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Original poster

Feel friendless this evening

12 replies

Xenapo · 29/10/2022 22:11

While I have old friends I keep in touch with occasionally and see maybe once a year, I don't have any close friends.

This used to be different but lockdowns, moving, general life changes and me burning some bridges have meant that's the way it is now.

Admittedly I could have made more effort with certain people and done things differently over the years but you live and learn. Most of the time it doesn't bother me as I have a busy work life and a DP but occasionally it would be nice to magic up some friends for the night.

I think I'm a big part of the problem as I like to keep people at arms length so even if a new friend potentially appeared I would be reluctant to get too involved and struggle to trust them beyond superficial conversation.

I have no issues striking up rapport and conversation but I don't like the idea of friends knowing my business. I've had bad experiences in the past as you can tell!

People have described me as having a wall in the past and being hard to read and they'd probably be right.

No idea how to improve and hopefully tomorrow I'll feel less sorry for myself.

OP posts:
Jellyfish85k · 29/10/2022 22:20

I have been feeling similar today. When we first moved to this area the other school mums involved me. We used to go for nights out, Christmas markets etc. I was good friends with one of them even and we used to go for coffee etc most weeks. She gradually ghosted me in favour of one of the other mums and i've just seen photos of 3 mums with kids who my son considers his best friends out doing things over half term and we weren't invited. My son will be devastated if he finds out as he's going through a low confidence spell and i'm left unsure what i've done wrong. Have you got any hobbys etc to make new friends? could you start to see old friends more?

Original poster
Xenapo · 29/10/2022 22:24

@Jellyfish85k Sorry you were ghosted, happened to me once too and really not nice. I think a lot of people probably feel this way after recent years.

I do have a few hobbies and do get chatting to a few people there so I could potentially make more effort. Same with old friends. They don't live close by so it's harder but I could do more. Sometimes I just wish I had someone nearby for regular texts and chats but I know that doesn't happen without some effort on my part too.

OP posts:
Jellyfish85k · 29/10/2022 22:30

I think i need to do the same, make more effort. But i do feel like i made effort being new to the area then having been pushed away i'm not sure i have the energy to try again and it's inevitable i'm going to be extra defensive next time. Told my son just to be himself and be kind and people will like him. Maybe i should follow my own advice! x

fleurdelee · 29/10/2022 22:40

Do you have groups of friends? I find a group chat makes me feel less lonely
You can post a meme or a photo of
Something from the day and get a chat going

VinoDino · 29/10/2022 22:51

This is me! I used to have more friends, be part of group chats but deep down I'm also a massive introvert who struggles with social anxiety and my 'close' girl group, I now realise, just didn't get that. I have a social battery that runs out, the complete opposite to them. Due to Covid, people getting married, having babies in the last few years and also realising that the people whom I thought were friends actually weren't, and were users, so I binned them off. No partner or kids here.

So I'm left with a smaller circle of friends but they are part of couples, have small people and have to wait until they are free to see me, rather than the other way round. I've also been told I can be 'closed'. I can't help it, it's the way I am.

On one hand it's rubbish, I get lonely, my phone doesn't go as much, I spend loads more time on my own, BUT, my phone doesn't go as much, and I spend more time on my own 😂 it's a love/hate thing. I feel a weird sense of peace though, which I didn't have before having more friends who weren't friends.

Not sure what my point is, just that I've reached a level of acceptance.

33goingon64 · 29/10/2022 23:18

I think it's lucky to meet a real soul mate - most friendships come about through shared circumstances e.g. Work or having babies or DC at school. There have been so many friends I've not tried hard enough with because I like to feel I can open up to someone and cut through the small talk and that's not so common - I find most people are a bit like how you've described yourself, not that happy to go deep. But I've had a few friendships where I just decided it was worth making the effort and over time it can develop. You have to make yourself a little bit vulnerable - it's a fine line between sticking your neck out and being a 'Teflon' type where nothing sticks.

EatingWormsMichael · 29/10/2022 23:25

I'm similar and I think you've diagnosed the problem - it mostly suits you to not have to devote time to nurturing friendships! The downside is that sometimes you crave company, but if you are anything like me, if I have too many weekends filled with plans to see people, I crave time alone at home!

Maybe see if you can plan a regular meet-up every month or every other month to scratch that itch?

Original poster
Xenapo · 30/10/2022 07:34

Thanks all, I think the way I feel is more common than I realised. I used to use an app called MeetUp when I wanted to socialise with people and that was quite nice. Not used it much recently as I moved to a smaller town but might investigate and do more

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 30/10/2022 08:05

You actually sound like lots of people I know. You don’t put the effort in to make and maintain friendship but then expect them to magically appear when it suits you.
Ive had friends where I’ve put in all of the work, contacting them and organising/arranging events. I then realised it was always me who initiated everything, so I stood back and never heard from them again.
It’s really hurtful; so if you want friends put in some effort.

Daisychainsx · 30/10/2022 08:32

Making friends as an adult is so hard. When you're a kid it's as simple as going up to someone and telling them your name, then 5 minutes later you're bffs.
I have a few good friends but they all live in different countries. I've recently moved abroad and other than a girl who is in a relationship with my dhs best friend, I have nobody (plenty of dhs friends but its not the same as having your own circle)€. I also have no idea how you're supposed to meet people as an adult. I was hoping I would meet people at a first time mums club but we just got a house and it's in the middle of nowhere so I'm not sure how many of these clubs exist! It's tough. But I reckon loneliness is a huge issue for a lot of adults, especially since covid!

fruitbrewhaha · 30/10/2022 09:13

The best times I have had in life are with friends. With my partner too and our circle of mates. We have parties, nights out with all of us or just girls nights out, we go away together. Life would
be pretty dull without them.

I’ve got friends outside of this circle too, through kids activities where we go out for drinks or drinks after the game. I also go to see live music a lot with other people.

life is about your connections with others, otherwise what is there?

musings22 · 30/10/2022 11:51

I hope you feel better today OP! I feel a bit like this too. I'm trying to make more friends and make more time for the ones I have but it's tricky as an adult

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