Weird family situation re dad. Can anyone give me some advice?

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Posting in chat as it is potentially a little outing and I want this to disappear, but also because I desperately need advice from people outside of this situation, because I simply cannot get my head around how I feel!

To cut a very, very long story short I have been looking for my biological father since I was a teenager (am 40 now), and a week ago I finally found him. In the excitement - and perhaps without sitting and thinking it through enough, I sent him a brief message, telling him about myself and leaving my email in case he ever wanted to get in touch.

Well, he did the same day and was completely and totally overjoyed! Beyond himself really, when I had fully prepared myself to be told he wanted nothing to do with me or ignored completely. However now I feel things are moving much too fast - we have now spoken on the phone and he is so happy and sentimental, but now I just feel so detached and disassociated that I want to go back to the way it was before iyswim (although of course I don't think that is true deep down) I am just so completely confused about how I feel - I contacted him at the end of the day!

I can't bring myself to say 'dad' or 'I love you' or any of that, despite him saying those things and I just feel like it is all too overwrought and emotional and I really just want to go to sleep for a month. He is elderly now and I have caused him all of this disruption just to actually be unable to feel anything other than complete detachment, what is wrong with me?? My reflection seems weird to me now I know what he looks like, and I got so used to just belonging to my mother, does that make any sense at all? Am I just being overly dramatic?

Can someone please help me make sense of why I feel like this, does anyone have any advice?

It’s fine not to call him dad, and it’s fine not to love him - you haven’t even met him yet !
Take it slowly.

I'd imagine your feelings are completely normal. Wanting something for so long but then being faced with the reality. It's turned your life upside down very quickly.

When I get "all messed up" I try and simplify things. In this case I'd do two things..

1. Make sure the first meeting wasn't too long and
2. Do it. He's elderly and none of us know how many chances we will get.

Then see how it goes.

Hmmm

I wonder if the goal was always to find him, but you didn’t think about what would happen after?

Just go slow. Start with coffee for a few hours, then just go from there. I’d imagine this will bring up all sorts of feelings

Well done for finding him though!

I think the problem is he's doing the opposite of this, which while lovely and positive has made me feel very very detached, and I can't make sense of it. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience if I'm honest. I can't sleep or focus on anything, meanwhile he's sending all these lovely messages telling me how happy he is and I just feel so horribly guilty!

Hey, that’s a lot to deal with! Sounds like you were expecting to have some time to prepare and psyche yourself up and it all feels out of your control.

Would you consider talking it over with a counsellor?

Yes I think I was so excited at having found him that I acted impulsively, taking no time to really examine all possibilities, but I was so, so sure he would just ignore the message and block me!

DH suggested a counsellor today, as I am clearly not coping well and feel like I'm in a manic state about it all.

Well you need time to process it all, it's going to be very overwhelming.

Can you tell him you can meet in a couple of weeks, just for a short while? That'll give you a little while to get your head together before then.

Don't be rushed, take it at your own pace. Be honest with him, I'm sure he'll understand.

I highly recommend a counsellor. A good one can really help you make sense of things.

I've used one twice (about 6 sessions each time) and it's been extremely helpful.

Well he lives far away, so a physical meeting won't be on the cards for a good while regardless, so maybe once the initial emotion is poured out we can talk and get to know each other more naturally? I think I'm just feeling so overwhelmed at his happiness!

Oh op this is totally normal and understandable. It can feel like a huge step to identify bio family never mind make contact never mind get a response. I think the best way is to take all pressure off it. You don't need to say anything that doesn't feel true for you. You will both have had different experiences around your upbringing and will process that in different ways so it's natural that there will be things he feels comfortable with that you may not and that is okay. For now it's great that you've made contact and discovered that he's open to contact. You are allowed to take time with this too decide what you want your next steps to be and it's also OK to acknowledge that it feels a little overwhelming with him as well so he knows that you need to take things slowly. Yes he's your father, but he's also kind of a stranger so there will be a period of trying to get to know each other and figure things out. The most important thing to remember is that there is no one right way to do this. Just trust your gut and move slowly as feels right for you. You might decide that you want to do a bit of counselling alongside to help you process with a totally neutral person and help you figure out if there is anything you want from him or to say to him or ask and when the time would be right for that. Just because he is your father doesn't mean you need to feel a certain way towards him that doesn't make you detached necessarily either. It's just a big step and you need to give your head and your heart time to catch up. I hope it all works out for you though no matter what direction you decide to take it in.

I have experience of adoption and finding biological parents.
The process is slow, measured and still very very overwhelming.

It does need to slow down and settle within you. Perhaps drop him a note to say what you’ve said here - that you are overwhelmed by it all unexpectedly and just need some time before you come back to him.

Tomorrow is another day, you won’t feel like this forever, but you do need to allow yourself some breathing space.

