Advice please - alcohol related

[Runninouttatime]

i have name changed for this as I’m feeling embarrassed. Inspired by the covid related threads about how lives have been affected since. My alcohol intake has escalated since covid. Much like many friends in similar circumstances, the lockdowns encouraged a need to move between day and evening with the use of alcohol. It has steadily increased since then - I can drink up to a bottle of wine a night (not every night, but I’m beginning to realise this is not a good sign). It can affect my relationship as a comment can escalate to an argument and emotions get in the way of common sense and clear thinking.

Is there anyone out there this resonates with? I have teenage children (12/14) and often feel the need for a glass whilst cooking dinner. I used to leave it there, but I’m finding I will continue to pour another after dinner and then another as they go to bed… small glasses hide how many, large glasses just make it look too much. I’m not sure how to break the cycle because of the association with dinner at the end of a tiring day. I always think I’ll have just one, but it has clearly got out of hand and I need to cut back.

Please no harsh judgement, I’m hoping this thread will encourage others to talk about it with me.

The first step is insight - you have that. Alcohol can easily creep up on you. It did me. I never had as much as you are having, but it had become a habit rather than a treat to be enjoyed.

The first thing to do if you are not drinking a bottle daily is to schedule a dry month. This will tell you whether or not you are psychologically dependent - if you find a dry month hard, you may need to give up for longer or permanently. I found it easy, but we are all different. Part of what helped me change my relationship with alcohol was the knowledge that my husband absolutely was an alcoholic and I didn't want to end up like him.

Then when you reintroduce alcohol, be mindful and treat it as something that isn't part of everyday life. It will save you money if you drink rarely, and it means that you can spend more on what you do have. I've found quality over quantity definitely helps. Work out other ways of de-stressing at the end of the day and find other things that work as little ways to treat yourself. In terms of drinks, I really like tonic mixed with ginger cordial - it has a bite and a fizz, but no alcohol.

Good luck!

Thank you for posting and I’m sorry to hear your husband is an alcoholic. I think I need to find a routine that moves away from that first glass.

I agree. Start now. Or do Dry January. I drink a lot but can stop, and find dry January easy.

A dry month is a good idea. Also if you ARE going to have a drink with dinner, could you buy the tiny wine bottles (single glass) so that there’s no temptation to reach for a refill? I think psychologically it’s much easier to justify a “small top up” than it is going back into the cupboard to open another bottle.

@Runninouttatime my husband died in 2018 and we were divorcing at the time due to the behaviours he developed, many of which came from the alcoholism (but not all) so I am currently happily single and have every intention of staying that way. By that time I had a happy and safe relationship with alcohol.

Cutting out the weeknight drinking is a good start. You could get yourself a really nice non alcoholic drink as a treat for the first while to help you get into the groove.

This was me. And then it got worse. I gave up drinking 5 years ago and it’s the best thing I have ever done for myself. And it was easy!

I have never missed it, I am happier, healthier and richer for doing so. I never ever thought I would be able to say that. When I think back to the horrific feelings of guilt and self hatred I am so happy to be free of it.

I highly recommend that you read Alan Carr, The Easy Way to Control Alcohol. It changed my life.

Good luck - you are not alone and you can do this.

Have a read of Clare Pooley’s Sober Diaries and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray. The One For The Road podcast is also good.

@pointythings so sorry to hear this. Sounds like it must have been a horrendous time 💐

Thank you all for replying and making suggestions. I’ll look into the book recommendations as they do sound useful. I’ll also consider finding a decent drink alternative so I don’t feel I’m missing out. Just need to stop the dinner time itch, as it’s that first glass that paves the way for me and it’s just too early.

I was like you. Whilst i didn't consider myself an alcoholic, I had a fantastic tolerance to huge amounts of alcohol. One day I thought I needed a break so signed up to do a 90 day challenge with one year no beer. This included the period of my 40th birthday and Xmas- there was never a good time to do it.
I managed those two events well and at the end of the three months I made a decision not to drink again- the alcohol free sleep is amazing and not worth doing without.
It's been three years since I drank and looking back I think there was a definite dependence on alcohol and I suspect I would be divorced by now if I hadn't changed.
I'll never drink again.
Good luck on your journey. You can do it. LIFE ALCOHOL FREE IS AMAZING

I love a drink and a lot of my work and family life revolves around alcohol and I got to exactly as you describe - especially the ‘one comment leads to arguments’ I used to wake up and think wtf why did that cause a row. My DH loves a beer too but never gets snappy, and I wanted us to enjoy a drink but not let myself get to that point. And be going to bed feeling awake and waking up fresh.

There was no way I was giving up or having dry months or even stopping midweek drinking all together but I did want to be more mindful and enjoy it and stop those arguments. I also wanted to drop some weight. I love to cook (and drink wine as I’m stirring away) and eat great food but was carrying an extra 10lbs which was mainly Malbec.

