What do you wish your parents did differently?

[sirensi]

Interested now I'm a mother.

I wish my mum didn't call me dramatic all my life. Really I was just anxious, and these were my feelings. It's left me unable to talk about my problems now

I wish my mum didn't treat me like her personal emotional bin, any issues she came to me, not her own mother or friends (which she did have). The bit that really grinds my gears as an adult is it was mainly tears and anger over my alcoholic dad (who massively upset me too). Examples are getting me to ring the landlord to beg him to get my dad to come home, knowing the embarrassing details of him being sacked, being ordered not to set him off when he'd say something vile to me but was okay with her etc, yet now my dad's a lot better it's constant texts about "having a pint with your dad in the pub, we have so much fun". I have repeatedly explained I am not interested and she is insensitive but she doesn't listen.

I will never moan about my relationship, or other adult/personal issues, to my children.

Exactly this. Also mad me feel anxious about my weight and was obsessed with the house being immaculately clean.

Don't go and have four kids if you can't afford them and never stop nagging about money.

Or nagging about anything, it was going to turn me into Princess Anne, I had to live amongst these people and go to school, where I was picked on for being posh.

I had to adapt and fit in.

Loads, mainly that my mother choose a better father, left when the abuse started instead of having another baby. That we weren't smacked so hard marks were left.

Draw attention to me being shy and not liking physical affection or being kissed. There was always lots of fuss made about me when I didn't want my deep-voiced, gruff, rough, chain-smoking uncles to kiss me goodbye after a visit. They were scary when I was a child!

Not saying "I'm so proud of you". I think mum believes that telling someone you're proud of them makes you a braggard and gives them an ego. She nearly said it recently. But it turned into "I'm proud of you.....for how you live". She just had to qualify it and make me unsure of what she means!

Not intervening properly and strictly when my sister was cruel to me throughout my childhood and teenage years. No, one person bullying another is not just 'sisters being sisters' or 'sisterly love'. It affected me deeply and we don't have anything to do with each other now.

I wished she had been affectionate and told me I was worth something so I grew up to be confident rather than thinking I wasn't good enough. She loves babies but loses interest as they grow up. I could see this with my siblings and now with family grandchildren.

I wish my mum had made me feel good enough. I wish she hadn’t encouraged me to believe I was fat as a child (I wasn’t).

when my dad was having mh that impacted the whole family I wish she would have accepted the therapy that was offered for me instead of saying I didn’t need it. I did!

I wish that their way of dealing with weight issues wasn’t to weigh us in the kitchen (primary aged ). We were overweight kids but I dreaded that weigh in. And guess what. I have massive weight issues as an adult.

still the Christmas I gave up eating/vomited up my lunch they congratulated me for managing to lose 2lb.

It’s possible my kids might hate the fact that I’ve encouraged them to take part in loads of sports clubs but they’ve never been weighed at home and are clearly a lot healthier than I ever was (or am).

More encouragement and confidence boosting, instead of criticism for minor mistakes etc.

I wish she hadn't used me as her therapist "you're very wise" I didn't want to be wise, I wanted to be 14 and not constantly on edge because of my mother's mental state.
I wish every tiny thing wasn't blown out of proportion, people make mistakes and that's fine!
I wish my needs had mattered, it led me to think being a second class citizen in my own home was acceptable. Not any more!

Said I love you. I wish she'd made me feel loved and supported. For a small child, feeling nobody has your back is terrifying. I wish she'd got me medical and dental treatment rather than ignoring issues. I wish she'd noticed how much I suffered rather than being totally absorbed in her own misery. I wish she'd thought about my needs rather than assuming I was a copy of her as a child. I wish she'd not made me feel like having children was a bad choice.

Not been so absorbed in their toxic relationship that it took precedence over their children.

Same was the youngest at the time in our state for Weight watches. I was 10. I’ve been random diets ever since and I’m 40. Worst was she sent me info to do one called the hospital diet and I nearly fainted on it. I tried to make sure my kids didn’t see good and bad food. We just ate food and they dance an awful lot. Guess I failed as I have one teen with an eating disorder so guess I failed too.

I would have liked some interest and encouragement shown in what I did post-16, rather than saying they didn’t want to influence me. I was very capable but didn’t even try to get into university.

Nothing. They did the best they could do and any mistakes they made were because they were imperfect human beings. If there were anything to forgive them for, I would to do a thousand times over.

Encouraged education and gave me the confidence to aim high - I literally cannot remember asi for encouraging word about higher education or attendance at my parents’ nights.

they were generally good parents, but they didn’t in any way push or encourage me, with a little bit of self confidence and encouragement I’d have been at uni at 16 (age I left school with my highest). Instead I went to a YTS, and drifted a bit.

This is lovely.

