If you're confident and have a good level of self esteem - how do you "talk" to yourself?

[ThinkThings]

I'm basically asking because I have very low self esteem, like pretty much non existent. I've been like this from a very very young age so my thoughts / beliefs are pretty entrenched and I honestly don't know if I can improve things.

As a result, I have very low self confidence and also social anxiety. As you can imagine, this has held me back massively in life, in my career and it's had a huge impact on my whole life trajectory. I feel like a failure tbh.

I've tried cbt, reading lots of books, watching videos etc and nothing really seems to work eg. Cbt, mindfulness, therapy, ACT, compassion focussed therapy - I'm going round and round in circles and feeling even more worse than when I started off as I feel so broken.

I'm wondering what on earth goes on in the minds of "healthy" brains that have a good sense of self esteem.

How do you think about yourself / how do you talk to yourself? How do you talk to yourself when you "fail" something? How are you in new situations like starting a new job. Show me a peek inside what I should be aiming for.

Thanks I have a few credits on audible I need to use up so might try that.

What if you dislike your friend and just find her pathetic! It just doesn't seem honest when I have tried this.

OP, I'm sorry you are struggling. I tried what you tried and ity all worked for me.

One thing that might help is depathologising how you feel. I discovered this by accident when DS had depression and then anxiety. I discovered taht a lot of the thoughts he believed proved he was mentally 'broken' (you use the same word, which caught my attention) are perfectly valid, normal thoughts.

Did you grow up in a home or school environment where you were encouraged to be happy all the time or to life 'your best life' or something similar? That sort of belief system pathologises perfectly normal and healthy negative emotions. You are allowed to feel shit after a bad day. You are allowed to feel anxious befofe an exam, a job interview, travel to a new place, going to a party where you don't know many people etc. You are allowed to get flustered if you lose something or say the wrong thing or forget something or make a mistake at work. It is normal to sometimes feel lethargic.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't find pick-me-ups and strategies to prevent spiralling into negative overthinking. But it does mean you are well within 'normal' if you feel these things.

FWIW if you have a really loud, domineering voice in your head telling you you are useless and a failure and on and on - the only thing that killed that for me was medication. But it did kill it.

Sorry - I didn't quite answer your question.

For e.g. a job interview (I do quite well in these) I might feel very nervous so first I'd plan well and leave lots of time to get ready and travel. Switch to decaff to reduce nerves. Deep breathing techniques on the journey. Once at the interview, my self talk would be: OK, you're nervous, but focus on THEM, not you. What do they need from someone in this position? How can I help them?
I like helping people, so it's soothing to reframe it that way.

When I fail at something, I remind myself of all the highly successful people who all spectacularly fail and what made a difference was they picked themselves up and carried on. I focus on that part of the failure.

Also, reframe failure: we learn from mistakes. What did you learn from that failure. Raise your game. If you have a failed love affair, raise the bar, don't lower it. Go for a kinder, more intelligent man next time. If you got sacked, work out what in your behaviour needs to shift - raise the bar. Or if you hate your job, apply for a job that offers higher pay or better hours or is nearer to home,m or more appealing - something better than before.

And whether you feel like it or not, get into the habit of self care. Just dress in clothes you like, get a good hair cut etc.

Learn to be silly. People with low self esteem are often terrified of making tits of themselves. The mroe you learn to do that for its own sake, and enjoy silly, funny things, the better you'll feel.

May sound absolutely nuts but I find that playing the part of a confident, self-assured woman has really helped me actually become more the person I want to be iyswim.
I have lived with awfully low self-esteem and made terrible decisions in life due to this however once I decided to 'play' the part of a confident woman I actually started feeling more self worth and I've grown to be that person I was once acting.
Fake it till you make it.

Marking place, great thread, thank u.

If you lived on a desert island, then the subject of self confidence, self esteem, social anxiety etc probably would not be an issue, you would just do the best you could, without the pressure of being judged by others, the only judge would be yourself, so other than feeling lonely, you in theory would find all these issues would vanish.

