What do your 11 & 7yr olds do for themselves?

[Lostoldusername]

I have 2 children just turned 11 and 7.

I sort their school bags, make their breakfast and take it to them, put their school clothes out and shoes/coats at the door. Do the eldest packed lunch and wash/fill water bottles.
I do this, well because it's what I've always done to be fair, but I'm wondering if I should be expecting the eldest to get his own breakfast etc?

@Lostoldusername I did all of the above when my DC were at prep school, so until they were all 13. They are now older and do all their own things, so I don't think they were rendered incapable by having everything done for them when they were younger. I probably sometimes muttered about doing it at the time, but I basically liked doing it. I suppose the problems arise when you don't actually want to do it but feel you should, or when you just feel that the DC should be doing more themselves, even if you're happy to carry on doing it. I still do stuff for mine when they're at home, because I'm happy to do it. But other parents might feel differently.

My 8 & 10 yos do everything on your list themselves apart from making their lunches (but they can do it if they have to; it’s just dh or I tend to make them the night before when doing our own).

I've just read a few more posts. My DC definitely didn't make their own breakfasts before 13. We all got up very early, and I did breakfast for everyone. The DC would obviously have been able to make their own breakfast, but that wasn't the way we did it. Ditto supper. I cooked, and we ate together at the table as a family (still do now, when they are here). I have never liked the idea of random grazing. But I suppose other people wouldn't like the way I do other things. Swings and roundabouts, etc.

This thread is making me feel bad - my five year old does all this for herself

Will endeavor to wake up earlier next term and set up breakfast for them!

Really do not feel bad that your dc has a normal and important amount of independence that they probably enjoy 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think you're supposed to be feeling good, not bad, to judge from this thread! I think the people who are supposed to be feeling bad are the ones who do things for their older DC that said older DC could easily do for themselves...

Of your list, IMO the only things you should still be doing is making the 7yo's lunch, and helping/supervising the 7yo make breakfast and pack their school bag (until they can do it alone). The 11yo should be capable of it all.

My DCs are 6 and 8yo. They have dressed themselves since some time between their 3rd and 4th birthdays. If they can't find a uniform item in their wardrobe, they know to check their clean laundry box in the spare room, and failing that the drying rack in the utility. They have been able to make breakfast (toast or cereal) since they were 4 (we have wooden tongs for the toaster), and from 5-ish could manage hot Wheatabix in the microwave. Both pack and empty their own school bags, but I do still check that they have everything (DD1 has ASD and ADHD, and is very prone to forgetting things). We have bag/getting out the door checklists in prominent positions to help with this too. DD1 is capable of making a packed lunch, but I admit I still usually do this myself for speed. DD2 has school lunches, so that's a job saved! I had told myself this year I would get DD1 to do her packed lunches, but I just haven't had the time in the mornings to spend getting her into the routine yet. Generally though, I take the approach that it is worth the investment of time training them up early to be self-sufficient.

My 14 and 10 year olds made a 2 course dinner for us all this evening.

They do the dishes, tidy their rooms, put the shopping away. 14 yr old cuts the grass.

But they are rubbish in the morning so we sort school bags, clothes and packed lunches.

Never ask this type of question on MN.... it only gets you answers where people's 3 year olds are cooking a 3 course meal regularly and washing and ironing their own clothes ......

7 year old gets his uniform out before bed, makes lunch before bed, puts uniform in the washing basket when he gets home. Makes his own breakfast if I’m not making a hot breakfast.

Obviously he needs reminding/asking, but with a reminder he can do the task independently.

It's hard for me as all of mine have various forms of SEN..so they tend to do things like using the kettle older. I think nailing one job at a time is better than nothing. You could put the breakfast things out but they tidy away. Small jobs over a period of time goes less resistance. Things like bringing washing down and helping sort it into lights and darks, matching socks are all very quick wins but it's the first step to learning to help with washing. By 18 my eldest can do all life tasks ( doesn't mean he is extatic to do things like laundry, but he can and does).

Plenty more than that! I have an 11yo and a 9yo. They get themselves up with an alarm, find own uniform, get own breakfast. The make their own packed lunches and fill their own water bottles. They walk to and from the school bus themselves.

Around the house they hoover, dust, load and empty the dishwasher (but not put it on), fold and put away laundry, strip and remake own beds (but not wash the sheets). I don't expect them to do all that every week, but part of their pocket money is given on the understanding they help with housework over the weekend.

I definitely think your 11yo is capable of a lot more!

