Accepting I won’t have a baby

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I am in my late 30s and have found myself in a strange place, emotionally. I am single by choice, simply because I don’t enjoy relationships. I have no desire to be in one and find the whole thing quite alien. I came to this conclusion after 20 years of trying to make relationships work because it is considered ‘normal’ and friends/family would often comment on my singleness. But I’m really not interested and if I had to put a label on myself, I’m guessing I might be asexual. I just have no desire for any of it.
I have also always been known as the one who doesn’t want children. And I never did, although I’ve always been strangely drawn to babies and the whole pregnancy and baby thing, but I just thought it was curiosity. In more recent years, I have developed a strong urge to have my own baby. I will spend a lot of time looking at baby clothes in shops and seeing mothers with babies and feeling a pang that I would like that. I pushed these feelings aside for so long and thought it was just curiosity, but I’m wondering if it’s more than that.
The problem is, I know it will never happen. For one, I am single and am not actively looking for a partner nor indeed want one, plus my age may well go against me now, even if I found someone. I haven’t told anyone about this, so my friends and family think I am still very much opposed to the idea of babies, and I feel I can’t tell anyone about this because it would just be such a shock to them and I’d feel stupid. How can you go from being a person who has always said they don’t want any, to suddenly wanting them? So I have accepted my lot, but there is a sadness inside me as a result.
Has anyone been in the same or a similar situation? Did it just get easier with time or will this feeling ever go away?

How can you go from being a person who has always said they don’t want any, to suddenly wanting them?

This part in particularly jumped out at me OP, because the reality is that many people have felt the same as you you are perfectly entitled to have changed your mind regarding children.

There are also avenues to explore if you would be prepared to raise a child on your own, if you feel you could do that.

I haven't been in this position but what you are feeling is very normal, biologically speaking. Don't feel stupid for having these feelings, after all we are hardwired to reproduce.

If you did want a baby there are ways. There's an episode of one born every minute where the woman was late 40s and used a donor. Having a new baby myself I can tell you that some of it would be quite hard on your own however you do sound very independent and it's definitely an option if you have good support around you (family, friends, doesn't have to be a partner).

If you decide not to do that then embrace your freedom. Think of all the things you can do! Holidays, sabbaticals from work to do a longer travelling stint, set up a business if you haven't one already, SLEEP WHENEVER YOU WANT (mildly sleep deprived myself here, especially thanks to daylight saving 🥲). There's so many things. Maybe join a child free group on Reddit or another forum and see what other people do.

I don't know if I've been helpful at all but please don't feel down about this. There are options and if you decide not to do that then there's still a fantastic child free life to be lived xx

Exactly as above says. I might have said "one day, years in the future" but then one year month on month it built and I wanted children NOW.
So I really think everyone around you would understand.

Are you interested in having a child on your own?

Do you mean you'd feel embarrassed to have changed your mind? If so don't worry. Having a child is probably the most life changing decision someone can make so that you've sat with the thought in your mind is actually testament to just how sensible you've been about it. Of course you already know this but you don't need to find a relationship to have a baby if it's what you desire. But I really do empathise with you and your thoughts on relationships - I often wonder how people do it because at times it seems completely alien to me also.

I have no experience of this so ignore me if I am way off the mark, but your focus seems to be solely on babies, baby clothes prams etc, not on having a child, a small human who would share your life and home for many years to come. This seems to me that it isn't really a child that you want, it's more a fantasy of an experience, the experience of birthing and nurturing a baby. As pp said it is something you can do if you really want to, but you need to put a lot of thought into what exactly it is that you want.

Thank you for your replies. Having a child on my own doesn’t scare me, but deep down I wonder if I would be judged by people I know. I’m in the fortunate position of having a good job with flexible hours and a lot of family support. We’ve not long had a new baby arrive in our family and I adore her but every time I see her I just wish I had one of my own. I’m very close to my mum and I wish I could tell her how I feel. I actually think she would be very supportive, but I do
think she would be shocked.

I’ve never voiced these feelings to anyone, so it has really helped to share it on here.

