Colleague told me i need to be a mum

[Sexismandwork]

This happened to me pre kids and it still winds me up today.

I had the flu and was off work two weeks..when I returned my male colleague told me I needed to become a mum, because i will then be able to power on.

My heart sank and i went quiet. I've still not managed to process wtf this comment was about.

The company solicitor was sat there when he said it. His manager was and my line manager was. He was not pulled up. They never said anything to me about it. Nothing was said to call him out...in front of me anyway.

Anyone able to tell me how a workplace should have dealt with this?

it was a stupid comment, but no need for HR involvement.

Two weeks to recover from the flu is not a long time at all. I can only assume you’ve never had the flu.

I have lost count of the shit things bosses say to me. If I was upset by them all for years I would be stuck in bed!!!

my favourite was the one that capped my pay increase to a smaller amount as I had kids and was “unreliable” because I once took an afternoon as impromptu annual leave as one was ill and nursery closed. I had had less time off sick then all the child free colleagues but no matter.

I had been given smaller remuneration awards than colleagues as the work is “too easy” for me”

I have had sexual harassment. One was a bitchy back stabbing cow

i have been in work for a fair while now and you have to develop ways not to let this stuff eat you up. Life isn’t fair and work isn’t fair but find a way to let it go!

People she's reflecting on something that happened and pondering how it should have been dealt with. Not getting herself wound up.

I would have expected the person saying it to be spoken to later. Ideally it should have been shut down in the moment but we're not always as good in the moment as we'd like to be.

They should have spoken to him in private as you didn't raise a complaint. It's all very well complaining that others didn't say anything but they're hardly likely to if you just accept it.

After that comment you can be sure he has never had genuine influenza. You can also tell the people here who commented on it being long haven’t had flu.

I literally couldn’t walk for nearly two weeks when I had it. If someone told me there was money flying around my garden I wouldn’t have cared or even attempted to get of bed to get it.

People who have a day or so off work with a cold and then say they had flu really annoy me! 🤣

It's called Chat.

Trust me I'm over it.

I'm new to Mumsnet and just trying out posting a thread and that's something that I thought was related to women in the workplace.

As way of the mark as some of these comments are, I'm not bothered by that either.

It was was a grey area for a company so thought it might be interesting. It could be a completely non sexist comment, just a dick who has never had flu.

It's just chat.

At the time I would have put in a formal complaint.

However, seeing as you say it was pre kids, I’m guessing it was at least 3 years ago, I’d try to stop thinking about it.

To be fair you did start with: This happened to me pre kids and it still winds me up today.

I think it’s a genuine question of why it still winds you up (upsets you/bothers you) today if it happened so long ago. I don’t think pp are trying to giving you a hard time.

And honestly many of us actually do know the difference between a cold or flu and have had the flu or even worse.

Do know what I have realised in my brief time here? Some posters are like my husband. In real life he is sweet, kind and almost helpful to everyone. But put him behind a wheel in a car with the protection of anonymity and he becomes a swearing idiotic monster.

The trolls on Mumsnet are rife. I can't imagine how some on these comments fall on already depressed posters. For all they know they could be piling more abuse on the abused.

I don't think Mumsnet is the correct place for me to be hanging around. Some posters are toxic.

There is always an irony about parents going around talking about how selfish non parents are. They are usually people who were so selfish before children that they're absolutely astonished to find they're capable of putting someone else first.
Their basic nature doesn't change though and they're usually the parents who let their kids shout and scream in restaurants, go into a huff if they're not invited to weddings and try to emotionally blackmail the b and g, and yes, make deeply insensitive and insulting comments to non parents.

Maybe it's because you're new but posters often start with an OP ostensibly about x but really it's about y. You said you still hadn't managed 'to process wtf it was about'.
Obviously, for him, it seems to be about him thinking parents have to push through illnesses more than single people do. But no-one here knows what it was about for you. Did you feel sensitive about not being a parent? Did you feel attacked for poor attendance? Did you feel it was sexist and he wouldn't have drawn a link between illness and parenthood if you were a man? Did you feel unsupported by management generally and this felt like another example? If you identify the core issue, you can deal with this and stop worrying about it years later.

This is a good answer.

I honestly think it was 2am and I was wracking my brain for something relevant to chat about and that came up. It was something that really hurt at the time, because I didn't know what I wanted and he was dismissing the worst flu of my life. I definitely didn't like being told that I should be a mum by a colleague.

People say stupid things I get it. I do.

But yeah just started a chat really out of curiosity and insomnia

Some posters think everything is AIBU, sadly. It's like being roasted sometimes when you posted on mumsnet. Apart from the mental health and relationships boards, which tend to be kinder.

At least you get a range of responses is the one positive, but it's hard when posters are really harsh.

It was my big birthday and Someone told me I didn't look my age because I didn't have kids.

They also knew I had been ttc for years had multiple Miscarriages and and on the infertility pathway.

They weren't trying to be a dick
they were crass and tactless and hugely insensitive.

Why did you find his comment insensitive? Was it inappropriate after a break up or a you were single for a long time or ttc.

I'm sure my newly married 26 year old
Colleague wouldn't find this insensitive j fact she'd be delighted.

It's a bit crass. On what grounds could it be a HR issue? Sexist/ ageist?

Fwiw- I was off for two weeks with flu it's horrible.

That's how long real flu takes. I was off 4 weeks.

Problem is so many people call a bad cold - flu - that many don't realise it's a pretty serious illness.

@Sexismandwork I've just read your updates

His comments support the rhetoric that mums are better than other women. I do think this is largely engrained I to society. From the downs trodden stay at home housewife to the 1980s super mums that 'had it all' to the making memories mums of the 00s.

Unfortunately being a parent is more protected by law than not being a parent.

I think if you can understand why it winds you up you might be able to make peace with it.

Or he may just be a dick that makes dick comments.

Its probably still int the memory bank, because the three other senior people and especially the company solicitor who was so right on didnt say anything. There resounding silence felt like agreement. I suppose it felt like being hounded. I also thought it should have been clamped down on because if he said that to a woman with fertility issues it would be even worse.

Even taken alone as a dick comment. I'm still interested how a workplace should have deal with him given they were there.

Ok I see what you mean.

Did you want someone to say something about you taking time off so "I'm sure @sexism are wouldnot have time off unless It was medically necessary and it not appropriate to speculate on someone absence or presence of children and their conscienciousness'

You could only make such a comment if you have never had flu. I've had flu. It was THREE WEEKS of unending misery and pain. I went back to work without being fully recovered, and collapsed at work because the bronchitis I was ignoring developed into pneumonia. My fit friend died from flu at the age of 47 because he went to work while ill and didn't stop until he was rushed into hospital.

I'd be embarrassed people think flu is a joke. Or by colleagues who think that sick people aren't entitled to sick leave. The hint is in the title - sick leave.

I think I'd have started out by saying exactly what you must said... very bluntly, " are you aware that the comment you just made was sexist, and could have caused serious offence and hurt to a woman with fertility problems. You should be much more considered when making comments. But I'll let you off on this one occasion because we all know about men and man flu - any minor twinge is life- threatening.... how does it feel having stupid comments made about your health and sex?"

I was too gobsmacked to even say anything. Then felt no back up in the room.

However, the seniors could have been just as gobsmacked.

I suppose I'm wondering if it's writen warning stuff or a training issue. I'm not sure how I would have dealt with it with a HR hat on. I certainly think he needed some training, but then again, I think he was a fish out of water. He talked over women all the time, but not men.

The MD "coincidently" made it clear the next day that the company was not a sexist one.