How did you learn to start standing up for yourself?

[Biologicaldonor18]

Is it possible to learn or am I destined to be terrified of conflict forever!?

What kind of conflict?

Age I was a right people pleaser when I was young by the time I got to 40 that was it. No bullshit accepted here. I’m still nice but I don’t slog my guts out for people who don’t value me or respect my contribution.

I think when I realised that my mother was extremely defensive and it was her way or you were given the silent treatment until you gave up trying to talk to her, I really saw her, like under a microscope, and I felt determined not be like that.

I find difficult conversations scary too though, but with my heart beating loudly out of my chest I try to have the conversation required.

I'm not sure if I was my age (around 40), or my divorce (same time).

Getting past 40.
Taking up kickboxing. (Seriously.. done wonders!)
A little bit of mindfulness type techniques… and mumsnet advice… “calmly state the facts” is a great line to foreground.
It’s a work in progress for me too.

I'm really really bad at it, but I find I'm better in written word than face to face so if I need to be strong and firm I will try and put it in writing.
If I have to do it face to face I will try and make sure I've got a lot of information behind me. Try not to get dragged into an argument, that's how they blindside you with something you don't know how to go against. State your point and then stare over their shoulder. Keep your voice calm.
Customer service has got me good at the 'non apology'. -
"I'm very sorry you were upset by that"
"It wasn't my intention to offend you"
"Im sorry you feel that way"
"I apologise if you feel upset"
These can help to create a distance and stop you from feeling personally responsible for whatever it is you are having to do or not do.

I'd be much better if my face didn't go bright red all the time.

Two things started me: The Royle Family, and a specialist midwife debrief after a dreadful first birth.

The Royle Family sounds weird, I know. It was a tiny thing, but very influential for me: the mum said "No" to characters several times, but with no anger, no aggression, no apology. And the other character remained a friend, or the family love remained despite the no. It made me see saying "No" very differently, even to people you cared about.

The midwife gave me explicit permission to say "No" to anybody and anything. Which I did, when in labour with dc2 a few weeks later. And my "No" was respected.

I suppose I learned the power of No, and my right to say it.

From birth. My parents are strong minded, I’m strong minded and so are my children.

It’s just genetic in some families.

Yeah, getting over 40 helped. I grew up with a mum who is fantastic, but she did err in being very 'Oh, compromise in relationships when people get difficult, just makes your life easier' and I think that's not the right example.

DH grew up in very confrontational family and on the times he gets angry I used to get very intimidated and apologetic, but Iearned a) he often didn't really mean stuff he said when angry and b) it was not setting a good example to my kids if I always capitulated to the angry person. So now I fight my corner more - and I'm always glad when I've done, even on the occasions (and there have been some) when I was in the wrong because I misunderstood what the issue was. The important thing is I made a stand - and I do apologise if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

I've always been quite good at standing up for myself in other scenarios - for example, as a very small woman I get quite annoyed when people think they can intimidate me and I find that standing up to them surprises them so much they back off.

Strong minded is an unfair term - I'm very strong minded. I'm a confident, intelligent woman who does very well at work and at home. But I find conflict difficult, I don't think that makes me weak minded.

It's a tough one. Conflict makes me very anxious. I avoid it where I can. However, I've promised myself that avoiding conflict doesn't mean I tolerate people being awful. I will withdraw, I will state my feelings on a situation, but won't be drawn into arguments.

In my job I come across so many people who love nothing more than a good argument or holding a grudge, regardless of the consequences for them and their business. I find it baffling and indicative of a low IQ or a personality issue. Sometimes both! Maybe my reluctance to be drawn into conflict is an attempt to distance myself from those people.