What would you describe as 'Feral' behaviour in children?

[TatmacSquare]

Ex described our children as feral and stands by the use of this word.
His reasons:
DS1, who has ASD, sometimes (not always) eats with his hands when he can't cope with the demand of cutlery use, sometimes has greasy hair because he struggles with regular showers, has meltdowns.

DS2, who is awaiting ASD assessment cannot cope with anyone touching his hair, it feels painful to him, ex cannot remember this despite being told repeatedly over months and months and touched DS hair repeatedly this weekend resulting in DS refusing to stay with him.

DS3, who'd been waiting all day to see ex after he'd been separately with DS2, then DS1, arrived at playground expecting a good 30mins to 1hr with dad to be told by ex he only had 5-10mins to spend, and walked off from playground angry with dad.

DS1 and DS2 both have behavioural issues related to their neurotype and struggling to cope with sensory input and unexpected changes.

Obviously I'm not happy with ex description of the children, but just wondering if I might be unreasonable. Not braving AIBU though...

I'd say that feral is children behaving wildly in inappropriate places (dashing round shrieking in a library or a restaurant is wrong, same action in the park is fine).

It's unkind to describe behaviour as feral if the DC has additional needs and is trying their best to fit in with expectations for the place

It was his decision to see them monthly - he was offered more but refused, saying he couldn't afford it. He says he'd like to see them more but wants me to pay for that, which I can't. I already pay for everything and don't ask for maintenance because he said he couldn't afford to see them if I did.

Regardless of that - I disagree that his seeing them infrequently does more harm than good. They went through a period of not seeing him and I bent over backwards to facilitate contact restarting because I could see they needed it.
If he was willing to take their issues seriously and put them first, rather than his own feelings, it would be great for the children.

I think it's ridiculous to say he can't remember that DS2 hates having his hair touched because he sees him infrequently. Ex says he forgets, so he needs to make notes, and remind himself before he sees them of what their main triggers are. I offered to write down a list for him (it won't be that long), and he was not receptive.

I have tried so so hard to find a way to communicate with ex while protecting myself from emotional harm from the direct contact. I have had various types of therapy to get to a point where I can speak to ex. I am usually so good at ignoring his rudeness and almost impossible communication style for the sake of a way forwards for the children. I guess I find it hard because - your description of parenting SEN children is very apt to me for almost all the time, but I also have to be the bigger person and swallow my own frustrations with ex as well, and it's really hard.

@TatmacSquare You do sound like the bigger person in this whole scenario and it does hurt when you have to be that person all the time. I'm sorry it's this way. You deserve better and so do your kids.
I did mention my replies have been general, as you've pointed out more and more context the situation obviously looks different. This will always happen when you look online for advice. I think you know better than anyone on here who is trying and who isn't. I was just trying to give some perspective.
I think maybe there was a time when seeing them him was good for the kids, but it sounds like that time might have passed. Really the kids need you and it sounds like his texts and behaviour are making you second guess your parenting, not to mention making you feel crap about the situation. He will never understand what it's like to be in your shoes, he probably has no idea the hoops you've jumped through to get your kids diagnosed.
I would protect yourself from this in order for your kids to have a healthy and happy mum. There are a lot of ASD parents who get abused by their kids. Of course this is not the kids fault, but it happens a lot and life is very very hard for many of these parents. You don't need a NT adult adding to that.

If they do continue seeing him, I genuinely advise you to treat him like a dummy. Seeing as he's not going to change, a 'Ah poor guy didn't know any better' attitude, will save your mental health and stress.

You are right of course. Low expectations can often be helpful to MH. I will do him the list of triggers and hope he might look at it at some point and it might help, but expect it not to.
Thank you for taking the time to engage and I apologise if I've come across as defensive. I'm feeling at bit 'end of tether' today, but tomorrow is a new day.

Not feral.
Feral would be a word I'd use to describe the kids out late at night trashing things, bunking off, harassing and bullying other children / people. Stealing. That's feral.