Would you guys help me learn how to affirm my boundaries at work?

[TheLightSideOfTheMoon]

Been there for about four years.

Somehow I ended up (I let them) being the person to call to come in if they were short staffed, staying overnight if they were short, staying on HOURS after my shift ended because people didn’t come in.

Half the time people weren’t even properly unwell. They were ‘tired’ or their mum’s neighbour’s dog had died.

Didn’t do me any favours. Colleagues saw me as ‘weak’, bullying quickly started and my MH declined.

I’ve been signed off for two weeks. Am a week into it. Am having a nice time, deep cleaned, decluttered, mindfulness, lie ins, lovely.

I do my 40 hour week over three days. I need to stick to that. Those are my ‘shifts’. Am happy with them, but don’t wish to pick up extra hours/stay on/do a random night shift.

I’ll get a doctors note for when I go back stating my 40 hours and 40 hours only.

But after that how do I do it?

I think I’m a ‘people pleaser’. I don’t wish to be.

I am tired, have poor MH and grown up DC. I want to put myself first for a while.

How do I be totally and utterly selfish while I sort myself out? And then medium selfish towards the NY when I’ve hopefully recovered and more back to my normal self?

Do you get paid for the overtime?

If not, every minute worked overtime reduces your hourly earnings.

Work is for money

Grey rock:

"Sorry can't"

Do not defend or justify.

Who is it that usually asks?

Yeah, £1 an hour extra for overtime.

But it's not selfish, it's professional. You used to work a different way saying yes to things you really couldn't sustain, and it ended badly. You KNOW the old routine ended with you signed off work sick, which was a very poor outcome for your workplace.

Clearly it's best all round if you stick to your contracted hours. (And tbh look for a job somewhere better, if that's possible).

I should add - this is the "business oriented" answer you have prepared.
"You bastards drove me to a nervous breakdown " is also a valid viewpoint but not, I think, the one to put forward at work...

You don't have to justify yourself but if it's your manager and it helps then you can say "I can't. I have an appointment" or (if you are happy to) "I'm happy to swap shifts with appropriate notice, but can't accommodate last minute requests".

If it's not your manager making the requests then tell whoever is asking you to take it up with the manager as the manager is responsible for staffing.

I’m quite happy to be open about the whole breakdown/depressive episode thing.

Maybe I should be out and proud about it?

Also, saying, “No, I’m post breakdown.” is a concrete excuse.

Well firstly you stop describing assertiveness as selfishness.

Secondly you value yourself enough to protect yourself by saying no. You can't expect other people to put your needs first if you don't even value them yourself.

That's not assertive, that's passive aggressive.

You think being assertive is about NOT feeling the need to justify your answer

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

Making excuses is not an effective communication style - and it invites people to try and change your no into a yes.

Please don't say that unless your employer is utterly fantastic at mental health. And if they were, you'd not be in this place.

My advice is that this is small notebook territory. On one page, what you have to do or are willing to do. On the next page, everything to which the answer is no. You don't need to explain your answers. This is employment not a deep personal relationship. If, and only if, you must explain, page three of your notebook is prepared answers - sorry I can't do extra shifts because my dog needs me; no, that's not possible because I have to fill my fridge; my motherhood is expecting me for tea so I can't.....

For starters stop seeing it as selfish. It isn't selfish to do your contracted hours. You don't need reason or excuses.

'No, I'm not able to stay later than my shift'

'That won't be possible'

'I'm not available that day'

'I finish at x time today'

What do your colleagues say when they turn down the overtime?

I find 'having other commitments' works really well. I also stay off all but the formal work communication channels (ie no group WhatsApp)
Setting healthy boundaries is a useful read. The thing with boundaries is that they are a thing you do, not just say. And you have to expect other people to up the ante to force you back into the way you were before. So you dont 'JADE' (Justify, argue, defend or explain) Simply, 'no, I can't' is good enough.
Sorry you're burnt out, and take this as your body telling you that you simply can't live like that any more

The thing with boundaries is that they are a thing you do, not just say
This was a big realisation for me.

I've always found if you give people a reason then they try to find ways around it because it suits them to keep putting the burden on the same people.

In the name of social niceties I like 'that doesn't work for me', with an added 'i have an appointment/existing commitments' if I think it will ease the social situation. There's no further discussion about the appointment/commitment because even the decision to have a restful evening is a commitment to myself and my family.

In one job I ended up being quite blunt by saying "I'm afraid I can't attend a meeting at Xam as I don't start work until Yam" or "I'm happy to attend this meeting. Shall we compare diaries to find a time within the working day where we are both free".

You don’t need to share your full medical details - it’s another kind of people pleasing - you want them to like you and not challenge you. If this is the kind of workplace where you get bullied for being ‘weak’ you do not want to share your mental health details.

If it’s easier to have an excuse while you are learning to assert yourself, just say you aren’t able to do any overtime at all for at least 3 months for medical reasons, and after that it will be limited. You have been off sick so it makes sense. If anyone questions it just grey rock - it’s being sorted, thanks.

Then do an online assertiveness course and ask your GP for a CBT referral. Not doing overtime isn’t selfish - it’s just you doing what’s right for you. Why would you do anything else? It’s the person who owns the company’s job / your senior manager’s job to deal with overtime management, that’s why they get paid more than you. If they want more people to do it, they need to pay more. Why would you solve this problem for them for no personal gain? You do it because it bolsters your self esteem - but there are much healthier ways to do that.

I’ve taught my husband that he doesn’t need to explain everything. He can just say “No, I can’t do that”. You need to do the same. Keep it short and sweet….you don’t owe them any explanation, and it’ll stop you giving too much detail or giving in.

You could always do what my DD had to start doing for a while. Lie.

"No, I can't come in, I'm at the cinema in Milton Keynes"
"Sorry no, it's my boyfriend's birthday party"
"My train won't be back from London in time"
"I'm taking my parents to the airport"

... and any number of other short-term unavailability issues. All you need to do is to become slightly unreliable in your availability, and they will ask less often.