I felt just the same OP, but the desire for me to have one just overcame it all. In a way I was quite angry. I thought, life has not been that kind to me, all these happy people around me, coupled up (unlike you I did want a relationship, but don't really now as the time has passed) and I can't even have a baby on my own? Am I just supposed to carry on alone for decades more while those around me have fulfilled lives, just because I'm worried about how others will react?
As it happens my mum was supprotive, but my brother decided to go NC, a decision he's stuck to this day. Everyone else I knew, though understandably shocked initially, have been nothing but supportive. 10 years down the line it was the best thing I ever did.
Good luck in whichever decision you make, but it's YOUR life not others.

There is a Facebook group called Gateway Women which is for women who are childless not by choice - could be a helpful community if you decide not to pursue single parenthood. Best of luck as you try to decide how to proceed!

I'm in a similar situation I'm 32 and have to have a hysterectomy. I'm absolutely broken by it. I thought I had time....

I recommend you look up Jody Day and her network called Gateway Women. I had thought I would never have children due to circumstances and found her approach of dealing with it like grief helpful. That said, you never know what’s round the corner if you the option of having a child is there and wanted. All the best to you.

Have a look at the Donor Conception Network too - they run talks for women thinking about solo parenthood to discuss the issues that might come up, which might help you in making a decision.

Remember, this is your life, and you can't really worry about what other people might think so as to let their thinking run your life, especially over big decisions like this. Whatever you do has to be your choice alone, because you alone have to live with it.

I’ve been a single mum for most of 17 years to 2 kids . They never went without anything . If you want a child then use a donor and go for it . You will never regret it hun . I’m actually now with a partner , we found each other at 37 ( now 40 ) and we went in to have one more child . I never thought I wanted to be with anyone and honestly I was happy single and never looked . Life changed but you do not have to wait for a relationship to have a baby .

I was pretty anti kids until I had one of my own. I think it's quite normal tbh. I had a life that I didn't want to change and suddenly a switch flipped and I felt I needed a baby ASAP. It's definitely biological/primal and there's no shame in it.

I think you'll feel better discussing with your mum who probably knows you best too. It might be thought to get the words out but when you do you can really discuss options with someone who loves and knows you and has your best interests at heart

Sorry meant to say "it might be tough** at first"

Right into my late twenties I was 'opposed' to the idea of motherhood, in fact I hadn't realised I was broody until I got suddenly and unusually slack about contraception, became pregnant by accident and was immediately committed to having the baby. Its your hormones. But you have a choice to ignore it till it goes away, or act on it. A modern, western woman's luxury!

I was married buy didn't want children.

Then I saw a fabulous little lad in Sainsburys and changed my mind - just like that!

So changing your mind is so normal in my view!

I see lots of posters have offered you advice for your particular situation. Good luck whatever you choose.

I’d always been pretty ambivalent about it, in fact gone through periods thinking definitely not. Turned 31 and got married this year, and something has turned around in my head to really want to get trying! I think it’s very common to change your mind.
I was sad to read you think family would judge if you had a baby on your own. at least you’d know that going in, rather than being let down by an absent or rubbish partner!

Thank you so much for the lovely comments and all the help and guidance, I’m honestly a bit overwhelmed by the kindness shown! I was nervous posting about this because it’s something I’ve kept in my head for quite a while now, and to voice it makes it seem “real”, but I think the reassurance that it’s ok to feel this way has helped. I am going to try and pluck up the courage to speak to my mum about it in the next few weeks. Even if the parenthood route isn’t one I eventually choose to go down, I do think that someone in my life should know how I’m feeling.
Thank you all again, I really appreciate you taking time to reply.

I know this is an old thread. Are you me OP? I could have written your post word for word.

Therapy has helped me with my feelings around this. If you’re open to it it can feel like a real weight off to talk to someone removed from your family/friends. The therapist made me understand that it’s a normal biological desire to want a family especially in your thirties rather than something to be embarrassed about.

Unfortunately I won’t be able to have children (disability related rather than infertility) it something I’m still working on accepting.

Hope you were able to talk to your mum and do what felt right for you.