Would you change nursery in this situation?

[minijoi]

I can't work out if it's the nursery or if it's how I'm taking in the information regarding my DD that's the issue.

DD has been going to the same nursery for almost a year. She's almost 3.

Every so often, they'll comment on things my DD is doing or is not doing.

They might say:

' she's snatching a lot '

' she's not sharing nicely'

' she wants to play with other kids, but doesn't quite know how '

' she doesn't listen to us sometimes '

' she can't explain herself very well '

I get really concerned every time they mention stuff. We discuss what they do to stop these behaviours and talk about what I do to stop these behaviours at home. We talk about how I support her language development at home and how they can encourage her there etc.

When they ' assess ' her in the 0-5 early years thing, they say everything is in normal range. But they never say anything positive about her. I'm starting to worry something is wrong with her. She speaks a lot at home, but not as much there, for example.

Is it me ? Do I over worry ? Or would you also worry about your child if they always told you negative things ? When I ask them if they think we need to take any kind of outside action or if she is behind, they say no. When I ask if it's normal for kids to snatch etc, not share etc. Not listen, they say, it's absolutely normal.

Can anyone else shed some light ? Does your nursery always say negative stuff about your child?

I think it's normal to bring up issues throughout the school years with parents, and occasionally a nice well done. Who do you have the contact with? It's good if they also send out positive info such as observations (do they do this digitally or at a parent consultation?) to let you know of any achievements your DD may have made. But I don't think it's odd that are bringing up issues you can help with at home and letting you know of them. I'm sure they do this with all parents. I would keep her there if she's happy and it's only till September. If it's another year and 3/4 then maybe move her somewhere a bit more relaxed if you want more positive feedback. Every nursery will have its pros and cons. This one sounds like it is 'on the case' of kids, which can be a bit much if they are picking on everything, but equally there are some parents who think, 'I'm paying a lot for this and I want my child stretched, behaviorally, socially, academically.' I prefer to work in more relaxed environments.

It sounds they might not quite get her. Is she happy there?

I'm not sure she's happy there. She always cries at drop off, unless there are two staff members there when I drop her. She happily goes to them, but she's moved room and doesn't seem to have that bond with anyone in the new room. She was happiest going in the summer too because she went outside a lot and that's her favourite thing to do.

But other than that, she cries. She never talks about nursery and if you ask her whether she wants go to nursery she always says no. Whereas if I say, do you want to go to uncles house or whatever - she always says yes to that..

She won't start school until 2024. So it's still a while until then.

Poor wee thing. My dgd cried a lot going to nursery but as soon as she started kindergarten at age three (we live in another country) she loved going to school. If you possibly can, I would move here to another nursery or a childminder.

I'd change in a heart beat. That's not a positive way to talk to parents. You've got to wonder if this negative view of your daughter is reflected in their interactions with her.

Move her if you can.

Id change after being there that long and is distressed going still. I would change in a heartbeat.

It's tough because I don't have anyone to talk to about it to compare it to. I've talked to one other mum and she said they said similar stuff about her daughter a while ago and it made her really worried too. But then things got better. With us, there have been some comments and then for a while not many comments and recently a lot of comments.

I referred to my dgd suffering in nursery, but when my dd was in nursery, she loved it, loved her teachers and her friends.

I would love that.

My DD1 was settled at nursery then suddenly when she moved classes she was inconsolable, running away from the door at drop off, clinging to me etc. She really was terrified of one staff member and I had to move her. I still don’t know what happened.

I think it would be one thing if you had issues and DD was happy going in, but if you’re both not happy it’s time to look for somewhere else. My DDs behaviour and language improved enormously within a few weeks of starting at her new nursery but IDK if she just hit a developmental milestone.

Aw that's sad. I'm glad it worked out when you moved her. My DD seemed reasonably settled in her old room, when I would drop her off and the two staff members she loves were there, she wouldn't cry. She still cried when they weren't there.

