I'd like some opinions from the MN massive! BIL has made it clear that he doesn't like me / us. No big falling out, he just doesn't bother with us. When we do see him he's like a stranger at a dinner party: he sort of glazes over when I ask him anything and just gives bland replies, never asks about us/me. Last time he and his partner visited it was so weird... they left early and went for lunch in our neighbourhood by themselves before they drove home (we found out later). Even though we'd spent the weekend taking them out, paid for activities, etc.
It does hurt, and as I do (did) love him and thought he was family. But he's so distant, and I get the sense there's a lot of judging going on. He's always surprised when he finds out I've done something "good" (I do a lot of volunteering, for example, but don't tell people about it, and when he found out he couldn't hide his amazement that I'd do such a thing. I've been volunteering all my life). He also lavishes attention on other family member's kids but basically ignores mine, and that hurts a lot. He used to be really active in their lives. Any messages on our group WhatsApp of mine he ignores, and he never asks after any of us (even when we've had some pretty life-changing things happen ).
So, my conundrum. After their last visit I thought it was time I accepted that he and his partner don't like us / me, won't tell us why, and I need to learn to live with that. Which would mean pulling back. But now he's expecting a baby. My first instinct would be to be supportive, message at key milestones, etc. but do I behave like I used to behave, even though it's clear they don't give a shiny shit about me and my kids, or do I pull back as planned, and leave all the comms to my DH, his brother?? It feels so weird not to be my usual self but equally it really hurts that he / they dislike me so very much. Any ideas?