I'm wondering if anyone can relate, or shed some light on this as I'm so, so down.
Before I go into detail, let me begin by saying I totally understand having an attachment to your childhood home but please hear me out.
Been with partner 5 years, lived together nearly 4. We have a 3 year old together and have a child each from a previous relationship. He's 52! So not a teenager.
After my partner's divorce 13 years ago, he moved back into his mum and dad's house. It was his childhood home, they have money- so a big 6 bed house in a nice area. I assume he always planned to buy again (so he says and he has hundreds of thousands in savings) but he basically lived there rent free until I became pregnant and I think he'd have stayed there forever.
His mum died 8 years ago, so only his dad officially lives there. However his dad has a home abroad and lives there for about 7 months of the year! So apart from .t partner going there, it's empty. He has 3 siblings but they live with husbands/wives and have lives.
Anyway, when I became pregnant we ended up moving down my way. It's only 40 mins from my partners dad's house. The reason being is that if I moved, my eldest would have to move school, he wouldn't see his dad at all during the week and I'd have to quit my job. We did discuss all options but me moving would have been much bigger upheaval and partner is not supportive. Plus he wanted us to actually live in his dad's house.
My partner works from home, only sees his son every other weekend and as his dad lives in the area, he always a has a base to go to.
I have agreed that in 5 years when my eldest has finished school, I will move wherever my partner wants.
He didnt really want to move here and I made it clear that I didn't want him here if he didn't want to be. I wouldn't move near him for the reasons above (mostly because my eldest dad is very involved and I wouldn't want to move him away) but also because my partner is basically useless. Never helped with anything and made it clear if I did move to his dad's house, he wouldn't want to help with school runs for me to work etc.
He is literally obsessed with his dad's house. Obsessed. Even our relationship therapist says so.
He goes back there to stay every week. Sometimes he has an excuse, such as he has to collect a prescription (refuses to change his Dr surgery to near our home). He's there more if his dad is there and I go back with him when I can but it's around my work and school and nursery. The first 2 years of our child's life, he basically lived at his dad's and wanted me driving back and forth. Even 2 weeks after my c section. I was looking after our baby, up all night, doing school runs and back and forth to his dad's several times a week.
He has complained that he wants to be there because his family are there. It's not true though, only his dad is there and that's only 5 months of the year. When his dad is there, he is there 5 days a week and I'm back and forth when able and basically a single parent. We were taking our son back and forth there and he got annoyed with me when our child started nursery, as it meant he had to be here to help with childcare what I work.
He says his son is there (the same town his dad lives)- his son never used to live in the same town as my partners dad but his ex moved back there the month my partner and I got a place elsewhere.
HOWEVER, he only ever saw his son every other weekend and it's the same now. When my partner is at his dad's 5 days a week, he doesn't have his eldest extra at all. However, he tells people he doesn't see his son because he has to live here with me.
He complains all his friends live near his dad's (lives near a city). However, it's again not really true. One friend is 10 mins away but always busy with his family. His other friends are only a few miles away but because it's city outskirts, it takes 25 mins to get to their houses from my partners dad's, it's only 10 mins further from our house.
Plus, if they do plan a big night out, he can stay at his dad's anyway.
I feel like he's never grown up. He's 52 and still has the same group of friends from uni but they have settled into family life and made other friends where they live. They also don't go out as much and have busy jobs. My partner repetitively tells the same stories about his friends and uni days, it's as if he's never moved on.
He wants to be back and forth there several times a week (tries to encourage me to go with our child) but we have no reason to be there! He even refuses to help with housework at "our" house because he says it's just rented but will help at his dad's because he has financial interest in it.
I feel he will never properly commit to me. He says he wants us to but together and blames me for us paying 1400 a month rent but we could buy! He makes excuses as to why we can't but it's because he's obsessed with his childhood home.
I understand what it's like to have a childhood home, however it's his everything. He'd rather be alone in that house domg nothing with his life, than properly engage with being a family.
I just want a normal relationship. I don't feel I am in one. He's detached.
Can anyone help me understand. He's 52. When his dad passes that house will be gone and he has made it clear that when that happens, he will have nowhere to go and be lost. Shit for his partner and mother of his child to hear.
I'm also omitting the cheating and abuse because I wanted opinions on the house situation.
Thank you