I think your 11yo could be doing much more. My 6yo can do her own breakfast if simple and I’ve been encouraging her to take more responsibility for her school bag but that is a work in progress. My 3yo will out her dirty clothes in the washing basket and will sort out which toy she takes to nursery. at nursery all the 3yos are self serving their breakfast and scraping plates. They are quite capable of a bit of independence.

@BananaSpanner "Why is the school letting an 8 year old leave with no adult?
8 is too young to be cycling to and from school on their own."

School allow year 4 and above to go home without an adult. That's their policy! He wears a watch so I can track him on the way to and from school. He can also call/text me from it if there is a problem. It's been working well for the last 8 weeks. I actually had a comment from a stranger on Facebook a few days ago saying impressed she was that he was so competent and confident on the road. If not now, when?!

4&5yr old here. (Reception and year 1)
Both make their own cereal in the morning. We have a small jug of milk in the fridge so they can pour the milk. They empty the dishwasher and can get dressed and brush their teeth themselves.

I check their school bags and refill their water bottles.

I haven't trusted them with making toast yet as I was worried about them burning themselves but seeing a PP upthread, I think I might let them try!

Oops! Posted too soon.

They put their coats and bags away when they come home and will take the ironing upstairs and put it in the wardrobe. Both know how to tidy up (some days are more successful than others! 😜)

Interesting thread as I've just realised my incredibly smart, funny, thoughtful 10yo (year 5) is absolutely useless around the house. Our fault as we've not really 'taught' him.

Definitely going to get him to start doing more.

I like doing stuff to help my child. I think it's part of parenting and helping her to feel loved and secure. I am happy to wash their clothes, get their meals and help them get ready for school, if needed.

I think all this 'Well, mine has been ironing her own baby gros since she was born so I am doing proper parenting' stuff is a bit depressing.

@Alighttouchonthetiller helping is one thing, doing everything for them is another. You are not helping pre-teens if you do everything for them, it's pushing against their natural development.

I'm sure you encouraged them to walk on their own rather than continue to carry them everywhere? This is just the same.

My gorgeous, kind, funny and devoted friend has done everything for her kids and admits she's actually damaged them as a result. They are wonderful humans but completely helpless. One is due to leave for Uni next year whcih is terrifying.

Do you let your 4 year old brush their own teeth?

I can’t believe how many people let their young kids brush their own teeth. NHS guidelines recommend from age 7 and even then it should be supervised. There’s no way a 4 or 5 year old could brush properly.

My 11 year old gets herself up and dressed, brushes teeth and makes her breakfast. No packed lunch to make as school provides lunch but she makes sure she has the right books in her bag each day but I remind her to take swimming stuff/ice skates/skis if its one of those days just to be on the safe side (she once forgot her ice skating helmet and had to sit and watch instead and was gutted). She takes herself off to school when its time to go and locks up the house if the rest of us are out already. Most of this she's been doing since she was around 7 (setting an alarm and getting herself up has only been a recent development though) so I think you could start encouraging both of your children to be a bit more independent in these ways but the 7 year old will likely need more supervision for a while still if they've not been practicing things like making their own breakfast yet. Try and sell it to them as a "now you're getting more grown up" thing so they feel excited about getting to do things for themselves rather than disappointed you're not doing it all for them

@OperaStation what? There is a difference between children brushing their own teeth and it not being supervised!!!!

Of course I supervise them and make sure they're doing it properly - I mean I don't physically brush their teeth for them

Yes, I partly agree with this. I think little kids getting up and getting breakfast by themselves is fine but what are the parents doing? If they are up too then fine but if they are in bed while a four or five year old is sitting by themselves with their breakfast I find that a bit sad.

I do think that kids should be able to do stuff for themselves though and I encourage both of mine to take a part in household jobs. My nine year old is a pretty good cook and can follow a recipe well. He can also help with the animals, Hoover, mop, clean the bathroom, make his own packed lunch. He does have dyspraxia and is a bit in his own world so needs a bit of prompting along the way 😀. His three year old brother can get his own cereal, kind of butter some toast, likes to help with wiping stuff like dusting etc and helps with cooking.

It's just different schools of parenting. It isn't depressing to gradually teach your child to be independent in readiness for adult life rather than either hope they pick it all up through observation, or have to teach them everything in one big lump just before they leave for Uni. The DCs still feel loved and secure, but they are also capable and proud of their independence. With each skill you don't just tell them to get on with it and ignore them - it's pretty labour and time intensive in the short term when you first have them watch you, then do it together, then watch them, then just check it is done right at the end, before finally letting them get on with it. I like doing things for my DCs too, but there are still plenty of tasks outside what they are capable of themselves to fulfill this.