Work/baby despair

[AutumnLea]

Didn't know what to post this under so apologies if wrong topic.

It's a bit long.

I've been back at work 3 months after mat leave. DC is 11 months. In that time I've had to leave work to collect him from nursery 6 times. I have no other childcare.

Today he's got a rash which nursery think might be chicken pox. The pharmacy isn't sure what it is. Neither is the GP. Basically we have to wait and see how it develops. I have no idea when he'll be able to go back to nursery.

Work are understanding but I think this is now too much time off and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to work if I'm constantly having to let them down.

I can't see clearly what I'm supposed to do here. Accept it's not possible with a baby? I don't want him to miss out on socialisation at nursery. I don't want to start again from scratch jobwise in a couple of years time. This cannot continue though and I'll be shocked if I'm not facing a disciplinary when I get back.

I can't see any other option than to leave and let them get someone who actually will turn up.

What do I do? Someone tell me they've been through this and somehow worked it out. 6 times in 3 months is a lot isn't it?

Is there a partner or husband on the scene?

what exactly have you had to collect for? do you feel they are genuine reasons? would you be able to catch up some hours from home?

I was also going to ask if there was a partner or husband around.

If so, get them do the pick-ups and make sexism work for you. Men generally get lauded at the office for being good dads if they drop everything to look after their kids. There's even a study somewhere that says there's a fatherhood 'bonus" and that men tend to get raises and be more successful after having kids.

Obv that's assuming there is a DH/Partner, and they work an office-y type job. I know this doesn't work if they work on an oil rig or are deployed somewhere.

Can you WFH at all? Make up hours in the evening? Those are both things I've been able to do.

It’s really difficult. If you’re a single parent then I’d forget nursery for such a young baby, there’s no socialisation benefit until they’re over 2 anyway, and if funds permit get a nanny who can still look after baby when they’re mildly unwell. If that would be a stretch then a childminder simply because it’s a smaller germ pool. If you’re not a single parent then your partner needs to start taking 50% of the time off.

Reasons are:

1. Wouldn't drink milk
2. Cough (needed covid test)
3. Temperature
4. Temperature
5. Temperature
6. Rash

I think they maybe overreact a bit to things.

Partner and I are separated he absolutely will not do any childcare (and couldn't pick up anyway to be fair as works several hours away).

Not a job I can do from home, customer facing and when I'm not there the office has to close, that's the main problem.

So you left early to pick him up - did you then make up the time?

Don't just up and resign out of guilt, that's silly.

Explore all your options for managing this differently.

To add, there aren't any childminders locally, had considered that option before. Really think I'm stuck here.

Have offered to make up time, manager has been absolutely amazing about it all and told me not to worry, I just think it's going a bit too far now.

All of those are legit pick up reasons except maybe the milk one.

Have you widened the search area for a childminder to include near or en route to work rather than close to home? Could you afford a nanny?

Ok, so your work are fine and supportive - probably because they are keeping in perspective that this is a temporary situation that you are handling professionally and in the long run you remain a valuable employee.

I think you're completely overreacting and self-sabotaging to be talking about quitting your job over this.

Wouldn't drink milk is a bit odd, the others standard, and the way it goes in nursery unfortunately. At least when they start reception they'll have had all the bugs!

Don't leave your job because you feel futility though.

*guilty

Yes, no childminder near either work or home unfortunately. 100% can't afford a nanny, struggle even with nursery.

Sorry to be such a downer on everyone's suggestions. I really am grateful. I've just racked my brains for weeks now and gone over any option I can think of. I can't see any.

I just feel so horrible about it all.

And you're probably right that I would be self sabotaging to give up now. He could go the next 3 months being perfectly fine.

Maybe I'll see if I can have a chat with my manager and see if there's anything they need from me I'm not already doing, sort of a way I can fix it from their point of view.

Well of there’s no alternative to the nursery then that’s that. The first winter is going to be brutal, hang on in there and it will get better, promise.

It's always worse for the first few months when they start nursery so I would try to give it a bit longer and see how things work out. I ended up taking a couple of months off when my son took very seriously ill. Yes not ideal for the workplace, but that's life, you shouldn't have to give up your job and financial security because you have a child.

My DD is 13months and I feel the absolute same. She’s been in nursery since August and so far hasn’t done a full week. Have picked her up for D&V twice, temperatures etc and had to make the decision to keep her off when she’s clearly unwell with a cold and falling asleep on her feet. It’s really hard and my employers are clearly getting annoyed with it. I’ve told my husband he needs to do the next few so I can show my face at work.

it’s really hard but I think it’s just one of those things when they’re so new to nursery, I’ve started being firmer with them and if say I know she’s teething I pack her anbesol and tell them to give her teething powders but if she’s cranky, that is why and I cannot pick her up unless she’s unwell.

sounds like your boss is supportive so I would just stick at it, it will get better and then they’ll hopefully never be sick again!!

Thanks everyone, you've lifted my spirits a bit. I'm going to speak to my manager when I get back and see where we are in a couple of months.

I think all you can do is be apologetic and contrite with your boss, grit your teeth and get through it. It will get easier. My DS had an ear infection, impetigo, and conjunctivitis in the space of three weeks. That was fun!

Hi there
im sorry you’re experiencing this. Going back to work after a baby is super overwhelming for so many different reasons. You are only three months in and by no means expected to have your sh*£ together yet!!

I’ve worked in HR for 10 years and often support maternity returners and managers who are experiencing similar situations so I firstly want to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

it sounds like your manager has been supportive so far which is great. Often the best place to start is a really frank and open conversation. My recommendations would be:

• ask for a meeting with your manager
• explain how you are feeling with the pressures of childcare and work absence
• explain that you want to work together to find a solution
• ask for feedback on how they are finding things
• ask to create a plan for any potential absences that are childcare related

most good employers will support a level of emergency childcare requirements, equally please remember your little one is new to nursery setting and it’s expected that they will get colds and flus and all the grim bugs that they bring home, these days will happen and it’s unrealistic that us parents will be able to go 365 days without taking time off here and there!

you are juggling a lot, all parents are in there own way, and returning to work is a huge step so keep going you will be doing the best you can even when it doesn’t feel like it! - have the chat and I hope it gives you some fresh headspace to consider some options that help x

I run a business and we have two women there with children, and one on maternity leave.
I would say, chat to your boss. Explain how hard it’s been and say that you love your job but you realise how hard it is for the business with the repeat time that you’re having to take off.
I think most bosses realise that the early years are a pain for sickness etc and that if you’re a good employee, it will get better. One of our women has been with us for 6 years and used to have to take off more time when her daughter would get sick but she’s older now and I can’t remember the last time we had the emergency 7.30am call!
Equally, when our woman on maternity leave comes back, I know we’ll be in for a period of sudden time off. I understand, I have kids too and remember the early years. If you’re a great employee otherwise it will make much more sense for them to look after you rather than find someone else.

It will get better. My DS was consistently off sick for the first 3-6 months, but after that he’d caught most things and it all settled down a lot. Now it’s maybe once a month at best (he just turned 2).

@HVBeg this is great advice, thank you.

Thanks to everyone who replied, this has been a really encouraging thread.

I have thought of some extra efforts I can put in work wise which will hopefully go towards making up for this temporary unreliability.

Feeling much more positive than yesterday.