To not know how to go back to work like this

[astridforty]

I’m very slowly recovering from an illness that has left me with partial facial paralysis. I’ve been signed off sick but due back shortly.

Although there’s been some improvement I still can’t move my right eyelid - no blinking, uncontrollable watering, my nose is flat on one side and my mouth only moves on one side so speech sounds very distorted (to me, other people on the phone say it now sounds OK) but it’s jarringly visible when speaking in person as only one side of my mouth moves.

Eating and drinking is still problematic/ can be messy and I can’t drive on medical advice.

I genuinely don’t see how I can return to my super busy, external customer facing, zoom meeting heavy( all cameras on) work. I feel hideously disfigured.

I don’t answer the door, the phone and on the couple of occasions I’ve left the house for medical appointments I’m horribly conscious that people are looking at my face. I don’t want friends or family visiting as I just can’t stand being scrutinised for changes.

There is no real reason I couldn’t sit at a laptop at home, maybe with a couple of adjustments for watery eyesight. There is a school of thought that my condition is caused/ exacerbated by stress so arguably best chance of recovery is more rest.

Recovery timescales are estimated 3-9 months.

Is my mental health/ self confidence enough to warrant being signed off again? This illness has really shaken me and I don’t quite know what to do next.

That sounds really tough. It would certainly sound to me like grounds for further sick leave, however, are you able to picture how you would feel at the end of that? You don’t want your confidence to be shaken further by staying away from others, although I can understand why you feel it is currently very hard to face others. I very much doubt people are analysing it as much as you are, though - don’t forget most people are only thinking of themselves most of the time. Would it be worth accessing a counsellor within the next couple of weeks, to chat through your feelings and develop some coping strategies? It certainly sounds like you’ve been through a lot and maybe it would benefit you. I wish you the best.

Yes of course it does. You are having a rough time and I hope you feel better soon but be kind to yourself in the meantime and get signed off

That sounds really difficult and upsetting OP, perhaps you could do a little bit of both. See if you can be signed off for a little longer (another month maybe?) but then use that month to see how you might be able to return to work. Speak to a counsellor? See what reasonable adjustments could be made at work for you?

I think if you're just signed off with no plan then you might actually make the problem worse as you will have bene 'out of the loop' for even longer. Sending very best wishes to you, hope you're much better very soon.

A similar illness happened to someone I know, but they were in a small team not a customer facing role with lots of zoom meetings. They did recover fully but it took several months.
It doesn’t sound right that you should be thrown back into that kind of working day just yet. How understanding is your manager and how much do they know about your current condition?
I’d say you should be signed off again, not for mental health but the condition itself. It hasn’t resolved yet and if you have problems eating, drinking and speaking, surely you are not fit for work (i.e. the particular work you do).
Do you have an Occupational Health Department? If so they should be on this. You might be assessed as fit for alternative duties but not the customer facing role.

Is it Bell's palsy, you don't have to say.

Anyway I would definitely get signed off.

If you cannot close your eye you are at risk of infection and corneal injury. This is a health and safety risk and you really need eye drops, special tape to keep your eye closed and possibly a patch. I know from personal experience of Bell's Palsy many years ago, that it is important to protect your eye. You would be much better to stay at home.

If you want to return, it certainly sounds a reasonable case for a graduated return (there's a proper HR-speak term for this, but it escapes me).

From my perspective, staying off work when I believe I'm capable of work does have a bad impact on my mental health. But then so does going back too soon and too fast.

I'm not telling you how to feel, but I want to share my experience. I had an autoimmune illness that left a permanent change to my face. For months I wore my hair hanging forward to try and hide it because I felt the world stared at me whenever I went out. I felt ashamed of my vanity at caring.

After about a year I decided that this is the face I've got and it's up to me to love myself. I started pulling my hair back and wearing flamboyant glasses.

The condition settled with treatment, though, as I said, it has left me with permanent changes. I look back at photos of the time and all I feel for myself is pity for myself that I felt so ashamed. It was awful.

But, you know, since I stopped hiding I've realised that nobody stares at me. Children will occasionally be refreshingly honest and ask me about my face. It's ok.

I'm me and I'm OK.

I hope you reach contentment with both work and your recovery. Take it easy and don't feel guilty about needing to look after yourself.

I have had facial palsy, sending sympathy your way, it is very difficult. Are there any adjustments that could be made to your job to help you manage? Or could you take some more time? When I had it, I worked from home for a while and didn't put the camera on but that worked ok for my job, sounds like yours might be different. Take time if you can, when your face is affected it all seems so personal and difficult. Wishing you well.

Have been been referred to occupational health? You certainly either need significant adjustments or a longer period of sick leave to aid your full recovery from the sounds of it.

If I was your manager I'd be suggesting counseling through our work assistance and further time off, with a phased return to work.