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Original poster

Being early 30s, age gaps & attraction

13 replies

janeseymour78 · 01/11/2022 20:36

I just turned 31 and want to start dating seriously again. My serious ex was a year older but since then I've dated 2 younger guys (the first was 4 years younger and the second 2). The problem is that my physical type has not changed since my 20s and I look about the same as I did at 26 (both my parents look about a decade younger - blessing and curse!).

When I joined a dating app a fortnight ago I decided I need to go for someone older & more mature, so set my radar from 28 up to late 30s. But there are so many older looking grey haired or bald guys (yes I know how it sounds!), lots have children and I'm not attracted.

Now through a hobby I've met a great guy I feel a connection with. Good looking, smart, kind and I think 4/5 years younger. All I can think is, here I go again. I don't know how to change this about myself and know I should be dating guys in their 30s. Do I just need to bite the bullet and go on a few dates even if I'm not crazy about their photos?

OP posts:
Afterfire · 01/11/2022 20:41

If you don’t fancy them you don’t fancy them. (The older guys). That’s ok. I was the same. I met my dh when he was 22 and I was 31. He was back living on his mums sofa having left university, he wasn’t happy and wanted to just get a job. I was a divorced mum of 1, my dd was 6. I didn’t want to get with anyone who already had children - I had enough to contend with my own ex! Anyway we just hit it off (online dating) and it went from there and we’ve now been married 15 years with a 10 year old of our own…!

I think age doesn’t really matter. Not at these sorts of ages anyway. No one would bat an eyelid at a 20 something woman going out with a 30 something man.

JamSandle · 01/11/2022 20:43

Who says you need to go for guys in their 30s? Go for who you're interested in! Enjoy x

Scianel · 01/11/2022 20:43

Just date who you fancy and don't overthink it. It's not like most of them get any more mature 🙄 so they might as well be hot.

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JamSandle · 01/11/2022 20:45

Scianel · 01/11/2022 20:43

Just date who you fancy and don't overthink it. It's not like most of them get any more mature 🙄 so they might as well be hot.

I second this! Age doesn't equal maturity with men - it's a total myth!

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 01/11/2022 21:03

Afterfire · 01/11/2022 20:41

If you don’t fancy them you don’t fancy them. (The older guys). That’s ok. I was the same. I met my dh when he was 22 and I was 31. He was back living on his mums sofa having left university, he wasn’t happy and wanted to just get a job. I was a divorced mum of 1, my dd was 6. I didn’t want to get with anyone who already had children - I had enough to contend with my own ex! Anyway we just hit it off (online dating) and it went from there and we’ve now been married 15 years with a 10 year old of our own…!

I think age doesn’t really matter. Not at these sorts of ages anyway. No one would bat an eyelid at a 20 something woman going out with a 30 something man.

Hi @Afterfire - this is great to hear!

I feel like I just turned 27 yesterday and suddenly I'm meant to be dating age appropriate people when my type hasn't really changed!

The elephant in the room is fertility/having kids. I'm definitely open to it & wouldn't date someone who didn't want them (also seems to be a lot of these on apps?). But also know this could be an issue dating younger.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 01/11/2022 21:05

janeseymour78 · 01/11/2022 21:03

Hi @Afterfire - this is great to hear!

I feel like I just turned 27 yesterday and suddenly I'm meant to be dating age appropriate people when my type hasn't really changed!

The elephant in the room is fertility/having kids. I'm definitely open to it & wouldn't date someone who didn't want them (also seems to be a lot of these on apps?). But also know this could be an issue dating younger.

Show quote history

It doesn't need to be an issue at all. Many women have younger partners. Just enjoy, have fun, be open minded and see where things go. You could also fall totally in love with a 30 something who look 25 🤣

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 01/11/2022 21:08

Scianel · 01/11/2022 20:43

Just date who you fancy and don't overthink it. It's not like most of them get any more mature 🙄 so they might as well be hot.

😁ha ha. So true!

OP posts:
Dippydonky · 01/11/2022 21:19

Im 4 years older than DP, and his parents have a 10 year age gap!

I actually think the older we get the smaller the gap feels….. e.g. the difference between a 4 year old child and an 8 year old is massive, but if you met two people, one 74 the other 78, the difference doesn’t sound as big.

Also, age doesn’t determine maturity! Some younger people are much more mature than older people. And statistically women live longer so maybe there are benefits to having a ‘toy boy’!

AcrobaticActuary · 01/11/2022 21:26

If you want to have children in the next couple of years then realistically you need to focus on men your age or slightly older: babies are going to be far from the minds of most men in their mid twenties; and pragmatically, surely you want somebody who’s your equal career and finances wise, which again will exclude a lot of younger men still building theirs.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 01/11/2022 22:50

AcrobaticActuary · 01/11/2022 21:26

If you want to have children in the next couple of years then realistically you need to focus on men your age or slightly older: babies are going to be far from the minds of most men in their mid twenties; and pragmatically, surely you want somebody who’s your equal career and finances wise, which again will exclude a lot of younger men still building theirs.

I know this in theory. In reality the men in that age group so far don't appeal and recently the only one I've connected with lately happens to be younger. He's got an excellent career already and very ambitious. I suppose I'll meet more men if I keep putting myself out there.

The truth is that I struggle with this as I don't feel particularly broody/desperate for kids but I know this might change and I could regret my choices in a few years.

OP posts:
WhatAboutGiraffes · 01/11/2022 22:59

I’d go with the hotties. If one of the twenty somethings is on the right page about life, career, babies, wouldn’t it be better to find them by looking in the right direction than to end up with someone older who you’re only lukewarm attracted to? Especially when some men in their forties still aren’t ready for kids so their age is no guarantee on that front.

SunnySomer · 01/11/2022 23:10

I met my now husband when I was 32 and he was 27 (20 yrs ago). He’s always been far more successful than me professionally in spite of his serious youth. I wouldn’t worry at all about whether they‘be achieved enough in their career yet - attitude is far more important.
we did leave it a bit late to start a family - but that affected the number of children we had rather than whether or not we had them at all.
so in your position I’d go young every time 🙂

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 19/11/2022 18:24

Well I saw him last night and upped the flirting a bit. Touched his arm and our legs kept touching under the table repeatedly.

I also pressed my hand against his chest at one point which was a bit bold but he didn't seem to mind😂but also didn't exactly seem to GET this meant I was flirting.

It's tricky on hobby groups like this because often there are other singles looking for relationships. There's another single woman I think he might have hit it off with - it feels a bit competitive. I haven't given up yet!

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