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Original poster

Did I get this wrong?

26 replies

DailyEnergyCrisis · 31/10/2022 18:51

Not sure if I got this one right- views welcome! An acquaintance (another school mum) contacted me this morning to ask if her and her two DC can come trick and treating with us this evening as she felt out of her depth going by herself. My oldest child likes hers, and they play at school so I said- ‘yes sure, no problem- our street is good for trick and treaters’.

About 30 minutes before we were due to meet she messaged to say she would be bringing two extra children that she’d agreed to take too- her oldest child’s friends that neither of mine know. I mentioned this to my oldest one who decided they’d rather go with just me and younger DC rather than hang out with people they don’t know. I felt this was fair enough really- sometimes I have days I can’t be bothered with new people and the dynamics were suddenly very different from being a group of four kids who know/like each other. I messaged the mum to let her know- I did apologise for plans not working out this time.

The school mum then said her child was very disappointed and didn’t really seem to get my child’s point of view on it- suggested it was something they needed to ‘get over’.

Perhaps relevant is that we’ve hosted the child for 3 or 4 play dates which have never been reciprocated so I don’t feel I ‘owe’ the mum for any reason. We’re on ‘chatting at the school gates terms’ not friends or anything.

Should I have insisted we stuck to the plan of all going together? I was feeling slightly stressed about it all as I don’t love knocking on doors and my kids asking for sweets and my youngest is allergic to loads of things so I need to watch them like a hawk. My oldest is the one who really wanted to go so I wanted it to be an enjoyable experience, not awkward.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2022 18:53

YANBU!
she changed the plans without checking. She was rude.

ladydimitrescu · 31/10/2022 18:53

I wouldn't have changed the plans tbh, I don't think two kids extra for trick or treating is a big deal - not like they'd be hanging out the entire day.

CuriousCatfish · 31/10/2022 18:56

2 more kids wouldn't have made much difference. It's not like the other mum wasn't going to be there.

YABU

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Outtasteamandluck · 31/10/2022 18:58

I can definitely see both sides.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable.

Original poster
DailyEnergyCrisis · 31/10/2022 18:59

It wouldn’t have made much difference to me, but my DC who I was going for wasn’t keen on the new set up- and I didn’t think there was much point going if they weren’t going to enjoy it. I didn’t feel like insisting they had to compromise what they wanted under the circumstances. Would have been different if they were actual family friends I think.

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 31/10/2022 19:02

Damn it ate my post. You are both being unreasonable and you shouldn’t have disappointed those poor kiddies.

BagOfBollocks · 31/10/2022 19:02

YABU and I would've told my kids they were BU too.

Allsnotwell · 31/10/2022 19:02

I think you aren’t very welcoming and this has rubbed off on your child!

The run up to a house grab sweets - they aren’t playing together or anything! Hardly change anything.

But then I’m a nudge up and make friends person.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 31/10/2022 19:03

The trick and treating was in YOUR street/area and the woman has the cheek to not only want to tag along with you but also bring extra children!

Perhaps she should consider that the people in the street expect visits from the children in their street and nearby not bloody strangers rocking up for freebies!

You were entirely correct to not want to spoil the enjoyment for your own children.

3487642l · 31/10/2022 19:04

I think you handled it really well.

Your child has just been shown they don't need to be a doormat and accommodate other people's wishes at the expense of their own. As a result your child is less likely to be posting on MN down the track asking for advice about their abusive relationship that they can't see is abusive.

Original poster
DailyEnergyCrisis · 31/10/2022 19:06

I think I probably am pretty welcoming as a person- have a lot of friends, regularly host people and help friends/neighbours/other mums out. I just chose to let my child decide what they wanted for this evening, on other occasions I’ve said they needed to suck up a social situation that they weren’t loving if there was a good reason.

OP posts:
MistyFrequencies · 31/10/2022 19:07

YANBU. She is.

Original poster
DailyEnergyCrisis · 31/10/2022 19:08

Thanks for all the views- very helpful. I’m probably a people pleaser in remission so the affirmative posts are appreciated (as well as those disagreeing, good to have the balance).

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 19:10

I think YABU because your child wouldn't have cared if you hadn't given them the choice

been and done it. · 31/10/2022 19:12

Have to say it annoys me immensely and always complicates things when people decide to move the goal posts at the last minute. It's on her not you OP.

Original poster
DailyEnergyCrisis · 31/10/2022 19:14

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 19:10

I think YABU because your child wouldn't have cared if you hadn't given them the choice

They genuinely would have done- introvert tendencies and like to know what the plan is/who’s going to be there. They’re not extremely shy or anything, and I think lots of people feel like this- but I’m aware of it and want to balance testing social situations with familiarity.

OP posts:
soundsystem · 31/10/2022 19:15

3487642l · 31/10/2022 19:04

I think you handled it really well.

Your child has just been shown they don't need to be a doormat and accommodate other people's wishes at the expense of their own. As a result your child is less likely to be posting on MN down the track asking for advice about their abusive relationship that they can't see is abusive.

Yep this!

Your response was fine - perfectly polite. You had a plan, she changed the plan, it didn't work for you anymore and you politely told her that. Role modelling healthy boundaries and manners for your DC

Faultymain5 · 31/10/2022 19:16

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 19:10

I think YABU because your child wouldn't have cared if you hadn't given them the choice

How do you know that. The child might not have cared, then again the child might not mentioned caring.

i wouldn’t have mentioned it, but I’d definitely feel awkward. A personality trait the OP is likely to be aware of.

The child was given the opportunity to make their own decision and they did. Hope they enjoy their evening.

DearOohDear · 31/10/2022 19:16

YANBU , she was joining you , she shouldn't be bringing additional children unless it was originally agreed, very bad form

Kite22 · 31/10/2022 19:28

been and done it. · 31/10/2022 19:12

Have to say it annoys me immensely and always complicates things when people decide to move the goal posts at the last minute. It's on her not you OP.

I agree with this.
It was the other Mum who moved the goalposts - and quite a long way. You had already accommodated her quite late in the day, which changed the dynamics from being just you and your dc.

RosieSpark · 31/10/2022 19:52

I think she was pretty rude about your child considering her own feelings are the reason she wanted to go with you in the first place. How would she have felt if you'd told her that feeling out of her depth was something she "needed to get over"?

Original poster
DailyEnergyCrisis · 31/10/2022 20:19

RosieSpark · 31/10/2022 19:52

I think she was pretty rude about your child considering her own feelings are the reason she wanted to go with you in the first place. How would she have felt if you'd told her that feeling out of her depth was something she "needed to get over"?

Yes I thought that was out of order too. She also said her child was now gutted and maybe they could accidentally bump into us anyway.
I feel a bit apprehensive about seeing her at school and I can imagine feeling the need to defend my DCs choice if she raises it.

OP posts:
Epicstorm · 31/10/2022 20:28

DearOohDear ·
YANBU , she was joining you , she shouldn't be bringing additional children unless it was originally agreed, very bad form

Totally agree. Well done OP.

HappyBunnyNow · 10/03/2023 04:30

What you did was fine, my kid is quite shy and doesn't do well with last minute changes of plan especially when it's something they have been looking forward to why should your kid be distressed and forced into a last minute change of plan if their not comfortable with it. The other parent should understand that kids are different.

HappyBunnyNow · 10/03/2023 04:31

d'oh "they're"