I don’t know how to be their mum

[Ginny1987]

I’m really struggling 😞

My two lovely girls. They’re 8 and 5. I love them with every bone in my body but I don’t know how to be their mum.

I feel like they are just ruling the roost. Im trying and failing to impose consequences but they don’t give a shit. I tell them not to do something, they do it anyway. I tell them
off, they go fucking mental and make out like I’m being mean to them (I don’t think I’m ever mean to them).

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to do with them. We go to the park, they have play dates, we do crafts together and everything is fine until they are asked to do something they don’t want to do eg go to bed or tidy up or take a shower. I am exhausted I can’t fight with them any more. Everything is such a battle.

You sound like a fantastic mother. I have a daughter like this so can relate. This is what I implemented when her behaviour was getting out of hand.

I'd say choose the things you know are non negotiables such as showering, tidying up etc. Tell them that they are non negotiables and as such are not up for discussion. Decide on a consequence if they refuse such as time out or removal of a privilege. Stick to this as a rule for yourself and them without exception, no matter if they say you're being mean, scream, cry etc. But also give them an opportunity to immediately choose to do the behaviour and regain the privilege or end the time out. Do not give them any emotional energy for misbehaviour. Just carry out the consequence as a routine.

If the consequences don't work at all or you feel time out is too young for an 8 year old (I personally dont) then you may want to check out the NHA approach (All Children Flourishing is a great book about it). Don't tell anyone but I use this approach on adults in my life who refuse to behave properly haha!

The unemotional consistent consequences helped my daughter behave better and me to keep my sanity. When it first started she kept saying things like 'you're being so mean' and 'you don't love me'. I didn't respond in the moment but when she had calmed down I told her I do love her and it is my job to help her in making good choices and doing the right things. She is less dramatic about it all now and her behaviour has improved. I also feel a lot less stressed.

I'll bet you have a really lovely close relationship with your girls. You are absolutely equipped to be the best mum to them, just one or two adjustments and things can change dramatically.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that. It’s so helpful x