TW: suicide ideation: how do I handle this?

[CandyLeBonBon]

Very raw. Also long, and a bit rambling - Possibly also not ideal posting on MN but it's been a horrendous day, and I've just gone to bed. My mind is churning and I need some clarity.

It's a difficult subject. My eldest son (20) tried to take his own life today. Thankfully he didn't succeed. We got back from A&E a couple of hours ago. He's asleep and we have a safety plan. Crisis team calling tomorrow on the proviso (agreed by me and DS) that we sleep in the lounge so I can keep him safe. The alternative was for him to stay overnight in hospital which terrified him and would likely have been counterproductive.

He's already known and under the care of the primary MH care team and I've been badgering them for months as I've seen a significant decline. He's autistic and has an adhd diagnosis but think there's more to it (eg dissociation due to trauma etc)

In the quiet moments I've had, since I got him safe and settled, I'm trying to process everything and now my mind is working overtime so could do with some opinions.

Their dad decided to wash his hands of them about 8 months ago. He stopped responding to their texts, has not acknowledged a single message, email or letter. He gave them no explanation and has refused to answer or respond to any of my messages when I've said they're finding this very hurtful.

For context, I suspect it's to do with the fact that I pursued a CMS claim through official channels rather than continue our private arrangement (But I'm aware, without his input, that could be just my assumption) because he refused to review the sum he was paying which had stayed the same, in spite of me knowing his career has had an upward trajectory. I went through CMS and it turned out he'd been paying a lot less than his salary would suggest, for at least 3 or 4 years.

I'm including this info because this is the point at which he decided to stop contact. He has chosen to erase them from his life, apart from a perfunctory birthday card each, after which, he goes back to ignoring them.

Im now sat here, with a child (albeit adult) who actively tried to take his own life, and I'm so strung out I can't work out whether I should tell him or not.

Part of me thinks I should, because he's the other parent, and part of me feels that he'd either see it as guilt tripping or just ignore it, and I'm not sure i should subject either my son, my other two kids, or myself to that pain.

I appreciate it's a lengthy and possibly seems like a juicy/salacious post - it's not, but I've been here long enough to know how easy it is to be sucked in by a sob story only to find it's a troll. I have a long posting history with multiple name changes, but I'm struggling with how to handle this really, and I could just really do with some opinions and perspectives as I'm struggling to think straight.

Thank you if you got this far.

So sorry to hear you’re having such a horrendous time OP. Maybe you could discuss the matter with the crisis team later? I think the background information would be useful for them in understanding what your son is going through just now. 💐

I’m so sorry you are both going through this your DS and you.

I think for now, I would not tell the DS father about the attempt.

For one, it’s not your decision. It is your DS decision whether his father should be told or not. He may be ND, but he is an adult and so has the right to privacy if he so wishes.

For two, I don’t think your DS is in a position to make this decision any time soon as it may only re-traumatise him. I think it something he should discuss with a psychologist before deciding as there is real risk as to how his fathers reaction or non reaction to the news would affect him.

The focus now, needs to be on your DS and the crisis team helping him and providing secure and intensive care until he is stable enough for regular care.
I hope you get a bit of rest. 💐

I've nothing helpful to add but wanted to say what a brilliant Mum you are, your son is lucky to have you.

You sound in shock currently, wishing you both well going forward.

I have no advice but sending love and a handhold. Agree that you are doing a wonderful job. So sorry this has happened and praying for you all

He has chosen to erase them from his life, apart from a perfunctory birthday card each, after which, he goes back to ignoring them.

This is emotional abuse. So, for your DS protection, do not give this abuser any ammunition that can be used to further hurt your DS. Especially as he is so very fragile mentally right now. Your gut instinct:

I'm not sure i should subject either my son, my other two kids, or myself to that pain.

Is exactly right imho. Sorry to post twice. Bit sleepy and it struck me that your ex is being actively cruel & is worth mentioning.

No one with any sense could possibly criticise you for not telling him about what happened today given the context.

Thankyou. So much. I'm tired but too wired to sleep. It means a lot that you've replied in the middle of the night.

I do think that a pp was right. It is ds's decision. I haven't asked him yet but I felt torn and wanted a sense check, really, to make sure I wasn't withholding information for selfish/petty reasons. I didn't think I was but sometimes it's not easy to determine where your motivations are coming from.

Thankyou again x

Firstly I want to say how sorry I am you're going through this (my son tried last May).

I can definitely relate to your situation with regard to the dad, I hope you don't mind me sharing.

I was in exactly the same position although in my case the father had actually blocked me years before after he got himself a new partner so I couldn't get in touch, it was also at this time he started losing interest in our son, spending less and less time with him (still to this day I have no idea why he blocked me as we used to get on so well). However I still thought he should know what his son had done and I called at his house on the way back from police station (at the time he lived 30 seconds from me). It was about 9.30pm, he was in bed. Firstly his flat mate said he wasn't home (despite me hearing him talk), then I said quite firmly it was very important. He reluctantly came to the door and I shit you not, his response was 'you got me out of bed, it's late' then he said , 'there's nothing I can do about it'. I wish I hadn't bothered telling him, but as the other parent he needed to know, I think part of me wanted his support dealing with it and also to be there for his son, which he wasn't.

I personally think he should know, just because he is the dad. There is more pain if he's dismissive - but you're already prepared for that. Hopefully he'll
be decent and come through for his son.

Again, sorry for rambling, just wanted to
share my experience of absent father and a suicide attempt with you.

Thinking of you at this really upsetting and worrying time x

You don’t need to do anything for the next few days other than look after yourself and your DS. Focus only on getting through tomorrow. Try to sleep or rest now.

You have a lot to process. I'd focus on your son and you for now. When you feel ready to tell his father, then do, but to be frank he's not important in this scenario right now given what he's done. You have enough to worry about without having to deal with him.

Sorry, posted before I'd finished. Sending you all the love x

I’m really sorry to hear what you and your son are going through and I hope that you both get the support that you need.

Firstly I am so sorry your son and you and family are going through this, it’s so very sad and I hope he can start to recover and get well over the coming days and weeks. He has a great mum who is giving him the love and support he needs which is what’s needed at this time .

I agree with everyone above - concentrate on your son and have the conversation about his dad if and when you feel he and you are ready.
You can ask the advice of the mental health teams, and that’s useful, but also be mindful that you know your own situation and circumstances and you need to do what’s best for your son and your family.

Take your time and look after yourself too.

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer. I think all you can do now is put yourself and ds first - do you think there would be any benefit to either of you by him knowing?

However I don't think i would ask DS personally, imagine ds saying he wanted his dad to know in the hope he might get back into contact - and then that not happening. It could all hit him all over again.

He is old enough to let his dad know himself if he really wants to - so I'd either do it without ds's knowledge or leave it alone.

So sorry to hear you're going through this right now.

Everyone does things differently and it is down to each circumstance but what I would be questioning is - what would be the long term benefits of his father knowing about the current situation, will his father all of a sudden care and be there for him or is there a chance his father will only get involved for a short period and disappear again which has further detrimental effects on your ds? How would your ds feel if he knew his father knew about this attempt but decided to not get involved. So many things to think about but I echo other pp advice on speaking to the crisis team.

Thanks all. It's very hard to process really and I didn't sleep well. I feel a bit spaced out and detached from it all. I'm not very efficient and ds is in a bit of a daze. Waiting for a call from the crisis team atm.

Your kind words have really helped. At this stage I'm not going to mention it.

I’m so sorry to hear that you and your son are going through this. Are you aware of Papyrus as a support organisation?

No I've not heard of that. Crisis team came this evening so that's a start at least.