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Ex has told the kids they will be to blame if gf miscarries

5 replies

blackheartsgirl · 03/11/2022 17:39

Ex has told kids that it will be their fault if his gf miscarries because of the stress my girls are apparantly causing her.

my ex has always been an arse, doesn’t care about anyone apart from himself, was abusive to me and at times the dds., drifted from unsuitable relationships after we split and now he’s back with the mother of his eldest 2’children and she’s now pregnant with his child, her eighth (yes really)

my dds have had to endure trauma after trauma, lost thier beloved stepdad, and my mum having cancer, me with my health issues and now him acting like he is. They moved in after 4’weeks of being together and seemed amazed and upset that
my 15 and 12 year old were understandably reluctant to stay at theirs and were told they were causing stress and anxiety ti the gf. My girls cannot have a conversation without the gf and one of thier daughters present and neither can I. We are out in loud speaker and all The messages we send are shared.

my dds have backed off from thier dad for now but it doesn’t stop the ex and one of her daughters from sending them horrible messages through text messaging.

they’ve blocked them on social media but the gf and thier daughter will use his phone to message them and cause shit.

what on earth do I do?

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 03/11/2022 17:47

Tell your DDs to block their numbers and inform your ex that if they continue with the harassment you will get the police involved

RedWingBoots · 03/11/2022 17:47

Either block the phone numbers the messages are coming from on their phones or change their phone numbers.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 03/11/2022 17:47

At 15 and 12 they are old enough to decide not to see their father anymore.

Block all contact from him and the women and other children he’s associated with.

Move on with your lives.

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CheekyHobson · 03/11/2022 18:01

It's really sad that you are going to have to teach the girls about how to have strong boundaries with abusive people when they are still at an age when they should feel unconditionally loved and supported by all adults in their lives, but I suppose there are some advantages to learning this young.

The first step is to sit down with them both and let them talk about how the whole situation with their dad, his girlfriend and her other daughter makes them feel so you understand it clearly. (You may have already done this.) I imagine there may be elements of wariness about the new relationship and how long it will last, anxiety about the arrival of another child, fear and guilt that what their father is saying could be true, anger towards their father and the girlfriend and daughter for their actions, hurt that their father and others are so unkind to them, disappointment that they don't seem to be able to have the comfortable loving relationship with their dad that they would wish for, etc.

Next, ask them what, in an ideal world, they would want to be the situation. Perhaps they'd like to visit regularly to build up the relationship but not stay there until they feel comfortable, perhaps they want a break from contact, perhaps they would be happy to stay if they feel they can be assured of kind treatment, etc. Try not to get your feelings involved here, really look for what they want.

Then, help them compose an email to their dad saying exactly how they feel and what they want, in a respectful, non-blaming way. (eg "We feel hurt and anxious when you say we will cause a miscarriage because we don't want to come and stay yet. It feels like you are trying to force us to do what you want through guilt and fear, even though we are not comfortable with the new situation yet. We would prefer to let things settle down, spend some family days together but not stay overnights, until we feel comfortable again"). An email is good because you can be detailed about exactly where your boundaries are, eg "We do not want to be sent any more messages telling us how horrible we are. We will not reply to messages that are disrespectful."

If the girls are mature enough, they could have this conversation with their dad directly, with you present as support. Again, you would need to be there as backup and support for them as they express their feelings and needs, not to project your own onto them or to say blaming or accusatory things to your ex (as I know this can be very tempting).

Of course, your ex may not be capable of behaving in a respectful, responsible way that genuinely takes your daughters' feelings into account. In this case, you will have the hard task of helping them understand that some adults really can't respect others, even their own children, and it is not their fault or responsibility. Their responsibility is to respect themselves and their own feelings, and take care of their needs. If that means taking a break from their dad for a while, so be it. Once he can start to treat them with care and respect, then they could look to re-establish the relationship.

blackheartsgirl · 03/11/2022 18:19

Unfortunately it’s got to the point where it has become impossible to try and negotiate. At first I tried to be accommodating, communicate and responsive, tried to ask if the girls could spend time with just thier dad but was told a flat no, we all spend time together or not at all. The girls were accused of wanting special treatment which wasn’t true! They just want to have a relationship with dad!

I’ve stopped all overnight contact (backed up social services) as my 12 year was witness to a violent argument between the pairnin the early hours a few months ago and it badly affected her to the point of needing councelling and dd was then accused of over dramatising the situation and stressing the gf out.

I’ve had enough. I will definitely sit the dds down and have a further chat about boundaries etc. I’m so angry with the fuckwits I really am

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