Actually if you lived on a desert island, then it really would not matter what car you drove, what clothes you wore, where you went on holiday, how attractive your partner was, how much sex you were getting, in fact a whole host of things that stress people out.

All that would really be important is feeding yourself, keeping warm, and having shelter. I could quite happily live in that environment, but unfortunately, I don't, so I live there mentally instead.

At the end of the day I would wager most people that have to live in this world, unless they are fighting for survival, or fighting against a war, or starvation, have exactly the same issues, they all worry about acceptance, about confidence, about self esteem, they just mask it, or over compensate for it, I would embrace your own honestly, be glad your not kidding yourself about who you are, judge yourself and don't let anyone else judge you, and do the best you can, and tomorrow try a bit harder, just try and be comfortable in your own skin without buying into what everyone tells you is normal, and that might help.

Your post resonated with me @ThinkThings I didn’t want read and go.

I have worked hard and have done everything in my capacity to manage my low self esteem.

I have experienced a series of awful situations. I am currently experiencing another same. Life feels so unfair. However, I keep going.

Your early experiences are horrible for you. People sometimes can’t understand that such ingrained patterns are a stain that make up who we are. It’s there. We can cover the stain up but it will always be there.

Self kindness is absolutely the key. It is a skill we can learn. The skill doesn’t require the individual to pretend the stain is not there. It does require a courage that enables the individual to face the stain and live life.

’Yes. I am (self critical). Conversely I am also (self kindness). People may say (critical) but others will say (positive). I am human. The two counterbalance each other.’

I wouldn't say I'm totally confident or have high self esteem, but I'm getting there. For me the lesson was to be as kind to myself as I would a friend, to be as positively affirming of myself as I am my children, to be as gentle with myself as I would a sick relative, to be my biggest cheerleader and advocate, and not let people push me around anymore (and set strong boundaries). I view myself as somebody important in my own life. If I'm eating alone, I set the table the same as I would if I was eating in company. I wear my good underwear even though nobody is going to see it, and I often get better dressed for a day at home than I would to go out. I buy myself nice snacks and don't always share them, even with my kids! Sorry kids, but mums don't always come last! I view myself as somebody worthy of care and kindness and good treatment, and try to never accept less than that from others.

@ThinkThings
I have been where you are; I was puzzled and fed up and overwhelmed.

I bought the book Counselling for Toads... loosely based on the wind on the willows.
www.waterstones.com/book/counselling-for-toads/robert-de-board/978041517429(it was recommended to me by a human centred counsellor)

I would like encourage you to oook into mindfulness meditation, to help connect with the 'now' without judgment. Tara Brach is great for this, she has podcasts and meditations on Spotify

For me, counselling helped to an extent over the years however it cannot change the fact that we have the responsibility (fairly or otherwise) for our own journey, being active in that space, properly looking at my reactions, my beliefs,has changed my life beyond recognition.

Also the Coundelling for Toads is loosely based on Transaction Analysis, which prompted my post... I just forgot to mention it!

It's good you're wanting to feel better, that's your internal motivation, or 'stubbornness' saying that you want better for yourself.

What a great thread. I think I needed to read this today.

I have a tricky day to day work situation, with 2 close colleagues, one of whom is very unhappy in their role, one of whom is in a very negative, stressed place generally. I'm struggling to remain positive and these ideas will be useful to mull over.

I also know I have a very critical, negative inner voice quite often, thanks for this thread, it's food for thought and I really want to change (it's about time at 45!) so I shall follow with interest!

Self acceptance is often the first step, being really honest with yourself about who you are, what you do and don't value, what you are and aren't good at, and therapy is a great place to do that but not the only place. Doing an honest self appraisal and then accepting all of yourself, good and bad, is not easy but it is so freeing. I found initially it was harder to say what I was good at than what I was bad at, but that has shifted over time. And the more I have said I'm good at x it's become easier than now than saying I'm bad at y. Then creating more opportunities to show and grow your strengths, and waste less time worrying about your weaknesses, but more time getting the support and tools you need to deal with those areas.

