Autistic /aspergers 8 year old and rudeness

[waterrat]

Hi< I'd really appreciate any tips on how to respond to my 8 year old daughter when she is very rude to people - ie 'you are disgusting/ you are making horrible sounds/ you stink/ you are wierd ' (all comments made recently to various people - friends/ family!) - sometimes this causes real offence/ hurt

She is bright/ verbal etc - 'high functioning' but actually I see hr autism as a real hidden disability as people perhaps don't realise how much she is struggling

I was mortified at how she spoke to a friend her own age yesterday but wanted to think how best to talk to her about it - she was told off but I could see she was struggling to cope being in close quarters with a child who was doing things she found stressful (picking nails/ coughing) - she was tired/ over stimulated from a day out as well.

I want to support her as I feel sad at the thought of her losing friends because of this - also, she is really really unpleasant to her family members sometimes - 'go away' 'I hate you you are wierd' - is this normal? Does it mean anything/ ? do we ignore it?

We only got her diagnosis recently so trying hard to navigate all this

I presume that your DD does not understand she is being rude. We had similar with DS (asperger's) at that sort of age
Whilst sympathising with her feelings - as they are valid to her, could you try asking her if she would like it if someone said to her that she was smelly/weird etc and ask her how it would make her feel. At that age with Asperger's she probably hasn't looked at it that way before.

This is like my son also asd, who has no filter either if he thinks it he says it without considering the implications
he has got a little better as he’s got older, now15, if that’s any consolation.
I try to explain this to others some get it but most Don’t .

How would she repond if you do almost like a lesson going through ways of describing people and separating them into negative ones, positive ones, and neutral ones. Then talk about how the positive ones are ones that can be said out loud to the person or to others but negative ones can't. Teach her to save them to say to you when talking over her day later so she still has an outlet for them. And maybe have a few stock phrases she can memorize so she has somehhting to say in the moment when a negative comment comes to mind.

It's a tricky lesson that some truth and feelings are appropriate and some aren't.

Thanks all - this is all helpful @Pirrin I would like to try this idea of her waiting to tell me - I suppose that is the reality of her autism she feels overwhelmed in the moment. I thought of training her with comments - so to say 'I really don't like that noise ' or asking me for help with a code word.

It's hard to say if she knows she is being rude - It's difficult to guage her level of understanding sometimes as she can be very quick/ sharp in her understanding but seems genuinely totally unrepentant for telling a child they are stinky/ disgusting if they touch something dirty for example.

Social stories might help.

Also, explaining that it’s not kind to comment on someone’s appearance or personal traits (you’re weird, fat, smell etc). Be very clear and specific - don’t make a comment like that but it’s ok to say it in your head instead.
My DD will often say to me ‘ I thought in my head, Poppy’s dad was being weird but I didn’t say anything out loud Mum’

Also, if she’s finding it difficult to cope with a friends nail picking/coughing, she needs an alternative way to cope. Tell her she can text to to say she’s struggling or come and have a quiet word with you and then you can try to help by either removing her from the situation or giving her coping strategies.