In her new room, she's been in there all of September and October, she cries and clings to me and doesn't seem happy. I don't feel like there are as many staff members in the new room. There is only ever two of them and so many children. Perhaps she just hasn't bonded as much. In her old room there were more nursery staff, so perhaps they had time to bond. Not sure. I'm getting a bit frustrated and upset with it all. I have found a new place anyway, so I think I'll move her asap.

Move her. She sounds unhappy there and it sounds as though they don't even like her. Poor kid.

Could she not go to a childminder instead?

I'd never tell a parent anything negative about their child's behaviour without then saying something positive afterwards, or at least explaining why this behaviour could be occurring. I wouldn't necessarily have an issue with the staff wanting to talk to you about anything they feel commenting on but never saying anything positive is just ridiculous. If they're never saying positive things to the parents it makes me wonder how they speak to the children

I haven't found one and have decided on a nursery linked to a school. It seems less chaotic with fewer children, plus a lot more outside space, which is her absolute favourite place to be etc. Hope it's the right choice and they'll communicate better and find ways to bond with her better.

My DD just loves being outside and also playing hide and seek/ catch / catch with a ball/ dancing and playing with dolls / kitchens and that kind of stuff. She's not massively into sitting down and reading at the moment, but she does like drawing and painting. She does recognise numbers and letters correctly.

She may have a speech / language delay, slightly, but I'm not sure yet. She's at the stage where she will point out what she sees and talk lots about that, but doesn't answer questions much, if that makes sense ? She answers if you ask her what she'd like to eat for example. But she won't yet tell you how her day was at nursery or if she has friends there. Etc. She's able to follow instructions well, when you ask her to get stuff etc. She'll be 3 at the beginning of February.

That's interesting. They never do that. Only negative stuff.

I get so worried about her. She seems a different person at nursery. They keep saying she doesn't speak there much etc. She is always chatting at home. I guess she's probably more comfortable at home etc and that can be quite common. But I think the communication between parent and nursery isn't working well for us. I hope it will be better somewhere else. Because of course I want to know what's going on with her and I want to know if there are issues with her and we want to help her. We don't want to be over sensitive about the feedback and I would hate to be one of those parents who are I'll not accept their child is anything less than perfect. But to only ever hear negative stuff, or predominately negative stuff, is quite upsetting - unless they actually think there's further issues we need to help her with formally. But they don't seem to think that.

I have a DD4 in nursery and the transition up to the pre-school room (which it sounds like is where your DD is) has been the hardest one. The age range of children can be from just 3 to almost 5, and the ratio changes so there are fewer staff. It’s a big change, and took my DD quite a few months to settle in.

Can you ask for an appointment with her key worker and say ‘I am concerned that at handover we seem to only be discussing problems DD is having, is that representative of her whole nursery day or a small proportion of interactions?’ Have a really honest conversation about this and see where it goes. You can even say you’re wondering if DD needs a different setting and see what they say.

My DD really dislikes a particularly nursery staff member, we’ve never been able to get to the bottom of it but will cry at drop-off if it’s to this person. If she is upset I almost always get an observation popped up an hour later with a picture that shows she has settled in. A good nursery will want to reassure you she is happy and developing well there.

Yes that's where she is exactly.

They've said stuff to me like: 'when Amelia and another should have an altercation and I ask what's happened, Amelia can't tell me what's happened, but the other child can... '

I'm not surprised Amelia can't explain what happened.
Amelia isn't there yet with her language. Perhaps the other child is, or the other child might be four years old and Amelia is only 2 and a half. She's one of the youngest in the preschool room.

Her new nursery will be a room of 2 to 3.5 year olds. They move to proper preschool at 3.5 years old. Maybe that's better for her, than being in a room with almost 5 year olds.

My DD can’t always tell me or a teacher what has happened with accuracy. That’s normal, sometimes it’s a stress response, sometimes they can’t find the words, sometimes they weren’t paying attention etc etc. The conversation you’ve quoted does sound unnecessarily critical. I’m also not sure it’s entirely legal for a 2.5yo to be in a preschool room with higher ratios. The new setting seems more appropriate in its groupings.

They said that on her first day of preschool....