How would you handle this with school gate Mum? I have autism so worried about coming over as rude or weird and wrecking reception aged DDs chances for friendships!

[PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog]

Per the title, DD has made a friend at school, very nice. However, the mum of friend is obsessed with 'healthy eating' (this is a big topic of convo with her at the park, coffee, playdates etc) and DD came back from tea at their house saying, 'X's Mummy says no tomato sauce and no sweeties and only water for drink else you will get poorly' Now this in itself is not necessarily bad, BUT I really don't want DD hearing messages about 'good and bad' food.

I am a bulimic in recovery and realise that I am very sensitive to this. Can I/how should I ask friend's Mum not to say things like that when DD is at tea? I am diagnosed autistic from childhood and I struggle with anxiety around social interactions and don't want to come across as rude. The children enjoy playing together and the mum is nice and I was grateful that she took DD home from school and watched and fed her whilst I took baby DS to drs. However, I am not comfortable talking about my ED history with her.

Thanks,

Pipin

No I don’t think you can or should say anything to the mum. Your daughter is going to hear those messages constantly throughout her life to be honest, I think it’s better for you to help her respond appropriately to them rather than trying to stop her being exposed to them in the first place.

Yeah I think I'd focus more on the kind of 'everyone has different ways of doing things' approach, as this won't be the first or last time she meets a friend whose home life is different to hers, so it's good to have that discussion of 'Well X's family choose to do that but we do Y and someone else might do Z.'

Your house your rules. Their house their rules. Rise above it. I wouldn’t say anything. It won’t influence your daughter. Your opinion will. I wouldn’t have thought she will spend much time at the other child’s house anyway.

“Well the thing is DD, everyone does things differently. That’s what x’s mum believes and so that’s how they do things in their house. In our house, we do this instead. Wouldn’t life be boring if we were all the same?!”

Then move on. I wouldn’t mention it to the mum at all

Thanks all, really helpful!

It’s good for your daughter to learn early on that different people have different preferences and rules in their house to the ones you have in yours. I wouldn’t approach the other mother but you can explain to your daughter when in someone else’s house you may have to abide by their rules and practices around eating and that it’s perfectly ok to be different. You can explain using vegetarian and carnivorous families as good examples of differences where neither one is right or wrong.

DD came back from tea at their house saying, 'X's Mummy says no tomato sauce and no sweeties and only water for drink else you will get poorly'

So how you handle this is you tell your DD that different families do things differently when it comes to food and drinks, and the polite thing to do is to go along with it, if you can. Your DD may have autism too, so shouldn’t feel pressure to eat or drink something she doesn’t like due to sensory or texture issues.

If she’s old enough, you can explain that many parents avoid tomato sauce and sweeties because they worry about tooth decay and it’s the same with limiting drinks to water…goes back to worry about tooth decay. Then reassure her that a bit of tomato sauce, sweeties and drinks other than water are really fine in moderation if you’re brushing your teeth well.

Can I/how should I ask friend's Mum not to say things like that when DD is at tea? You can’t say anything about good or bad foods. I think the only thing you might consider saying to the mum is that “autism runs in the family and with this comes sensory issues regarding food and drinks so if she could be sensitive to that and not pressure your DD to eat or drink anything specific but offer her options to choose from, you would be ever so grateful”

It's a difficult one. I think the mum is being incredibly irresponsible to tell children that they will become ill from eating certain things. She has massively overstepped the mark saying that in front of your dd. I'd be tempted to tell her what I thought, but the sensible side of me knows not to get into any confrontation with a class mum...so tell your dd everyone has different rules in their houses.

You say nothing OP. It's her house and she can serve up whatever she wants and talk absolute shite in her own home, if she wants to. Just treat it as a learning experience for your DD about being polite to people in their own homes, while still knowing that what they're saying isn't true. We all have to bite our tongues from time to time when other people are spouting shite, that's life, but there are times for correcting people and times when it's best to just nod and smile. And, if it were me, I'd limit the amount of times your DD goes to her friend's house if her DM is giving unhealthy messages around food.

I'd say you need to teach your DD about healthy eating.

As others said she'll hear all sorts of crap outside your family home but she can and will listen to important messages and eventually make up her own mind.

So in response to that I'd have replied "eating sweets sometimes isn't a bad thing and drinking squash sometimes isn't a bad thing. That why we must remember to brush our teeth.".

I get your predicament though.

I have the opposite difficulty here. My ds is autistic so he'd have either decided that mum was right and refused them at home or where I'd managed to do a good job of teaching him moderation in life he'd have happily disputed what they were saying with facts

No, you can’t - it’s her house and she can say what she likes.

Your daughter will hear all sorts anyway, so you just have to tell her what you think, and encourage her to understand nutrition and balance.

Definitely don’t say anything to the mum. There is no way to do so without her beinf offended.

Just explain to your DD the truth re importance of balanced diet and that junk food isn’t harmful in small amounts etc and that her friend’s mum is over-simplifying the issue to try to help the children understand.