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I'm feeling upset, and totally ignored in my friendship group.

7 replies

PumpkinsandSpice · 07/11/2022 22:09

The four of us have been friends for 5 or 6 years and have done a lot together. This is the scenario currently, though:

Basically, one of them (Friend A) really upset Friend B. She didn't mean to, she was actually trying to help, but worded it badly. Friend B has never confronted her, just gone cold on her without saying why. This actually happened back in summer, and I've felt in an awkward position since. (I wasn't there, just heard about it 3rd hand. I'd have been upset too, but don't know exactly how it was said).

The other friend has completely sided with the one who's upset, and they now on our group WhatsApp, just 'like' her comments and give non-committal responses when she suggests us all meeting up. She's noticed, and asked outright in the group what's wrong. They just gloss over it though, and start posting cute photos of their pets etc, to distract her. 🤔 I have to sometimes see her 1-1, we work in the same building, but have been told by the other two not to say anything.

I realise group meet-ups are unlikely to happen now, but value the friendship with them all. 🙁 I suggested to the other 2, meeting up when I knew the other friend was on holiday (so I wouldn't feel I was actively 'leaving her out'). They agreed to an evening, then cancelled on me last minute with lame excuses, and never bothered to rearrange. 🙁

As I'm having no luck seeing the other two separately, I responded on the group to a suggestion by Friend A, asking if we're free on a certain date between Xmas & New Year, for a local event that's taking place. I said I was free then, and the other two immediately jumped on me (on the group) with OMG how can you think that far ahead? Can't we just play December by ear? (With laughing/eyeroll emojis). This upset me, I suppose I'm the quietest in the group and now being told I can't even speak on there. ☹ I've not said anything else, they obviously don't want to go, and are annoyed with me for responding to her. They'd left it for a week though, and given no answer at all!

They're not actually my friends at all, are they? It's hurt me a lot as I always felt closer to them than Friend A, but despite my efforts to reach out, they've obviously decided to treat me as if I'm nothing to them, despite them knowing I'm in a difficult position, and have done nothing wrong. ☹

OP posts:
Chomolungma · 07/11/2022 22:12

I would reply separately to A, not on the group chat, and say "seems like the other two aren't up for it but I'd love to go to that event - shall we put it in the diary?". Then see how things develop over time within the group.

Twiglets1 · 07/11/2022 22:16

They’re very passive aggressive aren’t they? I would maybe try to at least stay friends with friend A because the others sound so fake it will be hard to ever get beyond the superficial with them.

MichelleScarn · 07/11/2022 22:19

So 'friend' B is actually a nasty bully, how do you know what A actually said if you heard it 3rd hand, was it from the other totally neutral member of the group? 🤔

They sound horrible!

Changingplace · 07/11/2022 22:21

I’d confirm your plans with friend A and leave the others to it, they sound irritating tbh, it’s perfectly reasonable to confirm a date in Dec it’s only next month they’re clearly trying to dictate the group, they sound childish.

doodlepoodlenoodle · 07/11/2022 22:24

Ditch them all and move on with your life! I'm taking it you are all past school age? Life is too short! Flowers

PumpkinsandSpice · 07/11/2022 22:55

Michelle, yes you're right, it was the 'neutral' friend who told me! She wasn't there either, but the upset friend had filled her in and asked her to tell me, (in case I felt awkward in group chats, and confused by her silence). Well, I still do, and wish she'd told me herself!

Embarrassingly, I'm 50, the one who apparently caused the upset is mid 50's and the other 2, early 60's! I feel I've been far more concerned about them than they are a out my feelings, which says it all really!

OP posts:
PumpkinsandSpice · 08/11/2022 10:25

I saw on Facebook this morning, that thos 'upset friend' has shared one of those posts, ie, 'It's ok to take time for yourself, not to respond to messages sometimes, cancel plans when you need a day of 'self-care' etc, with several replies from people saying what a lovely person she is, and how she always puts others first!

I scrolled past and didn't comment - She's certainly not putting ME first at the moment, I feel she's left me in an impossible position and doesn't give two hoots, even after all these years of friendship. 🤔

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