Splitting Christmas Day with ExHusband

[Havingamoment247]

Hi,

Please be kind this is my first Christmas in this situation and I’m so unsure of everything.

My ex left very abruptly this year in May. It was a very abusive relationship and he continues to make horrible comments to this day even though he cheated for over a year. ANNNNNYWAYYyyy

As Christmas was coming up and we’re starting mediation soon our mediator told us to start thinking of what we’d like or accept over the Christmas period. Our young toddler lives with me and sees his dad EOW.

So my exes visitation falls on Christmas weekend - I’ll get to that later.

My idea for Xmas: I thought my ex could come to us early Xmas morning. Watch our child open their presents and have Christmas breakfast with us, stay until our child goes for his nap and then go off to where ever he wants. Does this sound reasonable?! I don’t want to spilt my child between us on the day and move them around on Xmas day as they’re quite young (nearly 3) and thought it’d be best for our child to stay in their home as they’ve been learning all about Santa etc

But no, my ex has said he’s bringing him back ‘late in the evening’ on Xmas day to spend the whole day with our child. Meaning, I’m alone and I get no Xmas eve or Xmas with our child. He’d also be bringing him about 200 miles away from where we live so would be travelling back in the late evening for hours.

I said we’d discuss this in mediation but can anyone share examples of their set ups on Christmas after a very rocky breakup!

(for context our child’s birthday falls on one of my weekends next year and I’d never say my ex wouldn’t be able to see their child on their birthday so I’m just gutted he’s trying to suggest this and thinks it’s ok - but is jt ok?! Is my exs suggestion normal?)

Very amicable split here.

I am the “Christmas” parent because he doesn’t have time or inclination to do the stockings etc!
He will come over for Christmas lunch and a walk.
long may it last. No abuse and no affair though - which probably helps!

Atm - you have quite a good thing goi g with him only having EOW.

i know it will be hard but I wouldn’t rock the boat.

slap on a smile. Make your suggestion. Be calm and Considered e. Say that you are fully aware that it is his weekend but wondered whether perhaps he would consider xyz. Be gentle. Be fucking angry inside but basically play him.

If it doesn’t work out, then suck it up and remember that you have much much more time with your son and… you want to damn we’ll keep it like that!

It is fairly typical to split Xmas day or have alternating Christmas days each year.

it’s really hard when they’re so young but my ex and I have always split xmas day (ds was 1 when he left) one of us would have Xmas eve & Xmas lunch and then ds would go to the other parent for the afternoon and Boxing Day.

since I’ve remarried and have more children ex and I came to the amicable agreement that I will always have ds Xmas eve and Xmas morning so he can be with his siblings for presents. As alternate who has him for lunch each year. Ex always has his over new year because his longterm partner is Eastern Orthodox so new year is a big deal to her. They go away and have a big party

it works well for us but we’re also located fairly close to each other so the transfer isn’t too hard. I would say as your child is young and it’s a fresh split maybe his dad doing that this year would be a bit unreasonable. It’s not unreasonable he has his Xmas eve and morning because his home will be the child’s too not just your home but taking them 200 miles away seems a bit much. It would be better to stay
local and split the day more fairly.

Personally I find the idea of a joint Xmas morning with ex opening presents etc gets a bit confusing for children and also as new partners appear it can cause fresh resentment and anguish when you eventually do have to detangle to accommodate them in your lives.

This is the first xmas since your break up so I would let your ds go to your ex and get it over and done with.

Then start thinking about all the lovely things you are going to do next year.

If you don't want to be alone on xmas day there are loads of charities/soup kitchens that you can volunteer for. Or just plan to ignore xmas day and have a great boxing day with your ds instead.

Do another Christmas day with your ds. Divorced parents and when I did Christmas at both i used to get a Christmas on 25th and then a one about a week later with the other parent.

I think there is often a lot of emphasis put on Christmas Day itself. Perhaps just tell your little one he's very lucky because he gets to have 'two Christmasses'? This year he gets Christmas with his dad and then the following day, he gets Christmas with you. I know it's not easy but Dec 25 is really just a day and you can have Christmas any day.

