MIL and autistic DC clashing

[CanYouGetUp]

My DD is 11 and autistic. MIL lives a long distance away so when we see her it's for a few days at a time (at our house or hers).

MIL is loving and an interested grandparent. She likes to keep in contact with the DC through Skype calls every couple of weeks.

However she has always struggled to know how to interact with our children. Our other DD, who isn't autistic, finds it irritating but can deal with it for the short bursts we see her.

Our autistic DD has always found MIL's communication style really overwhelming and stressful. Over the years me and DH have tried to help MIL adapt how she communicates with DD but she hasn't taken any of it on board.

No one else in our extended family has any difficulties with interacting with DD. They've all learnt to give her time, not bombard her with questions, chat about the things she's interested in. All quite straightforward stuff.

MIL just can't seem to get it. We saw her at the weekend at it was really unpleasant for both her and DD (and us).

I honestly don't know what else to do at this point. DD is actually trying to advocate for herself, saying to her "why are you asking me so many questions about X?" She's even suggested other things she likes to talk about but MIL still doesn't adapt what she's doing.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Hopeful bump

Try giving them something to do, baking, art etc…. Then they’ll be busy and hopefully MIL won’t ask as many questions!

You probably won’t like my answer but not everyone is capable of accommodating or understanding neurodiversities and your dd is probably learning some very valuable skills and values from interacting with her gm.

I talk it over with my dc, so they don’t internalise the problem and understand that some people can’t adapt or shift gears, or that people can be a difficult but we can still love and value them.

We totally have this problem too! My DS7 is autistic and one set of his grandparents are Irish so very chatty and friendly (the other are Scottish so much more reticent!). We also only see them when they come to stay for a week or so or vice versa so it is a very intense experience for DS as they are in his personal space. He has completely flipped out about the constant questions in the past and trashed the house when granny tried we to look after them. What we do is just keep trying to explain that he finds questions stressful and to give him plenty of space and time on his own and to let him come to them/start a conversation himself. He does love to see them but man it’s hard they are coming next Sunday and I’m dreading it!

@Boggydog Im Scottish and chatty & friendly! Bit of an offensive generalisation.

I think you need to give your poor DD a break from visits and only DH and /or other DC go for a while.

If MIL asks where you and DD are politely remind MIL that DD finds her questions confronting, I think you need to protect DD instead of trying not to hurt MIL’s feelings

Gosh sorry I meant no offence! My side of the family are quieter more reserved does that sound better??

You probably won’t like my answer but not everyone is capable of accommodating or understanding neurodiversities and your dd is probably learning some very valuable skills and values from interacting with her gm.

I think it’s not just that. Some people just don’t really know how to best interact with children, neurodiverse or not. My dad is a bit like that. He’s quite stoic and talks to my 4 year old as if he’s 40 😂 maybe your MIL is a bit like that. But as said above kids do learn from that. I second coming up with some practical activities they can enjoy together, there’s less need for conversation then.

Any chance MIL is autistic and thus struggling to adapt her communication style?

That aside, we had issues with one set of grandparents and understanding boundaries (when I say don’t hug or kiss my autistic child, don’t talk about school and please stop trying to take his photo, I mean it) but they’ve learnt to listen over time and having seen the reaction it causes. Put your daughter first, event if it means being very blunt or spending less time with MIL - I won’t let my son be distressed to spare adults feelings.

I think it's really important for autistic young people to understand that not everyone can or will adapt their communication style. I mean, you'd hope it would be a given with their grandparents, but it really isn't.

Talk to your DS about it so he doesn't think it's his fault and give him some strategies. How would she react if he said 'I can only do 5 questions in one day Granny?'. I've taught DS to say very politely 'I need to recharge my social battery now, excuse me' and he then goes up to his room. Tbf, it might mean limiting visits to your house so that your DC actually has somewhere to go. But yeah, if MILs not getting it now she never well, so DS needs strategies to deal with it.

Your MIL sounds like my FIL, @CanYouGetUp - apparently when dh and his brother were children, the only game their dad could think of to play with them was running. He literally made them run up and down the garden - it didn’t even occur to him to wonder if they were enjoying it or if there was something else they might enjoy doing. To be honest, he is still the same - it is nigh on impossible to get him to change how he does things. It isn’t nastiness, in his case, it’s more that he is in his own little bubble, and that bubble is a degree or two divergent from the real world.

Having become a granny for the first time earlier this year, I can’t imagine being like your MIL - to me, it is obvious that you have to relate to the child on their level, whether they are neurotypical or neurodivergent. It may be harder if they are neurodivergent, but my aim would be to have the best relationship I can with the child, not to make the child interact with me on MY terms.

One of the best replies I’ve ever read on here.

Thanks so much for the responses, I really really appreciate a bit of solidarity. The suggestion of doing an activity together is good.

DD used become incredibly distressed when she was younger and MIL wouldn't stop getting in her face and "directing" her. At least now DD is able to verbally express that she's overwhelmed, but it's not really listened to.

In response to a suggestion that it's teaching DD that not all people can adapt to neurodivergent communication needs. I think DD already knows that! She's advocating for herself to MIL and saying what she's not comfortable with. She's removing herself from the conversation. She's actively avoiding MIL. She's telling me how annoying and frustrating she finds MIL. DD is making all the accommodations at the moment and MIL is making none.