How to encourage your children to do better than you did?

[Bemyclementine]

Awful title I know, I'm struggling to find the words for this.

Background - I come from a northern WC background. Spent my early years on a pretty rough council estate. Parents hardworking, always poor, but did their very best. Both left school aged 14. I went to a very good local primary.

Parents split mother remarried, again WC, wonderful, hardworking step dad. I had a lovely childhood. Through sheer hard graft, my parents bought a house, did it up, made money, moved, (East anglia) paid for me to go horseriding. I went to a fee paying secondary school on a scholarship. Did ok. Most of my peers were from well off, obviously MC/UMC backgroubds, professional parents, they went to Uni, most have done very well for themselves career wise. I didn't. I drifted about working, ended up public sector and have stayed there. I've done ok , my parents are proud. I think they think I could have done a lot better and so I could,but I followed my own whims and worked for money as I had no clue what I'd do or how I'd go to uni. I'm absolutely not "blaming" my parents for anything, they didn't know how it all worked. They didnt know how or when to apply to uni (I didn't tell them because I didn't want to go) they had no ideas about career advice. I think they thought that I was bright, doing well and it would just happen.

So.....I have 2 young DC. Both are very bright, but one in particular. They're primary age. I'm very conscious that I'd like to support /encourage them in future. I want them to be happy of course and if that's working a manual job /trade then I will be happy for them. I also want them to have the opportunity to go further if that's what they want. My school friends, it was just expected, its what they did. All of them, their friends, cousins etc.

This is waffle, does anyone understand what I'm getting at?

I do

Talk to them. A lot. About how the world works, about all the different jobs, about what the point of education at different levels is. About how university works, when it is useful to have a degree and when it isn't. Expose them to different people with different jobs. Talk like you expect them to achieve great things, whatever that looks like.

I had a rough, chaotic and poor upbringing. My mum never worked. Stepdad did manual work, off and on, plus some minor drug dealing. It was expected I would leave home at 16 once I was working, so I did. I did try to get A levels a few times, dropped out for various reasons. Also dropped out of an access course. Education wasn't prioritised for me growing up, though my mum was big on books and reading.

I didn't know anyone who worked in an office until I was 20. Everyone we knew was either on benefits or worked in low skilled manual labour or hospitality. So I had no role models, no idea of what kind of jobs were out there and how to get them. No cultural capital. I got pregnant at 20 and survived on benefits and partners low income for many years.

Eventually I trained a nurse and earn what I'd always thought of as a good salary (almost double minimum wage). I was able to get a degree because it was paid for and I got a bursary to train and help with costs as I had children. It's not really a well paid job and I can't afford to buy a house, but 20 years ago this job was aspirational to me!

I talk to my kids about 'when' they go uni, or 'when' they save for a deposit. Talk about potential careers in terms of whether they will provide the lifestyle they want, as well as being interesting and fulfilling. Look at interesting uni courses or apprenticeships and send them links just so they know these options exist. There's a lot I can't tell them/show them because I don't know myself. But I've done a little better than my parents and hope my kids will do considerably better than I did!

Sorry, I've waffled more than you did OP, but I get it.

Thank you!! Yes, although my parents sent me to a good school (for which I am eternally grateful!) I think they expected me to just do it myself. I cruised through school and A levels doing the minimum i could get away with, and got pretty good results even so. I really do wish I'd put actual effort in.

We talk a lot, they have great aspirations. And even at their young ages, they read, a lot.

OP I think a lot of it is about encouraging aspirations, which you're already doing, and support which you're doing by encouraging reading. I see this a lot with my children's friends, if they don't have a parent who encouraged them to have aspirations for the future, they're far less likely to apply to uni etc (and I know that isn't for everyone anyway but it applies to other choices too). Also when they get that far, there are lots of programmes and courses for people who are the first in the family to apply to uni which your eldest at least would be eligible for. And if you make sure you're informed too, and Mumsnet is actually a great way of doing this, you'll be able to support them in whatever choices they make later on.

Thank you, staying informed is crucial I think. I wanted to be a vet as a child, but as a you g teen quickly realised I wouldn't manage it. My parents thought I could. With that prospect gone, I had no idea what to do, so effectively did nothing. There are so many other options out there

My DC are young but it's on my mind a lot

You're doing a lot of the right things. I think you could go out of your way to research everything and stay a step ahead and help your dc prepare for the next stage. For example in high school think about extra curricular activities, Duke of Edinburgh, volunteering, text books, GCSE choices that make sense for what they are potentially interested in doing at A Level/ University. Help them download past papers, watch online lectures, look at future learn courses with them to see all the interesting subjects out there. Attend free and cheap local astronomy events, medieval reenactments etc to see if they spark interest. See if you can speak to places ahead of time that might offer work experience in the area they have an interest. Encourage self study skills and help with revision techniques even if they're bright and doing well at school. Introduce your dc to friends, public sector colleagues etc you have with well paid, interesting jobs so they can start thinking of the options for themselves. Introduce them to new situations, people, places, sports and environments regularly so they are confident and capable wherever they go in life.

Well it wouldn’t be difficult for mine to do better than me! That bar is low.

But I never had a second of encouragement. No one ever spoke to me about jobs, careers, what I would like to do. I left school at 16 to do a crappy job, no one batted an eyelid, it was what stupid me was meant to do.

My eldest is 20. He’s doing fantastically. But I have put the work in. Helped him, encouraged him, listened to him. Helped him work towards his specific goal (a degree apprenticeship in an excellent career that he knows how to progress quickly in).

I learned from my parents awful mistakes and I have instilled confidence in him as I do and will continue to do so with his younger siblings.

So while I have nothing myself, I’ve put it all into my children so they will have what I never did.