I say enjoy your child- free day, curl up, watch Christmas movies, eat junk and have a lovely day to yourself knowing you get to have your own Christmas on the 26th.

We always alternated Christmas Eve and Day.

So one year I had them from 5pm Christmas Eve until 8pm Christmas Day and then the next year my ex did.

Xmas arrangements are usually dealt with separate to whatever the normal 50/50 or EOW arrangements are. If you stick with ex having Xmas this year because it happens to fall on his weekend and that's why he gets Christmas Day you might want to point out that it's 2027 before Christmas Day falls on a weekend again so is he happy with not seeing DC on Christmas Day for the next 4 years? Probably not and that's why it's generally a separate arrangement.

Personally I think alternate years is the best option from the beginning. You can have a full on Christmas experience on Boxing Day the years DC is with ex on Christmas Day. If you say alternated Xmas Eve at 6pm to Christmas Day at 6pm and Christmas Day at 6pm to morning after Boxing Day then there would be the possibility of establishing traditions within both time periods that could still be really magical and special. Having ex round for even part of Christmas day can be tricky when you think about how future partners fit into that and even both your wider families. Try and think through how things will work best further down the line rather than just I cannot bear to not see my child open their presents on Christmas morning this year.

Given the distance for him, 200m, the whole weekend seems fairer- where will he spend the rest of his time after the time you've decided. Christmas usually is covered as a seperate event, like birthdays, Mother's Day, etc. usually a one year younger Christmas, he gets new year scenario for more split families, with time allocated on your birthday if not during your time, his birthday, etc. you're offering what you want, and he doesn't agree. Does it suck doing Christmas alone? If you choose to let it, yes.

wxh was abusive. Impaired in having some of Christmas Day for the first 2. He used to take them about 1pm.

Ds then complained that he hated it. He didn’t want to split Christmas and his dad went to his own parents where it was a very grown up Christmas. No noisy toys, no other kids. No kids games.

That coincided with exh having a girlfriend for long enough he was with her over Christmas and isn’t bothered anymore. I have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Dd goes over on Boxing Day

I would suck it up and do alternate years Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, his turn this year and yours next year. Without interfering with EOW.

This your your DS is young enough to do 2 Christmas' and not really know about what day of the week it is etc.

At 4 next year he'll be more engaged and he'll be with you.

Birthday just let it fall on whoever he is with. Mothers Day with you Fathers Day with Ex.

Get it written into a CAO

Thank you for everyone for your opinions! There’s a lot to think about. I definitely want what’s best for my child and for them to have the best Christmas (it’s quite a big celebration in my house and family and always has been) and I do begrudge my ex having Xmas with our kid because he’s never taken any interest in our baby since they were born. Since my ex has left he taken our child to his mums house every time (that’s the 200 miles away location) for her to look after our child and it just gets my back up. I know I need to rise above it all (which I think I’m doing very well on doing haha)

And I will be quoting your first paragraph in mediation haha!!! Such a good point!

We'll hopefully your DS will have a lovely relationship with your ex MIL and she will make it a nice Christmas for him.

Who knows after being stuck in traffic for hours in the peak traffic he may realise it's a shit idea.

Also in the future you may have a new partner, more DC and why would you want your abusive Ex polluting your abuse free home?

What would your child prefer?

That is the question I'd probably raise at mediation. I don't know your ex, but perhaps putting the suggestion forward as 'our child would welcome seeing both of us together on Xmas day and that would give them the best experience' might centre the conversation around your child, not what's best for you both as parents.

However, I'm not sure I'd be up for having the ex in the house. And I do agree it's usually and every other year thing, particularly as kids get older. I'm not sure that's fair on very young kids though, they don't understand

We alternate. This year my daughter will come home on Christmas Eve and then go to her dads on Boxing Day morning. Next year it'll be reversed.

We did start off dropping her to the opposite house on Christmas Day evening but it just meant the day was disjointed and you spent the whole time clock watching and didn't relax.

It's difficult but you need to put the "I will have to have Christmas without my child" because if you have him, his dad will be in the same position and it's not about what his dad did to you, it's about your child having Christmas with his parents with the least amount of chaos.