A completely different person after moving abroad :(

[StarsHallowx]

Hi all, I don't know what topic this thread would be best in!

I'm a 24 year old who moved abroad to another country in April and honestly my mental health has taken a dive. I moved with my partner for work and I honestly feel like a different person.

• I constantly worry about what others think of me (never this extreme), but for example, whenever I visit home I keep thinking one of my friends will have an issue with me or my partners friends will that I wasn't aware of, and they're waiting to see me to tell me. (This has never happened in the 5 times I've visited!)
• I keep worrying the issue they'll have will impact our relationship.
• I keep feeling like I can't have private messages with ANYONE incase they share them with others, and usually unsent/delete them just to give myself peace of mind.

The relief here is that I'm aware this is all irrational and not realistic at all, but I can't stop ruminating or feeling dread every single day. I keep feeling horrendous as if someone is out to get me, I mean I've explained this to friends and they have to remind me I'm not in a movie!! I wait for it everyday.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice :( x

Anyone?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Can you get access to therapy? It sounds like you need some support.
How is your partner with you?

@SouperNoodle I can, just finding it hard to find one atm! I'm in a non English speaking country and most therapists I look up have a full waiting list. I will try again!

He's really great but I refrain from telling him most of it as he doesn't understand or doesn't exactly know how to help me. He tries his best but just doesn't get it x

It sounds as though this move has made you more anxious thannyou expected - perhaps more anxious than you are allowing yourself to admit perhaps? And this paranoia is how it is manifesting. It is food that you recognise its irrational but arguing with yourself all the time is no way to live. You should definitely seek some help from a medical professional.
It may be that you aren't as solid in yourself, or quite possibly in your relationship, as you needed to be to make this big move. No question you have made yourself vulnerable by leaving your old support system behind, and this is probably why you are anxious about getting it right with new people - because they and ytoir partner are all you have at the moment.

The question is, is this manageable vulnerability, that is part and parcel of growing and testing yourself, or is this particular situation just not right for you, at this particular moment.
See if you can find someone to help you work through this.

Agree with @ValerieDoonican completely. This sounds like anxiety playing out like intrusive thoughts, only those intrusive thoughts are this paranoia you’re going to do something wrong. I used to be very similar so recognise it.

Could you find an English online therapy session?There must be people offering private therapy online. There would have been lots of private therapists that moved to online during Covid and maybe some stayed offering that service. It would be good for you to have someone just to talk this through with, and especially without a language barrier.

Op moving countries is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. Think about what you are asking of yourself: living in a second language, removing yourself from your support network, leaving your job, moving homes, the list is endless, and it's all in one go. Cut yourself a bit of slack, it's no wonder your anxiety has spiked. Agree you need help to process it all.

An awful lot of therapy is now online or on the phone. Can you access online therapy from your home country?

You do need to nip this in the bud as you do risk spiralling. It has been a big move though. Give it time.

Poor you. I had something similar once - it did pass eventually and I can look back and see that the thoughts were silly, but I just had a horrible feeling of unease and yes, dread, for months. Can you do something calming for yourself each day? Get outside for a walk? Join a yoga class? Just something each day to 'centre' you. I'm sure it will pass but you need to be kind to yourself.

Thanks everyone. You're right. I'll get onto researching a therapist first thing tomorrow.

It's as if I've become completely obsessive of those back home in the UK. Constantly trying to make sure they're not mad, or maybe have just become friends with someone who doesn't like me. Really, really stupid things.

You are obviously really afraid of losing those links and connections and thats natural. But being so needy right make make your fear more likely to occur. So it would be good to talk it out.

The best way to settle in to life abroad is honestly to go home less often and have less contact and put that energy into your new life and lean into it. I found myself MUCH happier once i wasnt just killing time until i next went 'home'.

You also learn to accept that life there goes on without you and things will never be the same if or when you go back. But i found that although things were different it was ok different. You lose some friends and you gain some others but it all balances out.

That said i have relatives who have been abroad 30-40 years and still get home sick etc.

Do you have a job OP? Some expat friends? Are you learning the language? Fellow expat here so know how tricky things can be!

Glad to hear it's not just me! I am currently not working and I am learning the language, slowly but surely! It's probably down to free time - I've always been a corporate girl and at the top of my career path until I moved, it's been so tough!

I recommend this all the time on here but try the books of Claire Weeks, she explains why when you are stressed and exhausted you start to think irrationally, and how to work through it. I found it very helpful, also for anxiety and depressive thinking.

It depends on the country you have moved to as well. Is it very different from uK culture and is the language difficult to learn? I would suggest taking lessons in a class so you can meet other expats. Join as many expat online communities as possible, eg Facebook groups. Use those career skills to organise meet ups with any expats in your area. It really does depend on where you are and if you're allowed to work there. The ideal scenario would be find a job in an English speaking organisation such as an international private school or teaching English. Take lessons in the evening. It's important to be busy and to carve yourself out a role in your new life. Have you always had anxiety?