I really really wish mine hadn't smoked. Spent my childhood breathing in smoke in a grim smoky house and smoky car. They were never really present because they were craving the next cigarette. Now they have entirely predictable smoking related heath issues.

This. I show affection and say I love you to my children loads now. Interestingly she says it to them as a grandmother. And when I had had my second ds she did apologise in a way.

Taught me life skills instead of wrapping me up in cotton wool (due to many, many unresolved issues she had).

Perhaps accepted that I had additional needs instead of constantly shaming me for being too quiet, too sensitive, etc. and not making me feel like a hypochondriac when I was having what I now know to be many burnouts and shutdowns throughout the course of my life. Now a ND and very messed up adult.

My parents are ace, and it is only now as a parent that I fully appreciate their awesomeness.

If there is one thing that might have been useful, it is that they could have pushed me out of my comfort zone more. They gave us all lots of opportunities but it was up to us whether we did stuff, and I was a cautious child who needed a shove to get past small obstacles. They fully respected my right to say "No" to stuff, which can be limiting when a child's default response to everything is "No". As an adult I recognise what I am doing and kick myself up the butt, but as a child I missed out on some stuff I really would have liked to do.

On the other hand if they pushed me I might be seething with resentment at them now...it is very hard to get it right as a parent.

Everything my parents did was driven by circumstances - their own parenting, their experiences in WW2 (frontline) and the years after that, the lack of £, living in a rural back water. There are loads of things I wish they’d done differently but I can see exactly why they did them and would probably be that way myself.

I just hope I’ve done slightly better with my (adult) kids but I know I’ll have damaged them too. Not least by choosing such a crap father for them.

Mum never told me she was proud of me at all, always said that she wished she hadn’t had children. Made out I was the child from hell when reality yes I may have been stubborn etc but I never did anything bad I was good at school etc. If I did anything wrong I acted like my father looked like him constant reminder of a man that she hated. I never interacted with my father and being so dam judgemental all the time. To religious to and in my mind quite emotionally abusive .

I really wish my dad had recognised that he had zero idea on how to be a dad. He was your garden variety 90's dad.

• Forcing me to eat things i didnt want and giving me massive food issues.
• Zero understanding of children in general. Not bothering to read a book about childcare, or watch a programme, or ask any of his friends with kids what he might expect. Literally just making it up on the spot constantly with zero knowledge or forethought. And when things went wrong, doubling down instead of trying a new tactic.
• Having a very fixed idea of what children should be doing and enjoying and not realising that children are individual people with likes and dislikes.
• Shitty little 'banter' comments like 'chubby' or 'piggie'. General teasing. Then getting extremely annoyed if we got upset or angry about these comments. If he had stopped when it was clear we were upset, we could have had some normal family light teasing, but because to a young child he set the connection between teasing > dad getting angry/annoyed very early on, we would immediately tense up. Which let to more annoyance.
• Telling a child to do something then getting angrier and angrier if they dont do it, and never trying any other approach. Never listening to why they dont want to do it, or thinking of alternatives. This wasnt at necessary things like 'brushing your teeth' or 'Get in the car to go to school' it was things like 'eat broccoli' (if i'm literally gagging as i eat, why?) or 'go outside and play' (im reading a book not smoking crack)
• Thought his job was to work and provide and my mums job was the kids but then wanted to be seen as a good dad despite not bothering to interact with us or get to know us as individuals.
• Never joined in on stuff we wanted to do - if he didnt like the park, he'd stay at home and watch tv. Why would he watch a kids film? Why would he go to the beach? Nope. Or woupd come and moan. But woe betide us if we expressed any distaste in the things he thought we should be doing.
• General moaning and just being constantly negative all the time. ALL THE TIME. A black cloud over the house. Sulked when he didnt get his way.

I've had a much better time than a lot of people in this thread thanks to my wonderful mum who did leave him.

If anyone is reading this and recognising their own partner in what im saying, please for your childrens sake do something. We have a shit relationship with him and its messed us up.

I wish my mum had been less critical of myself and my sister. It was everything! Our clothes, hair, the way we talk, our friends, boyfriends and then husbands. The way we clean! The way my sister is raising her child. Our confidence levels are awful and my sister has made a conscious decision not to be like this with her daughter.

My mother was (and is) a very mean spirited person and is very happy to slag off anyone she sees. It could be the neighbours, her sisters, people on TV. She’s always got a nasty comment. When I was a child I could be quite a nasty person to my friends at times and I think it’s from this influence. As I got older I made sure not to sink to her level.

My dad passed away a few years ago but he was a lovely lovely man. Kind, funny, always wanted to help. It’s bizarre that they ended up together and my sister and I both feel so lucky we had him raising us too as otherwise we would have been a mess!