How to jump start relationship / midlife crisis?

[Breakforone]

Mid forties, together 20 years, 2 DC

DH goes cycling 8-1 every Saturday. Don’t begrudge this as Enjoys so much

DC of age that have clubs / social life all weekend

me - work full time. Family stuff, children stuff. Repeat

i feel bored, unappreciated, stuck in a rut, frumpy, housewife not wife - even though chores/ admin split 50,50, is this as good as gets?

any tips?

I know it's hard to make the effort when you've been at work all week and have all the family chores to do all weekend, but you do feel pleased with yourself when you step out the rut for a bit.

Is there a hobby that you'd like to spend time doing? Or would a weekly time out - drinks / dinner / just coffee with girlfriends? - allow you to feel yourself again?

As you're both working full time and he's out and about every Saturday morning, you are just as entitled to some down time as he is.

If we knew, we wouldn’t be on Mumsnet. 😭

You’re heading into peri menopause territory, I’d say what you have written is a symptom.

Find things you enjoy doing for yourself- not related to your DH or DC. I've always kept up my hobbies, interests, groups and friendships... (as has my DH) sure we don't do as much 'family stuff' as some families do but I see myself as an individual and want to enjoy my own interests. Not saying we do nothing as a family but honestly DC will grow up and leave home (mine practically has) and what are left with?

I absolutely resonate with your last sentence. Two of mine are gone, and I hardly see them, one left who goes to Uni in September.
I feel really empty, wonder who I am and where the younger me went. I know I need to get a life, but that’s hard when you have devoted the last 30 years to work, home and family.
I would say to all those coming behind me, maintain ‘you’, keep those friendships going and have your own interests. Don’t rely on kids and DH/DP for company and entertainment.

peri ? Yes probably. I feel like will just an exaggerator rather than cause. Will amplify for sure though.

I feel like I haven’t got a “me” to lose

I got into buying Frivilous things as a distraction. Ie nice Cosmetics that have good review online but really just gather dust.

I feel lost, I think. Not really any good friends

You are brave posting this very outing post. We all know who your cycling husband is...

I'm not sure this is so much about your relationship as it is about you. What do you enjoy? What could you be doing for four hours that brings you joy?

So what were your hobbies or dreams as a child ?

am sorry @Mummieslncorporated i don’t get?

Well that sums it up.

I was feeling similarly having been with DH for similar time, mid 40s, two DCs. Last year I joined a new choir that was setting up locally and have made some lovely new friends of all ages, we have a laugh. It's only an hour a week and informal rather than serious singing but so good for well-being.

Can you find something similar that is just for you and will given you some headspace? Life is still a bit repetitive for me but music is such a tonic.

I also joined a social media fashion group and started being more bold with my clothing choices which has renewed my confidence. And cheers me up. I find myself far less inhibited as I get older!

There's a standing theme on Mumsnet that people won't say what their husbands hobby is because it's outing, and it's usually something really common like cycling. It was just a joke.

How are you doing op. Any more thoughts?

If you are stuck with hobbies/interests, one thing to do is to think about what you enjoyed doing as a child.

Agree with finding hobbies. I'm just starting out with this process and have discovered an interest I very much enjoy. Unfortunately, I have different interests to husband and wish there was more of an overlap (although I appreciate it is really beneficial to have your own interests.

Also, yes to the peri-menopause. I'm having a really difficult time emotionally. I'm hugely reassessing my life and some of the stuff I'm discovering isn't sitting easy with me.

Reignite the foxy you. So I would change the small things you can to feel sexy again. So instead of just plodding around doing housework stick on some music and sing dance whilst at it. Music lifts the spirits and you can get your heart pumping a bit which always makes you feel better.

Having some romance with the H helps. It brings you closer as adults and it should be fun, make you feel good.

And then maybe think about things differently, you have a fit, healthy husband, kids are more independent and busy, growing as they should. There is plenty to feel good about there.

So now it's time for you. Revamp the garden, get some good literature, do an online learning course just for fun, or adult evening class on something you have always fancied knowing more about.

Learn to make clothes? Then you can have tops that are flattering in just the sort of material you like.

Start small and build up perhaps next summer to joining a sport class or club. Tennis lessons, adult netball, rambling club, green gyms there are numerous options.

This was similar to me 10 years ago.

First thing is to find some good friends. Do you have any not so close friends to cultivate? I made an active decision to make more time and effort to see these friends (including using the odd day off work to join them on a day out). I also found a couple of hobbies that meant I met more women my age.

I now have a few very good friends and a wider circle of not so close friends but still people I see regularly via a hobby.

My DH died a few years ago and I thank myself every day for cultivating those friendships ten years ago or I would be so lost and lonely now.