I don't think I'm "well"

[Talk1tOut]

I've namechanged mainly because I'm ashamed of myself to be honest.
I think I'm spiralling a bit and I don't really want to talk to any one in real life because I don't want them to feel they have to fix it for me. I'm ready to be judged harshly because I'm being ungrateful but I'm hoping at least someone can maybe relate.

I have 4 children. They're really good, kind, lovely kids. They're all 10 and under. DH and I wanted them very much. DH is a good man who works hard and is doing well. Life should feel okay. I have a history of depression and most recently after an overdose several months ago, a psychiatrist brought up bipolar but not definitely diagnosed it.

I'm completely numb. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm not distressed. I have just completely checked out of my life over the past year or so. I have absolutely no attachment to my children anymore and I don't know how this happened or how to fix it.
I wake up each day disappointed that I'm still alive but I don't actively have plans to harm myself now. I go about the day, caring for kids, school runs, food shops etc just numb. I look forward so much to crawling into bed and taking painkillers I don't actually need just so I can fall asleep.

I do see a therapist privately. She has helped a lot with helping me to understand how some of my childhood has impacted me. I didnt have a horrible childhood at all, possibly some might say neglectful but certainly no abuse. But I almost feel I'm worse off now than before I started the sessions if that makes sense?

I'm concerned that I'm just sort of broken and this is how I'll feel forever. I can't imagine enjoying anything again. I see people enjoying their lives, taking their kids on days out, dates with their partners, watching films together... all that normal stuff. I can't imagine feeling enjoyment again in anything. Nothing at all makes me happy apart from sleeping.

Can this get better? Thank you if you read this.

Firstly, you need to stop worrying about feeling ungrateful. How you feel is how you feel, and its real for you.

Have you gone to the GP and asked for full bloods? It’s amazing how one small thing (a vitamin deficiency, a thyroid issue etc) can make you feel truly out of sorts and, well, numb. I’d rule that out first.

Take care of yourself and try and find someone IRL to talk to about it.

It can get better.

Sometimes, and I really don’t say this to minimise anything that you are going through, you have to kind of fake it to make it. I feel numb sometimes and I imagine I’m on a film set and making the perfect family life film. It’s trite, but I find that it does really help me. I end up actually feeling better.

You can get better.

Feeling numb is a classic symptom of depression, in fact for many people it's the overriding symptom, so you might find it helpful to speak to your gp.

Intense therapy can also make things worse before they get better, which again is where having gp support can really help. Don't feel you can't take a break from therapy if you need to, or if you need more time to recover between sessions.

Please speak to your gp, or whoever is overseeing your mental health treatment.

I’m sorry that you are going through this.

Are you prescribed any medication?

It can absolutely get better.

The numbness you describe is a classic symptom of depression which sadly is not unusual.

I am quite concerned you aren’t under medical care OP - is that the case? If so please ring your GP as a matter of urgency on Monday, you need a referral, a diagnoses and likely some medication to get your head above water ASAP. It’s an imperfect science but they will try things and adjust.

Talking therapy is great, but it can be painful and both it and life will be better with medication to manage your mood.

That really is the first step, along with believing this can get better, and letting go of any idea that you are being ‘ungrateful’ or you shouldn’t be ill. Depression can hit anyone, and you need all the help and support you can to build yourself out of it.

Can you do that on Monday?

I was under the crisis team briefly after the overdose and then after a couple of weeks they sort of let me go and sent me back to the care of the gp. I'm currently on sertraline and quetiapine and have been for some time. They always seem reluctant to change any meds so I haven't pushed it.
I was with the community mental health team about 2 years ago but I was doing well and got discharged. I feel so embarrassed to take a step back and be under the team again.

Don’t look at it as a step back. It’s a step forward from where you are right now.

I would ask for a medication review if you feel able to.

Do you have any support at home?

Please don't feel embarrassed to return and ask for help, they're there to help you and will be happier to know you've gone to them rather than push on through, because believe me, pushing onwards doesn't always work.