In a situation like this there are a few things I do/try to do

1. remember that feeling stressed in these situations is incredibly common, probably 80% of people there are as scared as you even if you can’t tell. Stops you feeling like a weirdo/failure.

2. remember it’ll be over soon - a self intro will be over in 30 seconds, a job interview will be over in an hour etc and then you can do something you enjoy. It’s not the rest of your life.

3. question how much it matters even IF people think you are acting the prat or whatever. As a PP said try to laugh if it does happen.

4. try doing some of the more chilled yoga where they’ll teach you to breath for calmness. You can trick your heart rate into slowing.

Hi, I went to see my therapist yesterday and she told me about ACT and the choice point.

I am divorcing an emotional bully and my low self esteem is hampering my ability to stand up to him and progress the divorce.

ACT is acceptance and commitment therapy. The idea is that each time a situation develops you have a choice point where you can either behave the old way, and this is hooked into all the previous negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours in your past. These actions are taking you AWAY from the person you want to be.

The alternative is to choose actions and thoughts that turn TOWARDS the person you want be, and is called unhooking.

I spent a bit of time visualising and describing the person I needed to be. What popped into my mind was a women (a la Black Panther) standing on an out crop holding a spear. Ironic as I haven’t even seen the film and I am a mature short white woman.

We talked about mindfulness. The poster who said think of it as a puppy who keeps bring you things you don’t want sounds like a good analogy. Also the poster who said playing the part of a confident woman helps. A young friend recently told that sometimes at work she thinks to herself what would a man say/do.

Look up ACT I think it would work for you as well. I am also working on trying to diminish my husbands power over me by visualising him as something small and irrelevant. At the moment I’m thinking a wasp might fit the bill.

If this works for me, then I will use it for all the other people in my life that I give too much credence to.

Even if you think a FRIEND (who you actually like) is being a bit stupid or pathetic I bet you wouldn’t say to her “you’re stupid and pathetic! Why don’t you just be less shit?”

because you would rightly recognise it’s not helpful or kind - what would you say instead?

This technique of talking to yourself like you would to a friend isn’t about seeing yourself as flawless, it’s about changing the habit of being rude and cruel to yourself in that internal voice.

Maybe look up the ‘three principles’ or the inside out approach to mental health.

Everyone will have those negative thoughts sometimes - but I think the key is not getting caught in them. Thoughts are just thoughts, they’re not necessarily (or even likely to be) true - think of them like traffic rushing past, along will come the number ‘you’re a useless failure’ bus -
you can notice it but you don’t have to get on it and go for a ride. ‘Hmm, right now I’m having lots of negative thoughts about myself and my mood is pretty low, that’s ok - it will pass’ type thing. You don’t necessarily have to do anything about it or ‘fix’ yourself. It feels like all the strategies and therapies and stuff you have tried end up being one more thing you can tell yourself you’ve ‘failed’ at?

There are some really useful principles in NeuroLinguistic Programming.

Things like - the map is not the territory. In other words, what you can see is not the whole story. So while you do your best, and allow for unknowns , there things you can't predict.

An old fashioned pep talk is good. Like a coach before a game. Ok chaps, this is going to be challenging but we can do it!

In my experience it’s very hard to stop being self critical - there comes a point that it’s such an automatic process you don’t even recognise you’re being harsh on yourself. The first step is to really listen to what you’re saying to yourself - the words you use, the tone of your inner voice. Would you speak to anyone else like that, and if not why not? Do you not deserve the same care and courtesy? If not, why not? Are you actually being fair to yourself.

Then you need to start challenging it - if you feel like you’re lying to yourself start asking yourself “what if I’m wrong”, eg what if you’re not all the names you call yourself, what if you are in fact doing the best you can with what you’ve got, what if you do deserve care and compassion?