So I did the following:

Bought better wine. Sounds silly but better quality wine feels more of a treat and less of a ‘throw it down’ vibe. I look UP when I buy wine at the shop not down now.

Bought a pub style measure off Amazon and poured 125ml measures at home or only ordered small wines in the pub.

Had one wine free evening. Chose a night DH plays sport later on and and made it a sit down and eat with all the kids night where we all have juice with our meal (got older DC who are all over the place usually) at 5/6pm. Don’t know about you but if I’m cooking and eating later I find more time for wines.

Have a cut off. For me this is 9pm. I don’t drink after 9pm which means I’ve got time to have a brew before bed (I have a wild variety of herbal teas) and never do the fall into bed forget to take my contacts out routine of lockdown.

I only even max have 3 x 125ml or 4 if I go the pub over a 3/4 hour period. Even the weekend or parties. I’ve worked out my level of feeling the benefits but not the negatives.

Everything has improved and I’ve lost 10lbs and I feel so much happier over all and I don’t feel like I’ve made any massive sacrifices or life changes.

Hope this helps xx

I’ve had periods of my life where drinking has crept, and become habitual. The first 4 days of any new habit seem to be the toughest, but then it takes a few months for the new habit to stick.
Things that helped me get it under control were:

• Reading quit lit
• Using the Dry Jan app to log drink free days
• Setting a limit of days I allow myself to drink (weekends only here, as it messes with my morning gym routine)
• Not having it in the house
• Getting into my PJs before I start making tea, so I can’t nip to the shop

I try and keep to just drinking one night a week now, because I tend to drink too much in one sitting. Some weeks I don’t manage it, but that’s generally my goal.

@Hytsum so much of your post resonated with me. I too am carrying around extra weight from drinking that I would like to loose. My DH wants me to drink more mindfully rather than stop altogether. Our families are social and alcohol is a huge part of it. I like the 9pm cutoff and will give this some thought alongside nights off in the week and a drink substitute. I’ve been thinking of a month off from previous posters suggestions, but not sure now is the right time & I feel i would need DH to do it with me for support. However @elvislives2012 has an inspiring story over her 40th & Xmas! I just need to find some inner strength.

Well done OP, you've done the hardest bit which is admitting it to yourself.

I was falling into the same trap - pre COVID but work stress related. What worked for me was not having that first one when I walked through the door and having a cuppa instead. Once I'd cracked that it was having a lime and soda while cooking, building up to not drinking at home on work nights. My problem was not being able to stop once I'd opened the bottle. Bizarrely, not opening the bottle in the first place was easier to do when I set my mind to it.

I didn't want to have to give up drinking altogether, which I knew might have to happen if I couldn't cut down. I wanted to still be able to enjoy wine with a nice meal, or G&T or Proseccos with friends etc. That thought helped me stay strong when I was reaching for a drink at home.

Different things work for different people, I hope you find advice on here that works for you. Keep posting, you'll get lots of support x

It's very easy to enjoy too much wine!
I've tried swapping wine for something else i like in the week and just enjoying wine at weekends (wish me luck!), so I like fizzy water and lemon or hot water and lemon - they're both good for cleansing the liver too!
I also try to avoid processed white carbs sticking to whole meal, seeded breads, brown rice, whole meal pasta etc, less red meat and more positive liver Foods like nuts, veg, citrus fruits.
That way I feel that I balance out some wine at weekends.
Bad habits are easy to slip into but you need to be mindful in getting out of them, it's hard I won't lie, but you'll feel better - good luck with whatever you do, but for me I don't want to get rid of enjoying wine so I try to balance it

Can also recommend Clare Pooley’s Sober Diaries and I found the Sober app really helpful. Admitting the problem is the first step so you are already in your way. Good luck

If you associate it with cooking, could your kids or DH do the evening meal a couple of times a week, to get you started on breaking that association? I found it hard for the first week or so and drank lots of Diet Coke for that hand to mouth habit, but now never think of it. I have a first drink if I go out (or none) then that’s it. I also volunteered to drive and collect the DCs from their various activities as I would obviously never D&D. Good luck!

@Runninouttatime I will join you on this journey. I am in the same position as you. Starting to realise it's getting too much now. I am actually beginning to think I am self soothing with alcohol on far too regular basis. I am such a happier person when there's no alcohol involved so I don't even know why I use it.

I could've written this!!

I find if I don't have wine in then I don't crave it...the same with crisps and chocolate!

For me it's become a habit but I can easily see how that habit could slide into addiction..,

Things I do to help me:

Have started drinking g&t cans if i do want a drink (much less alcohol).

I have a really nice cup of tea...

I have posh pop/juice that doesn't taste overly sweet..

It's getting much easier now! I also try and stick to "no drinks through the week unless I'm out".