes, a responsible parent would take that out of their child's pocket money or have them do nominal extra chores to symbolically earn the money to pay for a replacement.

It's often not clear cut though, when parents are demanding other people pay for something broken while in their young or not yet capable of being responsible child's care.

The way you report your aquaintence's attitude obviously makes her sound like an idiot and a bad parent - but the other parents are often equally so.

EeeByeGummieBear · 14/11/2022 18:23

As PP have said, unfortunately there are people like this. I agree with you OP and find the response from others not unusual. Some people struggle to take responsibility for their actions, and the actions of their children.
Given her response I'd be given her a wide berth from now on.
@CuteCillian unfortunately in my experience this isn't always the case and Somme grow up to be adults that don't take any responsibility for their act

EeeByeGummieBear · 14/11/2022 18:23

*actions

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 14/11/2022 18:29

I feel sorry for the children. And those children may grow up to be like their parents. The cycle goes on.

Cornishicecreamstand · 14/11/2022 19:34

its very unfortunate when children are born into families with this attitude. I’m all for people raising their children how they see fit, but a child who gets away with damaging others’ property will continue to think it’s acceptable as an adult imo. It wasn’t a forbidden item, it was something all students need which her child broke carelessly. Of course I only know the side of the story she has told me, but from what she’s said her child was being rough. The lack of remorse is most shocking as you’d still have empathy for the parents who would have to replace the item, but not so much as an apology or regret is dreadful. I will be avoiding her.
I honestly worry for the day my dc grow up and come across children who have been raised this way!

OP posts:
healthadvice123 · 14/11/2022 20:30

@PorridgewithQuark the OP clearly said the item was broken on purpose , yet somehow you blame the victim
An accident is a little different and wether an item should if been in school or not is not the issue if a child deliberately breaks it, if I send my child to school in decent trainers it doesn't make it their fault if someone steals them
If this is the attitude teachers have its no wonder kids have no respect for other peoples things if your response would be to say well it shouldn't of been here or you should buy cheaper trainers etc
Also OP never said the item shouldn't of been in school

thecatsthecats · 14/11/2022 22:01

Well, now "on purpose" has been downgraded to "carelessly".

Unless we were to get the whole picture from the horse's mouth there's not much to go on.

Yes, there are parents that raise their kids badly. We can't really tell what's the case here though.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 14/11/2022 22:05

Wait, your Op made it sound like the child broke something on purpose, but it was an accident? Then it makes the whole different story, tbh.

Cheeseandlobster · 14/11/2022 22:10

Gwenhwyfar · 14/11/2022 17:57

"would be sending friends to the child’s house to ‘sort the parents out’"

I wouldn't talk to anybody who sends their friends round to intimidate others.

THIS and then this again I hope she is on here. She is a fucking shameless bully. Who the hell does she think she is?

OppsUpsSide · 14/11/2022 22:10

This is slightly different but, DS took money into school to buy a red poppy slap band last week, he lost it immediately but another child suddenly had one in the same colour after lunch. I thought oh well, lesson learnt to look after things. The other child gave it back to him the next day! I was amazed.

LolaSmiles · 14/11/2022 22:15

The sort of parent who thinks it's big and clever to play the big I am at the school gates about how they'll send their friends to sort out other parents will probably be teaching their children the same message.

I'd be staying away from this parent and encouraging my child to be polite to the child, whilst avoiding getting drawn into situations with them

Notforme123 · 14/11/2022 22:18

It doesn’t matter if they broke it by accident it on purpose. If you break something that belongs to someone else then you replace/pay for it. I think there’s quite a lot of bad parents who don’t teach their children respect for others or responsible behaviour if it inconveniences them in any way. I’d stay away from her in the future. She’s shown you who she is.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 14/11/2022 22:29

It doesn’t matter if they broke it by accident it on purpose.

I don't think so. It makes a big difference imo. Accidents happen. And sometimes you just have to live with it. It's nice if the parent of the child who broke it by accident replaced it, but I don't expect it, if it was pure accident.

Georgeskitchen · 14/11/2022 22:29

These are the kind of kids that will be putting lit fireworks through old lady's letterboxes and dropping rocks off motorway Bridges.
Wont the parents fault of course........

barskits · 14/11/2022 22:38

I would gradually back away from this casual friendship, and I wouldn't want my dc to be friends with any of their dc, so I'd quietly try to quell that friendship as well.

Cornishicecreamstand · 14/11/2022 22:52

I agree it doesn’t matter if it was on purpose or an accident, the principle is the same. If I accidentally broke a shop window I’d have repercussions in one way or another, no one should be out of pocket for another’s mistake. It’s hard to prove an accident too. I don’t know the full truth as I only heard it through her and not the other families version of events, but the mum has made herself clear she knows her child is in the wrong but isn’t willing to take responsibility. The moral of the post is relating to parents who don’t teach respect or consequences anymore;not the situation itself.

OP posts:
ArentYouAshamed · 15/11/2022 09:22

I've had this with one woman. She was a primary teacher and the shittest excuse for a parent you'd ever see. Her son was and is out of control and he's not even out of Primary yet. I always say that she is the type to watch her son punch a baby in a pram and firstly say the baby somehow initiated it and secondly, to congratulate her son on his good left hook. This boy has had the police called on him and he wasn't even 10. It's crazy that she presents as such a professional woman. They're not short of cash, nor from dodgy, lower class or broken backgrounds (not that it's an excuse) It didn't help that our local school is a small village one where she grew up and even taught for a few years so getting her childhood friends who are now teachers to step in and do something about her son was next to impossible.
Thankfully a new headmistress arrived and they changed schools. I don't know if the new head and the school change were linked. 🤷

DoodlePug · 15/11/2022 09:32

What I see as more common is teaching kids to lie.

" If no one can prove you did it then just say you didn't and you won't get into trouble."

I was brought up this way, never really thought about it until well into adulthood since it seems quite logical to avoid trouble. However it teaches poor behaviour and values, far better to teach kids to own their choices.

They had a similar attitude to stealing!

MichelleScarn · 15/11/2022 09:40

healthadvice123 · 14/11/2022 20:30

@PorridgewithQuark the OP clearly said the item was broken on purpose , yet somehow you blame the victim
An accident is a little different and wether an item should if been in school or not is not the issue if a child deliberately breaks it, if I send my child to school in decent trainers it doesn't make it their fault if someone steals them
If this is the attitude teachers have its no wonder kids have no respect for other peoples things if your response would be to say well it shouldn't of been here or you should buy cheaper trainers etc
Also OP never said the item shouldn't of been in school

Agree, and if anyone has the temerity to say this behaviour is out of order, await the rush of 'thats not kind/that's not fair/poor them you're so mean/other child must have asked for it. Or like the gem my friend got from her childs school.... 'well yes we accept that Billy is punching and kicking Timmy, he just needs to learn to move away from him when he's doing that'...