The good news is you have finally settled that burning question about whether he will be interested. You’ve had that question whirling around for 40 years, it will be very strange - a total shift- to have an answer.

You're possibly freaking out because he loves the idea of you rather than YOU as a fully rounded person. Parents do love their children unconditionally so that's just what he feels. Relax, you don't need to do or say anything back that you don't want to. If you feel numb that's perfectly ok.

I just don't want to upset him as it was me that reached out, so I'd feel terrible backing off now! I'm hoping it starts to feel more natural after the initial shock dies down.

Yeah, no. I met mine and made sure there was no way for him to find me. After meeting I decided he wasn’t someone I wanted to know, so that was it. He had walked away from me as a child, and never tried to find me, so turn about seems fair.

As someone who was adopted and searched for years for my bio mother, I get it. While I was searching she was just a mythical person, not really real and therefore I had no 'feelings' for her, just a compelling curiosity. On the other hand my bio mother had had a child she'd fiercely loved for 2 weeks and then been forced to hand over to strangers so, for her, I was a tangible being and a real memory. It's an unequal equation. Bear that in mind and be gentle with him and yourself.

Do you mind telling us whether he knew you existed? If so had he ever lived with you?

With respect, fuck him. He has contributed zip to your life so far, 80 or not he's a big boy and you owe him Nothing. Don't feel pressured to fake anything. Feeling detached is correct - you don't know him. Whatever happens between you going forward, you grew up without him and he can't undo that. You look after yourself, take it slow, respect your own boundaries and prioritise your own needs. If in doubt do nothing. Good luck xx

He knew I was out there but never lived with me, so obviously there's some bitterness in me about the fact he never reached out or tried to look for me etc.

A woman on the long lost family programme felt exactly like you, OP, overwhelmed at her bio dad saying he loved her etc. She took a massive step away from him then very gradually approached him. It completely overwhelmed her and she insisted on slowing right down. Take your time, there is no need to go full speed. Do what you’re comfortable doing.

I met my biological father as an adult. I had lived with him briefly as a baby. He remembered me, and had / has strong feelings for me. I don't remember him, and don't have the strength of feelings that he does.

When we first met, he came on really strong. And he felt he had decades to catch up on. I found this really overwhelming and uncomfortable.

I didn't really say anything to him, I chatted by email and phone a bit, we met a couple of times. Then I kind of just sat with it at this level for a bit. We have an ok relationship now. He still has stronger feelings than me. He was really ill last year, and we nearly lost him, and while it sounds awful, I just didn't feel that emotional about what could happen.

I stay in touch with him now for a few reasons. He is a good man, and I want my children to know their family on that side. He is getting older and needs me, and I feel responsible.

My advice would be to just be kind to yourself. These feelings are natural in this situation. Speak to a counselor if you can. And just give it a little time.

Have a look through this website OP; I think they have helpline. I used them to approach my biological father (I'm 60 now so he was nearly 80!) - they can offer advice on specialist counselling. In my case I used an intermediary and he seemed quite keen on talking to her, but not so much me! I never actually had any direct contact from him which was sad. I think I would feel exactly the same as you though - like "WTAF have I done". Its a very odd and unsettling feeling so do try to talk it through with someone who has experience in this area.

Oops - THIS website: !!

www.pac-uk.org/our-services/adopted-adults/

Hey, nothing to add to the thread as such, but just wanted to let you know that stuff in Chat doesn't disappear any more, so you may want to ask Mumsnet to delete if you do want it gone.

I get how you feel.

When you didn’t know you who he was, your mind may have built up an imaginary picture and the reality has not lived up to the expectation.

Now it’s almost expected that you will have an instant bond and be father and daughter as if you had been all along.

But of course he is a stranger, there are no shared memories. His embrace is no different from any man in the street giving you a hug.

It now feels alien and daunting.

That is understandable.

However, given that he has not rebuffed you and wants to welcome you with open arms is a good sign and you can say to him that the excitement of finding him has now calmed down and you don’t want to rush things and would like to get to know him at your own pace.

You’re not being cruel, you are being considerate of yours and his feelings.

You may have absolutely nothing in common but this blood bond and after the initial joy of being reunited it could all end in tears if you don’t actually get along.

It’s better doe both of you to take your time over this. You know where he is, you’ve found him and that in itself is a goal you have achieved in satisfying your curiosity.

Your dad needs to understand that he can’t have an instant daughter and a bond has to be developed slowly.

Good luck to both of you.

Thank you all for the advice and understanding. I think I will look into a few sessions with a counsellor to try and unpick how I feel about all of this. I do feel though as a poster above said, that I think I'm uncomfortable because he loves the idea of me and of having a daughter rather than me as a person, as he doesn't know me. It's just a lot to deal with all at once and I'm struggling so much more than I thought I would.