I don't love you

[5yearworries]

I'm wondering if my 4.5 y old outbursts are normal. He's always been pretty easy and happy. He does however have the occasional meltdown, but lately they have been so bad.

Last night it lasted about 30 minutes and he was just screaming that he doesn't love me which is new.

We had 30 minutes of "stop talking to me! I don't love you!" "Muuuuuummy please help me I love you" "why are you not taking to me" "stop talking" over and over again.

He had been sent to his room for hitting. I kept responding in a calm voice saying I was down here when he was ready and calm. I did go up a couple of times to make sure he was OK and he screamed at me to go away, then when I walked away screamed for me to come back.

He honestly seemed completely out of control, talking in a sweet voice one second, screaming the next, over and over again, like he had a split personality.

I think he was scared as he could not calm down. When it was over he was so happy, cuddling us all, telling us he loved us etc.

Is this normal? Usually his outbursts are much shorter, he'll get into bed with a teddy, calm down and say sorry. This was very different. I'm also not sure where he gets the emotional manipulation from, DH and I have a very healthy relationship.

Should I be worried?

It's fine and totally normal. He's got big emotions and has yet to get a handle on them. As for the emotional manipulation, remember when he was a baby and he waved his arms and legs about to try and work out how they work? This is just a form of that - how do emotions and words work together to get me what I want/need. Telling you he doesn't love you is his nuclear option. I found that saying "well I love you very much - but I don't like hitting / it's time to go/ you need to calm down and then gently disengaging worked best because too much interaction just added fuel to the fire. Then cuddles when ready.

I found that this sort of tantrum often happened when they were hungry, or too tired, or overexcited so avoiding those scenarios helped too.

It's fine and it's normal

Boys get a surge of testosterone at this age which accounts for this and then again of course during pubity

Read the book Raising boys by Steve Biddulph
it's very insightful

You say it was last night so I expect he was tired? That always means their outbursts are worse.

Don’t worry it is normal. when mine used to say “I don’t love you” I’d always say “I love you very much”. That usually made them calm down quite quickly and want a cuddle.

When my DD was 2 and being a terrible 2 with her tantrums which made me upset and cross I decided to try another tactic.
I ended up holding her very tight in a bear hug so she couldn't move (I read this worked for autistic DC) and smothering her face with kisses whilst saying nothing.

After a bit of flailing around she'd succumb to the hug and unconditional love and just melt into my arms for a nice long cuddle. Then after a while she'd just get up and carry on playing etc

Thank you I'm so glad to hear its normal! And thank you for the tips!

Yes, they basically always happen on a Friday just before tea, so peak tiredness and hunger in the week. I'm pretty sure if the food had been ready 15 minutes earlier we might have avoided the whole thing!!

He then spent the evening telling me he loved me the most, loved me more than daddy etc. I'll just say we all love him and not get into a discussion in future!

Totally normal. He’s too little to regulate his feelings and needs your help. He might be testing whether you really love him all the time and whether you’re really a safe, secure emotional base for him. Don’t take it personally!

I’d be wary of sending him the message that he’s only acceptable to you when he’s calm e.g. by sending him to his room as a punishment for showing anger. It’s a form of abandonment and can be internally terrifying for children. That’s how parts of the personality/feelings get split off or repressed and can cause depression/anxiety later. You might have been witnessing an early indicator of this. I don’t think it’s anything to be worried about, but you can be aware of how that kind of thing can cause problems with expressing feelings towards adulthood. He’s still little enough for you to help him not split.

I try to say stuff like, ‘it’s okay to feel angry but we don’t hit/damage things…’. Ask him why he got cross enough to hit. Show him you understand why he felt angry and help him make sense of his anger. Keep him assured that he still has emotional connection with you throughout. Don’t send him away.

No one ever calmed down by being told to calm down! Movement is good to move from a flight/fight state to a calm/rest state, so help him move through rage by giving him healthy ways to express his anger - run, punch a pillow. Teach him how to say ‘I feel angry’ or ‘I felt cross when…’. His body will move back to rest/digest when he’s expressed the feelings and burned off the energy.

If you want to know more, recommend books by Dr Gabor Maté and Dr Shefali Tsbary.

Sound advice from @Untitledsquatboulder hungry or tired - top answers!

If you remind yourself to separate yourself from the moments of high drama and respond - not to the moment but to what a child really needs - to feel secure, to feel loved. You might also ask yourself if there is anything bothering him - has there been any change in his life that might have thrown him? Tell him you'll give him a hug when he's calmed down and feel ready for it - or for him to come to you for a hug when he's ready - that way you are sending him the message that you are still there for him. One trick - and don't like using that word but can't think of another word - I have used with upset children (although it also sometimes works with upset adults) is to ask a couple of questions where you know the answers will alternate between yes and no -
You're upset aren't you? Yes!
You want to stay in your room? No!
etc
I think it's to enable them to make the transition between the two states of agreement and disagreement instead of getting locked into a negative one... I don't know where I picked that up from but it was years ago but maybe worth a try.

Don't overlook humour to try and diffuse a situation.
Has mummy got big ears?
Does she look like a rabbit?
Can you find her a carrot to eat?

It's a challenge - you need ingenuity and imagination to deal with situations you don't really feel equipped to deal with. Good luck!

Yes that's really good advice, I have definitely noticed he gets worse if he thinks I'm upset with him, and I don't want him to worry I don't love him anymore. Its such a hard balance to find. That's why I still went up to see him a couple of times asking if he wanted a cuddle and just sat quietly next to him so he knew I was there. But he'd then start screaming and kicking so I had no choice but to leave again really.

Then when I was downstairs I didn't want to ignore him but if I spoke he got even more mad telling me to be quiet.

Humour does sometimes work, but yesterday it made him even more mad, like he felt I was mocking how he felt, as it was a serious situation for him.

Phew, such hard work to know what to do! I will check out that book.

Absolutely normal as others have said. I found explaining during a calm time that big feelings are ok, things that trigger big feelings and it's how we deal with them that matters has helped. It's not a quick fix and needs repeating again and again and again but now when we get an episode like this brewing asking do they want mummy or want to be left alone or do they want to go for a lay down while they deal with their big sad helps moderate the damage.