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Original poster

Him wanting to playing it by ear

25 replies

Georgiarule · 29/10/2022 10:19

I was seeing someone. We were friends over 8/9 years. Tried to go on dates over the years and didn’t happened.

Recently we started going on dates. All was going well, talking about holidays, hikes etc

Then his business got busy, a lot of pressure and he didn’t think it was the right time. (This was two/threes ago). He’s now popped back up and wants to play it by ear and see how it goes. He doesn’t want commitment right now and I don’t know what to do.

My instinct is to say no. Like I did originally when he said he was ready I said I wouldn’t wait for him. Part of me wants to try playing it by ear and see what happens. Only though if that’s not just going round to his to sleep with him and we agree to not see others. Would that be unreasonable? Is it worth me seeing what happens?

I’m also very busy at work. Extremely stressful time and lack of resource. Pressure to deliver when there is no capacity.

OP posts:

cookiecreammmpie · 29/10/2022 10:46

If you really like him and he doesn't want commitment I think you're setting yourself up to be hurt. It's all about what he wants. I've been in a similar situation in the past and it was always him using me at his own convenience for sex and company and me hoping for more. In hindsight I wished I'd walked away earlier.

LightandMomentary · 29/10/2022 10:49

Honestly I'd walk away if you want a relationship and he wants to play it by ear. It's walking into heartbreak.

OrigamiOwls · 29/10/2022 10:58

it was always him using me at his own convenience for sex and company and me hoping for more
This sums it up for me.

He wants to keep you available, on a string for him, but he doesn't want to offer you anything.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

KangarooKenny · 29/10/2022 10:59

No, don’t let him use you.

Dotcheck · 29/10/2022 11:00

He’s now popped back up and wants to play it by ear and see how it goes

He now has popped back and wants to keep you on the back burner …..

Rainbowqueeen · 29/10/2022 11:03

Walk away.

You want something different to him. You are already busy. Why spend time on something that is not what you want. It just takes away the time you have to spend looking for what you do want.

A man who is really interested in you as a person and potential long term partner would not suggest this. Someone looking for sex on tap and an easy exit “I did say we should just play it by ear” would

CadburyCrunchy · 29/10/2022 11:24

@Georgiarule he's clearly using you as a FWB until someone more his type comes along... don't be used any longer by him for sex as that's all it is, sorry I know that's harsh - if you agree to this then he'll know you're desperate to cling on to him...

Basically, if it was going to turn into a proper meaningful relationship it would have by now because when there's real chemistry and attraction there you naturally want to be with that person regardless of how busy you are etc... romance in the early days of a relationship or anytime shouldn't be such an effort and hard work...

Shitfather · 29/10/2022 11:31

He’s pretty much telling you. Your needs/wants do not align. Let this one go. The fact it’s been on/off for so long should tell you something

Nagado · 29/10/2022 12:35

If he doesn’t want commitment then there is only one possible way for it to go. He gets all the benefits of having someone there for him whenever he wants. And when he gets busy or someone else comes along, he’ll drop you like a hot potato and you won’t be able to be upset because he did tell you he wasn’t going to commit to you. He’s asking you to be his fuck buddy.

Nagado · 29/10/2022 12:37

And I use the term Fuck Buddy rather than fwb because he isn’t treating you with the respect you would treat a friend with.

Whataretheodds · 29/10/2022 12:41

I agree with PP. I would start seeing other people and focus on stuff that's important to you . If you genuinely have tine left over and want to let him take you on dates occasionally then do, but i wouldn't sleep with him and wouldn't keep time free on the offchance.

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/10/2022 12:51

Does it not just mean that he's at a loose end again and you're available? He is literally saying he doesn't want anything meaningful from it and I do think if you've known someone that long that is more than enough time to work out your feelings and your stance on whether you would want anything serious with them.

I wouldn't do it to yourself OP. You told him you wouldn't wait but he obviously thinks you will regardless, thinks you will accept whatever it is he wants even if you protest. It's all wonderful for his ego presumably but will be awful for your self esteem. Don't fall into the trap of romanticising this as two people who always were meant to be who never got the chance as there have been ample and he's not really wanted them and still doesn't, I'm sorry to say.

I would just tell him I'm flattered but have moved on and would socialise with him as a friend whilst moving my attentions towards finding someone more worthwhile.

Scabetty · 29/10/2022 12:57

I would say that isn’t going to work for you and that if he isn’t able to make time for you then it’s obvious it’s time to move on. Then move on! He is a selfish cock.

TheRossatron · 29/10/2022 13:06

Play it by ear?! What are you, a toy he wants to fiddle with for a bit? Tell him to fuck right off! Cheeky cunt

FlibbertyGibbitt · 29/10/2022 13:08

How handy you are for him. Friend zone him only when it suits you, not him.

Cania · 29/10/2022 13:10

You could end up wasting a lot of your time 'playing it by ear' if you actually want a relationship.

Jellybean23 · 29/10/2022 14:07

He wants a no strings friend with benefits. You want love and commitment. It may be fun with him for the short term but ultimately, it could lead to much unhappiness and regret.

Original poster

Georgiarule · 29/10/2022 14:11

We’ve never got round to being on a date in that time.

Agreed I just need to leave it. He was actually annoyed when I said this is all his terms and I was over thinking things.

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 29/10/2022 14:19

We’ve never got round to being on a date in that time. in that case it has run its course. You can appreciate what you had from/with him while recognising it's not the right thing for you now.

Now go about falling in love with your life x

Nagado · 29/10/2022 14:49

Georgiarule · 29/10/2022 14:11

We’ve never got round to being on a date in that time.

Agreed I just need to leave it. He was actually annoyed when I said this is all his terms and I was over thinking things.

I bet he did. Because you aren’t just going along with his plan to have sex with you whenever he fancies it then drop you the second someone ‘better’ comes along. You want to be treated with respect? How dare you?! 🙄

This man is not your friend. Fuck him off.

Titsflyingsouth · 29/10/2022 14:53

I had a 'boyfriend' like this. Yo-yo'd in and out of my life at his own convenience. The whole scenario completely messed with my head. Whilst cutting him loose was initially painful, it wasn't long before I honestly felt a lot calmer and less anxious for the experience. Ditch him and don't be tempted to look back. The more space you have from him, the healthier you will be.

Badger1970 · 29/10/2022 14:57

Never make someone a priority when for them, you are merely an option.

He wants to try things out, whilst still looking over his shoulder. Don't lower yourself to his level.

StripeyDeckchair · 29/10/2022 16:28

No
You're his back up plan when there is no one else around

You're better than that.

Original poster

Georgiarule · 05/11/2022 23:31

He’s been messaging me all week and when I reply back he ignored it 🙃 the mind games alone has given me the ick

OP posts:

VeniVidiWeeWee · 05/11/2022 23:45

Anyone who uses the word "ick" is about 12 years old and of no further consideration.

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