Then every time you start giving yourself a hard time tell yourself to stop, out loud if need be. Look at the facts of the situation (eg I missed a deadline because it was communicated to me at short notice, I didn’t have all the information I needed, and I was feeling poorly. I did let them know the task would be late, and tried to get the information I needed, there wasn’t much else I could do). Try to look at both sides, the side that tells you you’re rubbish and the kinder explanation and always offer yourself kindness.

Its very hard, you need to be very intentional in your thought life and inner chat but it’ll become easier the more you practice.

Perspective: I am not the centre of the known universe. Most people crack on with their lives and don’t spend time thinking about me and my actions - whatever I do will hardly resonate with their day to day (and vice versa). I am extremely fortunate - there are so many people in the world vastly worse off than I am. I like myself, and my own company. There are some things I can control and others that I can’t - I don’t waste time fretting about what I can’t. No-one is perfect. Everyone cocks up sometimes. There are things I am good at and things that I am not. Whatever I do or don’t do, the world will still turn.

I am more annoyed with myself if I haven’t succeeded because I didn’t try, than if I haven’t succeeded but have it my best shot.

Great advice here. The book Self Compassion by Kristin Neff really helped me to stop beating myself up.

You can change. Trust me, you can, if I did it, anybody can.

I have been told I’m stupid growing up. I’m not stupid, I’m really smart, but I am dyslexic.
So I grew up thinking I’ll never amount to anything, because I’m not smart. Moreover, every time I knew I’m smart enough, I was expecting people to discover I’m stupid. Say, I knew how to change a tyre. I would offer to help, start changing the wheel, but expecting to not be able to, expecting others to go: you can’t change a tyre, why did you even say you can, look at you. I felt like an impostor. Although I was really good at changing tyres. That kind of thing.

It’s been a gradual process, but it started with I’m going to do this because it’s helping others. And surely, if you try to do something good, even if it’s not perfect, I wouldn’t be judged/insulted etc. And even if I did, I know I was trying to do good.

And one day I realised that people don’t think I’m an useless impostor. People don’t actually go out to judge others, unless they themselves have something not right with them.

HTH

I think thats a perfect analogy.

Hi OP.
If you were suffering from an illness like cancer, would you be asking random people on an internet forum how come they manage to stay healthy?
No, of course you wouldn't.
You'd be seeking out the best cancer specialists you could access and taking their advice.

You do have a serious illness but it's a mental illness rather than a physical illness.
I suspect that most people on her who haven't suffered from Social Anxiety have the foggiest clue how soul destroying, crushing and debilitating it can be.
You plan your whole life to avoid social/group situations which involve being seen, being heard, being the centre of attention.
Unfortunately, in real life we have to work and interact with people, and situations like your training day introductions will happen.

I suspect from what you have written that you suffered trauma as a child and that you are now suffering from PTSD.
Families, particularly parents, can be devastating for some children/babies.
Have a google for the Mumsnet thread 'But we took you to stately homes'.

If you didn't get your needs met as a child or you suffered abuse/neglect/rejection as seems to be the case for you then you end up traumatised.
As a child your life is totally dependent on your caregivers to survive.
The anger and rage you should have directed at your parents/siblings for not protecting you, you instead internalised as a critical inner voice.
Therefore, though it may sound counter intuitive, your critical inner voice is the best way to understand what you actually believe about yourself.
Until you listen to that voice you can't begin to understand what triggers the feelings of worthlessness.

The best book I found to address my critical inner voice is 'Combating Destructive Thought Processes: Voice Therapy and Separation Theory' by Robert Firestone.
Have a look at some of his videos on Youtube, also videos by Gabor Mate on trauma.

If you can afford therapy then please avoid CBT as it's not suitable for trauma.
Find a specialist trauma therapist or a psychotherapist who deals with trauma.

In the short term go to your GP and ask for propanolol. It is fantastic at taking the edge off your anxiety in situations like your training course.
Some people are paranoid about taking any medication but propanolol normally has no side effects, is not addictive and you only need to take it on the days you have a difficult social situation to face.
Good luck.