Coping with flashbacks

[tomissmymum]

Have a diagnosis of CPTSD following caring for my mum for years, this last 18 months she’s had advanced dementia and I was full time carer at home for a long time - got to crisis and we ended up with police, ambulance, social work, GP all involved, mum ended up sectioned then in a care home .

I keep having flashbacks today . Her house is going back to the council and I need to give her key back, I need to post it, but I can’t seem to do it and keep having horrendous flashbacks . Been in bed all day .

I stupidly went to call her earlier without thinking . Her phone’s been cut off for two months . Why did I go to call her?

Keep remembering that she had a seizure in the house with me and going over and over that in horrendously vivid detail . And then the events that happened after that led to her going into care . Keep going back over it and thinking, could I have changed this .

I know it’s not happening now but in my head it feels like it is .

I was given a phone number to ring for MH support at weekends/OOH and someone is going to call me back but I can’t settle myself meantime . Am sitting in the dark . Don’t know what to do .

It’s her house key … my home .. I can’t get myself to get it posted back because that’s the last link to my home . Which is stupid because the house is empty, I’ve seen photos of it empty, regardless of whether I have the key or not I’ll never be going in there again .

I hope you get a call back soon.
when I had PTSD I was advised to have a comfort box ready for bad days containing something to cosy up in, something with a smell associated with good memories, something to listen to etc.
take care

Thank you

I’ve got a box of my mum’s stuff that I’ve had a look at just now, and a bottle of her perfume . has helped a little bit .

It’s the most horrible, horrible feeling; I get so ‘confused’ in my mind because I find myself thinking of mum in the past tense.. then I remember she’s still alive … and for a few seconds I think, ‘oh! I can see my mum again’ but she’s not my mum … she’s not as she was before . Can’t talk to me, wouldn’t recognise me . And feel absolutely crushed and terrified of what will inevitably happen next .

I can’t bear the thought of not having my mum and can’t cope with remembering all that’s happened this year . Keep going over and over and over and when that happens you almost feel as though it’s actually happening right now . It’s the weirdest feeling .

Frustratingly I’ve had several really, really good days too - a good three/four weeks really - so God only knows why it’s hitting me like a sledgehammer today .

You had to block things out so you could keep on going. Now you don't have to keep on going you're processing it all now. Be kind to yourself.

On practical matters. Call a friend and have them post the key back for you. But first, do you need to go back there one last time to say goodbye to the place and thanks for all the happy memories? Would that help, do you think? I know it's just an empty building and I know talking to bricks and air is daft, but it's harmless too so if it would help you then go do it.

If you're feeling negative, blaming yourself for things etc, can you write down some positive thoughts to counteract that? Like, you did your best, your mum is now safe and cared for, you called in help when you needed it etc.

So you need something else to focus on, something external, to take you out of your head? The radio maybe? Grounding exercises might be useful, eg go stand on the grass in your bare feet to really feel it or making a list of all the things you can hear right now.

The past few years have been overwhelming for you, so it's ok to feel overwhelmed.

Have you considered EMDR? The flashbacks you're having sound very distressing and EMDR might help.

I'm curious to know why your diagnosis is cPTSD and not PTSD. Could you please explain if its not even more traumatic for you?

I can’t bear the thought of not having my mum

You're grieving. She's alive but she's gone, her personality has changed. It's a loss, a bereavement. There are stages of grief to go through but you will come out the other side.

Frustratingly I’ve had several really, really good days too - a good three/four weeks really - so God only knows why it’s hitting me like a sledgehammer today

Maybe your brain has decided that following a break you're strong enough to cope with it.

Have you tried journalling? If you write down a particular memory it might get out of your head because you know you can read back if you need to remember, so you don't need to hold onto it. Write down your feelings too and perhaps how things have now changed so that thing which occurred will never happen again. Expressing yourself and reassuring yourself like this might help you to let it go. Then go put on a happy film and try to take a break from thinking. It's exhausting so if you need to take a nap then do.

I second the suggestion of EMDR too - really helped me to process several traumatic events