I'm not the same person since DH died

[Dryoven]

And I don't know what to do about it.

We never lived in each other's pockets, I have my own friends, interests and good career, so I'm in a better position than most.

It's been 18 months and on the face of it I'm OK. I'm doing lots of social things (keeping busy) and turning up to work, but I get so easily overwhelmed. I'm finding
running the house on my own really stressful, even though I would have said I'd did most of it before without anyone to share with. I'm finding adult children's distress really hard, DH is the person I'd have gone to to help them. And work, I just have no interest, find it really difficult to make myself do even the bare minimum and whilst initially people were very supportive, I feel I'm now getting on everyone's nerves by not being the super contentious/proactive person I used to be.

And I don't know what to do.

No advice just <flowers>

I could have written your post. I lost my dh last year and whilst day to day I’m trudging along inside I’m feeling empty

fir me time is decided into Before and Now and I don’t feel like the same person. How could I be.

I also find that friends glaze over when they see or hear from me, even though I’ve stopped talking about dh, and it hurts

I am in the same position as you so sending you hugs, I lost my DH in July last year very suddenly, and part of me died with him that day
i try to socialise and upkeep busy but you still have to come home to an empty home and all the memories. It’s so bloody hard. I have an asd son who is grieving also so I keep going for him.
i know what u mean abt people dropping off, at first everyone rallied round but a year on drifted away…

I'm very sorry OP 💐

There's a lot of evidence that the second year after a bereavement is harder. In the first year you are propelled by shock, support from friends & family, and counting in weeks & months.

The second year is when it becomes 'permanent'

My DM cared for my DGM & DF who died within a year of each other. My DF had a horrible illness & difficult and ultimately unexpected (at the time) death. She coped fairly well initially. She then had some health concerns herself & Covid hit. I've noticed a big change in her, and fully recognise what you say about being unable to support your adult DC. My mum is the same.

She was doing everything before my DF died, but his loss has changed her as a person. She also has very deeply held feelings about a lot of things which she finds hard to share.

She is very reluctant to travel or visit her DC (even those that live close by). She has a wide network of friends so has a lot of opportunities for social engagement which is good.

But she's somehow 'not there' in the sense of being part of our family in the same way.

I think the only solution is time. Life won't be the same again; it's about shaping a new 'normal'.

If you can, opening up to your DC I think is important.

Regarding work, you are doing the best you can, which is enough, and you don't need to be so hard on yourself.

Wishing you well. 💐

You have lost your Life’s companion. That’s not something that you ‘get over’ in a couple of years, and society is foolish to expect it.

all I can say is, that other people in your situation have told me that it does get better. You start to remember and celebrate the good things, and the grief loses its edge. But it takes time. When my OH had a major operation, the consultant told him they reckoned a month recovery for every hour in the theatre. I think that loss, and grief follow a similar sort of pattern; but it does get better, slowly, slowly.

Look after yourself. I wish you well.

No advice really but just to say that I think these feelings are very common when you're actively grieving. I picture bereavement as a heavy fist coming down in the middle of a completed jigsaw, sending all the pieces scattering everywhere. The picture is never going to be the same again but in time, you will be able to create a new, different one. 18 months really isn't much time at all. Maybe some grief counselling could help?

My DH died 18 months ago too. I still find every day hard e.g. last week I had to go to an outpatient appt at the hospital where he died and that upset me a lot.

I agree that friends/family don't want to hear about it any more.

Are youpart of any bereavement groups. I've found a good friends in WAY who totally understand why you still cry yourself to sleep every night! Its been a huge support.

Just do what you can do with work. No point wasting precious emotional energy on worrying about that.

I am so sorry for you loss.

If I am honest, I think the death of someone close to us, does change us. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes not.

My mum died suddenly last December. That’s nothing compared to losing your life partner. In some ways the changes have been good. I am less self conscious as an example. Less afraid of bad things happening.

But I know I am short with people more than o used to be. I have less capacity to perform social niceties and engage in small talk. Things at work that would have seemed bad before seem like they don’t matter.

It’s a long road and don’t think you can be unchanged by it.

I wish you well

I agree that friends/family don't want to hear about it any more.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I would gently check this tho - my mum often says this. It's not true. We are all happy to listen. What's hard for us is when she withdraws & says nothing (or worse in my mum's case, can be quite hurtful about what's going on in our lives, often serious and difficult things) and says there is no point in talking.

It's of course up to her and while for many people, they move on & maybe don't ask as much I think there is a core group of friends / family for most people who will be there & want to be.

That being said, I recognise that it's hard to talk to people if they don't 'get' it. Not the same but I went through an abusive marriage & am still going through court proceedings to finalise matters; most people haven't a clue what it's like & so I don't talk about it, it's easier to deal with myself.

I'm so sorry for everyone who has lost theirs life partners. It's a very particular loss that only you can know, other people can empathise but not fully understand.

Very much this.

Year 2 is still the first stage of grief. It’s different for everyone, but as you pass the 2 year point you may start to feel a bit better.

I would consider seeing a therapist just so you feel supported in this process. You may be doing fine at work, but if necessary you can talk to HR.

It’s been 3 years since my DH dies and only recently to I feel more proactive, I am still grieving for him but things are feeling less of an effort, I have also not socialised much and actually want to do it sometime soonish. Hope that makes sense

@Dryoven
have you had bereavement counselling? I am doing it now with sue Ryder, my counsellor is lovely and it’s a space wher I can talk about my memories and feelings with no judgement. It has helped me keep his member going xx

memory bloody auto correct

I relate so much to what you wrote. The second year is harder, in my own experience, and I've heard many say the same. I'm further along but I'm not sure I will ever be the same. However, I am adjusting over time and finding the new me. This is probably not helpful but I hope that knowing someone else understands and has gone through the same maybe helps you feel a little less alone in how you feel.

Sending lots of love your way OP and to everyone here who has lost their loved one.

I find being in natural surroundings very therapeutic - woodland, the sea, watching birds on the garden feeder and squirrels scurrying through the trees, whatever is convenient.

Cats and dogs can also be great companions.

None of these make the pain go away. But they can remind you that it's very much still a beautiful world.

💐

Yes, absolutely. Actually I was thinking about "why now" when I was finding things so hard in the last few days and have realised that I was making an effort to get outdoors often, which has changed with the shorter days.

Big hugs, @Dryoven
It's been 15 years since I lost my DH. It DOES get better, honestly. As others have said, the second year is when reality hits - the first year is just numbness & tears all the time.
I try to make him proud of me - moving house, kids growing up, etc, & I know he's always with me.
I never remind anyone that it's his birthday, or the anniversary of the day I lost him. Others forget & move on - all we can do is try to move forward. Have you tried any widows' forums? The one I used has closed now, but it was an absolute lifesaver. The american ones were the best, in my opinion.

Finally - I feel blessed. He loved me. Not everyone gets that in life.