Oh Op it's the lonliest and most scariest subject to talk about I get you. I'm on lexapro and I have to say it completely rewired my brain , I just lost my serotonin after an ordeal and I felt it hard to ever get back to the fun excitable person I was. Maybe you need to switch medications, if your on them a few months it might be worth asking your doctor about a change. Don't loose hope xx

You will absolutely get better and feel so much better.

lots of love to you

It sounds like you haven’t got your meds right. Don’t panic about how you’re feeling. You have depression and you are going to be ok. You are allowed to take control of your medication and ask to make changes. There are far more effective drugs than sertraline which you can try. This is all in your power. Speak to your doctor urgently and say things aren’t working anymore.

Just coming on to say yes, it definitely can get better. Not overnight usually but gradually. Sending lots of love and care.
find and take the joy in the absolutely smallest of things. It might be a nice cup of tea, it might be seeing a pigeon eating a worm in the garden, it might be hearing a song you like, whatever it is, seize the small glimmers of light and hold on to them. Those small tiny things will eventually get slightly bigger and slightly bigger.
I’ve come to think that periods of life will be quite shit so I try and find those small pieces of joy during those times to pull me through.
It can and it will get better. 💐

Also to add, you don’t sound the least bit ungrateful to me, you sound like you’re struggling and reaching out for help which is absolutely the best and bravest thing to do. It’s bloody hard admitting when things aren’t good if you can’t quite put your finger on the ‘why’.
Keep on keeping on. You’ll get there 💐

Could it be hormone related?

If you had one leg shorter than the other, you wouldn't worry about saying it's a problem.

Mental health is a bit like that. It can take a bit of tweaking to work out what things aggravate your illness, and what support it.

You can do things that support your mental health and help you avoid relapses - the whole healthy living, good diet, fresh air thing- but you'll always need to keep an eye on it.

Mindfulness, gratitudes etc do help but they also take effort that you may not always have available. Unfortunately you have to work a bit harder than other people to feel good.

Rope your DC in (absolutely not telling them you are ill and need their help!) Start doing gratitudes at meal times. Light a candle, say something nice about someone at the table etc. Get into healthy emotional habits with them.

You matter. You may not be loving life right now, but you are more important than you can imagine to your DC.

Take the time to get yourself medical help- bloods checked, medicine reviewed etc.

And know it gets better. You'll have more time to look after yourself, and you'll get better at spotting when you are starting to dip and intervening.

It might just need a tweaking of your medication? If you don't tell your gp then they can't help you. Just make an appt. You've got nothing to lose by going and everything to gain. It's what they train for and are paid for. Do it for you. And do it for your family. Please. X

Are you on the contraceptive pill?

Honestly, i stopped taking it because I felt 'dead inside.' I know it sounds dramatic but it really made a difference. I can't really describe it very well but everyone around me noticed as soon as I stopped taking it.

As PP have said, one thing to look at is hormones.
My own experience:
I felt like you describe - like I was living behind a thick sheet of glass with the real world the other side of it - AND I was late 40s and getting other perimenopausal symptoms. Got a prescription for an HRT drug from the GP, expecting to have to chop and change before I found something to suit me, but I was very lucky and felt like myself again within an hour of taking the first dose!

Sometimes emotions are 90% wonky biochemistry and 10% external factors.

I have felt like this twice in my life. Once when I had the mirena hormonal coil. And once when I was on sertraline. The sertraline stopped me having the low days (where I couldn't get out of bed) but it also stopped me having any pleasure or looking forward to anything.

So like others I think you should go and ask to change your meds, another anti-depressant might be better for you. Sertraline just flattened me without cheering me up. Ask to try something different.

ive been through therapy making things worse before it feels better. It will get better. Sometimes becoming aware of how and why things are so bad can be overwhelming - do you think maybe that has numbed you?

Stick with therapy and make sure you tell your therapist how you’re feeling so they can pace things

No I'm not on the contraceptive pill. Copper coil I think shouldn't be causing any hormonal problems.
Thank you so much for all the replies. It gives me hope that this isn't forever. I just want to feel okay whatever that is and I'd given up on the idea.